*sigh*

It's 12:20 on a friday morning,

*sigh*

I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...

Saturday

My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.

Sunday

We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit


If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.

Monday

I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...

Tuesday

I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.

Wednesday

I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the corner...lol...my momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess

-Hazey

Break Even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no


Mom one day I'll take all those tears you let fall bottle em and sell them back the asshole who made them fall in the first place...

2010 and whats to come

As many of you may know,
I am placing my ducks in line so that I can go off to school else where. With so much going on at home, I've honestly lost time to focus on anyone, anything, or anybody but my mom and brother. Christmas was awesome, I managed to save $300 to spend on them this year BY MY SELF :) and still be able to travel to north GA and south GA throughout the holidays without spending any of that saved money. I was proud of myself on that achievement. My money is starting to look right and my heart's full again.

Over the past few months I've been focusing on who is most important in my life, my FAM and FRIENDS. I have to say its probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Its been a long time since I've last been able to say this and know its here to stay, but...I'm happy with the way my life is. I mean sure yeah I'm single but honestly another person in my life right now is a bad idea. I've dated like 4-5 girls but I'm good without all that. My mother is dating now, well sorta, I think she likes this one guy and he's always talking to her but I'm hoping she doesn't get wrapped up. She's smart I have some faith in her abilities to not let things get too far.

Anyway I'm focused on school once more LIKE I always should be. During my somewhat of a break from life and all responsibilities itself moment I realized that I had been hoping for a chance to better myself and my situation(better job and move out) and I always had that chance sitting in front of me I just chose to ignore it. I realized that if I get myself together and get my mind focused I can do that while my dumb ass is in school! It took me two years after high school to realize that?! Yeah you can laugh at me if you want, I don't mind, I was pissed when I figured that one out anyway.

On another hand, Wonderland, Philipino, Salvy, and the other two which I won't name are out of the picture. THANK GOD! They were all, sorry to bash them but, kinda slow. Well wonderland was smart and the chemistry was there just she and I will never happen, well not any time soon I should say.

This poem underneath is what I've been conduring up to say to my mother when I do finally leave between april and july 2010.

I know it's been a while since Ive lasted posted to the world
so today I thought I'd start by thanking the most important girl
life has taken off for the both of us mama
and lil man is tryna come up and be a man
lookin at me 3-80s like imma oozi or llama, damn
yeah even though his daddy's gone
that didn't stop us having a fucking happy home
on christmas we went oh so crazy
on new years you even had a toast with ya babys
outside its always chilly or even blistering
walk inside and conversations are blooming, i hope your listening

I haven't written in a while, it wasn't supposed to be this way
I'm about to catch a flight and i think the tickets one way
just understand that in my heart both of you will stay
to be a man of creditability is what I'm striving to be some day
a man a of caliber in your eyes is something I want you say
and understand that you did your eldest son the right way
and losing faith in tomorrow is not an option for us
lil man is growing fast and to be a great for him is a must
its in his eyes I can see it he wants so much and to be it
it in which is a man of trust, a man of strength something we never had with us
I wanna leave and come back an example of how to live and how to be, not who it is we are without, but...

like you said mom its our year
I promise you no more sad nights wiping your tears
I got some goals to achieve and enemy's to slay
shooting down my fears and show the world I'm not here to play
I'm here to stand tall and mothafuckin ball
I may leave you soon but it aint forever, just know Imma always call
and when the seasons right we're gonna be a fam again thats my word
but for now its au revoir I gotta story to tell like they've neva heard
to pursue my dreams through whatever art form I can manifest in verbs
just know I gonna make you proud mama take that as my word....
-Hazey

Mothers Wisdom

"There will never be another Hassan Sr...Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father become a crutch..."

I have to say over the past two months I have become closer to my mother than I have ever felt in my life. To be honest, I secretly like our nightly conversations on life, family, money, dreams, goals, and the most popular nowadays is where we all are now. I can also tell she likes our conversations as well, hahah I remember one night I came home high and she was expecting another one of our talks but instead I went in my room and shut the door. She didn't mean to but she kind of slammed hers as well. Not only did it blow my high in a good way but it made me smile. ODD? YES, but heartwarming nonetheless. Its my mother we're talking about here people don't get all weird on me. I noticed she wanted to talk but my mother isn't one to come and talk to you she just isn't that way. She's stronger than that, unlike my father. My mother is the kind of woman who if you want to talk to her fine call her, text her, talk to her, whatever but it wont hurt her feelings none if she don't hear from you. When that door slammed I realized something different. I came down in approximately 15 seconds flat and went and talked to her for about 2 hours on life in general. That night was like no other night we watch some tv and then she tells me what my father said and what she's thinking. Same old same old right? No today I said something to her that summed up everything have ever said about my father and my issues with him. I said to her,"I'm not mad at him, or even hate him, I have a problem with him because I can neither look up to him as my father and say gosh that's my dad nor can I say this is what my father taught me nor can I speak on his life. Through the 19 years of being around him I never learned what a good friend was. WHY? Quite simple he doesn't have any, he's afraid of the world and honestly that's what he tried to teach me. I refuse to fear the world. Of all the things he's attempt to teach me, or as I call it shove down my throat", none of them are useful to me. The one thing that he taught me that was of any use at all was when he showed how to change the oil in my car. That was the only thing in the 19 years of living and knowing this man that he has taught me and given me to work with. I don't look up to him, or even see him on the same level as me. Honestly most of the time I think I'm supposed to be so much better than him but when I fail I think I'm just like him. It hurts to know your father isn't someone you can look to for guidance in this world. I would like to think that he learned something growing up on the south side of Chicago, but when he talks to me its like he never did anything with his life. So when I did present a problem to him he could never solve it, so I learned on my own. Many people say at least you have one around, in my head or under my breathe I always say potatoes can sit around. I would always say out loud that you aint missing much just another person to yell at you." It was at that moment she paused and took all that in and she said to me, I know you fear that you are just like him...listen to me...are you listening? There will never ever be another Hassan Sr. Never. I know you want to get out there and be on your own and do all these things. You have time, you are young and yes you will make mistakes, yes you will try and sometimes you will not live up to your expectations but don't ever look at that failure and think you are just like him. Don't let his short comings as a man and as a father be a crutch in your life.

I kinda forgot why I was typing this...o well...that's my mum...
I gotta say that woman is crazy, strong, and Gangsta (literally she doesn't notice it but she puts G's on her sandwiches with the damn honey mustard...lol...i told her one day and she just stared at her sandwich in awe...lol)

Gotta Love Mum

-Hazey

Dear Mom

The song playing on my page at the moment are the words from my mother. I gotta say she feels so much right now. Her heart is strong but I will say it does bleed. She doesn't want to do this alone but she has no choice.

Mom, this one I wrote just for you,
I understand you better than you may think I do.

Yes you have to be strong,
but who said strength means you are heartless?
Yes you have to stand on your own two feet,
but that doesn't mean you are tearless
Strength doesn't mean you don't cry
Strength doesn't mean you don't hurt
Strength doesn't mean you are fearless
Those who shed tears from their eyes
they are not weak, but merely tired from the work
Those who are strong bleed too, they aren't weak
No your tears are not anything less nor anything more
than words from your heart that your mouth dare not speak

love
-your son Jr

>>>[ Blame It On Me- Chrisette Michele]<<<

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in such a long time... Damn I missed days like this...

Seriously it's like today was the day I transitioned from being a boy to the man that I will one day become. I'm prideful, heartfilled and my head is clear. My shoulders are back and my eyes focused.

Today I went to starship headquarters, bunch of freaks geeks and weirdos in that mothafucka(hahahah) gotta say it was a waste of time but the day was awesome. I mean after basically taking a math test for a job that would later inform me that they had no open positions available, I felt good. Me and Jb came back from Eastpoint and kicked it with the dominincans. Well Justin and troy got into a fight. Yeah Justin didn't really lose Troy hit him all of once, but he had Justin leakin everywhere. Hood shit ye digg, right after Troy claims his bullshit ass win they smoke a blunt and things are cool. Well not really we basically all chill and everythings good you know? Me, jb, Justin, and anthony we all chill cop a few grams for ant and keep it moving. One of my other exes, Sarai wants me to come chill and burn one with her. It's all good ye digg, I hadn't chilled with niggas up the block in years. I kick it with her and her brother whom I've never met...lol...well til today. He was cool, I gotta say I ain't hard to get along with (as long as emotions aren't involved). So she tells me she has a friend for me...lol...it's days like this that make a man laugh so very hard from such a wonderful place inside. Anyway we chill I head back to the house and tesha hitting me up talkin bout her ex boyfriend woke her saying the following and I quote "your phones in the woods, your shits in the van I'm taking you to the gas station and leaving you there...diiiiaaaabbbbllloooooo!!! So I'm still hype off the fight from earlier in the day and kickin ass is something a niggas itching for! Real talk Joe! So I tell her call me in two hours. She gets around to calling me three hours later. Now understand this girl has been through some shit in her life. She has no one anymore. This mothafucka leaves her at a gas station with no phone and no money. I don't care what she did, stranding her like that will not look good when you are finally judged by the Lord. Anyhow l go back to mikes and eveyone is there. It's so great to see Dee, Karen, Judy, Rachel, Micheal, Justin, Andrew and Miguel in the same place at yeah same time. I won't lie with the death of Mrs. Karen it's a tragedy that brought more unity to this family than had been missing for a while. I will pay my respects on Friday morning. It's crazy yo because they are my second family they treat me like one of there own. They feed me when I'm there every time. That entire family never has a negative thing to say about me, and the same goes from me to the world and within.
I come home and things have finally fallen into place about how they should be. My mother is sleeping and finally thinking clearly, my brother is being a young man he's speaking up and talking so much more. I swear I love that kid like he were my kid at times. I see so much potential in him it's crazy. You know recently he talks to me more he even kicks it with the Vasquez household and everything. I swear he makes me smile. 

Now to myself, hahah, well as for me. I can say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I am going to get where I want to be. I have let everything pile on me and let them cloud my thoughts. I've finally figured out who Hassan Omar Jr is. I hVe finally faced my demons about myself and are fighting them one by one day by day. No things aren't great or wonderful. Yes there are plenty of sleepless nights but I'm back to being happy. For the first time in my life I'm not ashamed of who I am and where I'm going and where I came from. Yes I come from basically nothing. My parents worked themselves up to where they are. I will do the same because I know if they can do it I can do it so much better. New York, I'm still aiming for you!


-1
-Hazey    

Dear Mom

Dear Gloria Renee Gibson Omar,

There is no doubt that you are the most influential person in my life. No questioning that. Your words to me over the past few days were stern and bit on the motherly side but needed I suppose. I have to admit something to you. I have some issues I need to have worked out. You are right I don't tell you much. I have to say that mom I am a man. That is something you of all people must understand. Men have egos even broken men have a since of pride. So I find it difficult when you ask of me to explain things that put my pride on the line when I am trying so very hard to save what is left of it. I find that I save my words for they are all I have left. Yes your son has hit rock bottom and you watched me sink. There is no doubt you saved me from drowning within myself. I'm not sure if you can talk your way into this fight. I'm sinking again. This time on a different playing field. I don't know if you noticed but my pride took a serious beating the last time you saw me sink. The one thing that was left of repaired was my self esteem. I can't fault you or blame for that you can only do so much for you are only human. I love you so much for being there and hanging in there when things are rough when it comes to me. There is a debt there that I could never ever pay and trying to would be insulting. I want to make you proud. Though you and I know it has to be on my terms. I will make you proud. One day, you are a proud, strong, mighty woman and I love you for it. You played both roles for a long time and I can never tell you how much I am thankful that you did and do. Times are hard on you and things are tough. I want to help you in whatever ways I can. So I do as little within your four walls as possible and clean up behind the other two when I am paying attention. I'm not the perfect son, boy I know I'm not. I know you ask me to do things several times before any of it gets done. What can I say other than sorry, and I love you and I'll try harder to listen the first time. :) Mom I love you so very very much and am thankful for everything you have ever done for me. And no amount of words, presents, money, cards, jewelry, or a combination of such could ever show that gratitude that is there. I talk about you with such a high regard and respect in public, best believe I do represent you well mom. I really do.

Love always and Forever,

Hassan Omar Jr.









p.s. I don't remember what it was that you asked me to grab before I left earlier in the day but I remember you telling me. Its a start right? :/

RE:Remembering full version

Remembering
The article

-HaS
*
I am a military Brat as people will call it. My family is made up mostly servicemen or former servicemen. My uncles, my cousins, my great uncles and there nieces and nephews. All the way down to my very own parents. You can still see the service with in them today. It changes a person. Disciplines them even. My own parents however do not want me to enter the armed forced in any fashion whatsoever. Now they never said I couldn't. They just feel its not a necessary route for me to undertake. I understand that. The amount of service and dedication you have to put into being in the armed forces puts a strain on your family and in times like these its best to avoid anymore strain. I have an inner and utmost respect for men and women within the military. Not trying to say anything by this next statement but many of you know it to be true. When people say they have a respect for them often times its is a tad cliche, often people respect them for the simple fact that they themselves couldn't push themselves to do it. My respect however comes from experience I should say. Many people don't know what it's like to watch one of your parents in a uniform and rifle headed off to another country for months on end. Many people don't know the mental strain it places on couples and their families not just immediate but the entire family. I on th other hand am able to keep things at the front of my mind without it hurting too much as others tend to push it to the back in hopes things work out for the best. I guess I can do that because well I had to. My father,yes the man I love but have a horrible relationship with, served in Korea and in the Gulf war the first one.
I have a few pictures of him and all its kinda funny, I can see why he says I remind him of him {lol}...the truth of the matter is I have never really said this but there are a few times very fair and wide they maybe that I have a really high respect and pride in what and where my father has gone in his life. Those moments are rare and I try my hardest to hang on to them. Thats what this post is about.
me and my father

My father and his brothers

*

I do agree with you. The sad part my own family which has mostly military men and women involved look at it as just a way to kick off the summer. At the current moment my uncle is serving his 6th or 7th tour overseas going back and forth from IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. My father served in the first gulf war my great uncles served in WWII and another one of my uncles served in Kuwait at the start of the war. My mother being of also a military background acts the way the rest of the nation does even though the war itself effects directly more than most.

So in agreement, Yes today is a day of remembrance....

Acts :1

think, breathe, or act alone
let you talk stupid or let you stand on ya own
Its kinda funny how I let my loved ones get the best of me
to let em know I care I neglect them heavily
try to keep them at bay
try to push them away
hoping they never feel the pain
and never let them see the smile leave me face
if I let em know I care it jeopardizes me my place
and I regret saying so but things come tumbling down
and yet I never give in, I show no emotion but sometimes you can see my frown.
a bad boy in on my face, a G in my mind and lover in my soul
hopefully someday somebody will see my fucking halo

the one and only for me she seems to know different
somehow she can see what's going to happen from the present
I guess she saw me coming and knew what would happen
I guess she saw this running and didn't I'm clapping
applauding her performance and cheering her on
I'm pretty sure she knew I was to be the best she had ever loved on
and now that loves gone I guess she saw it too
Maybe its just me or its this fuckin' room
My mind is spinning I see something in my view
Its definitely got me confused
Its like I see what's inside me and its in you
We both try to see what's coming and we both lose
I did the same thing and was proved wrong by whom
maybe if you gave it try you'd see it to be true

We all try our best to make those around us proud
but instead looking inside selves we look around
but the fucked up part about it is if we stay true to who we
are those we care about will always be proud....