Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

Bipolar, Insomnia, Depression

Mild Bipolar Disorder and Depression along with Insomnia

I have a paper due in less than 24 hours and I havent started on it yet...

to everyone whom thought I was moody, I'm not moody I'm bipolar... :/
I'm not sure how to take that kind of news, I mean its one thing to think you are different, its another thing to have proof that you are different...

Getting a prescription for medications isn't a relief in my book...its scrary...
I mean so many things run through my mind that probably do nothing but back up the facts already stated...
I just hope I don't change too much...

-Hazey

Breaking the silence

I posted something that I literally and most likely probably should never have posted, spilled milk.

For a little over a year now I've been dealing with some obvious emotional issues right?

well here it goes, we haven't spoken in over a year now. I have a class with you and from what I learned from the past is that maybe I should just be silent. Say nothing and not hinder your life or mine with things that don't matter. You are happier now, i think. Things in your life are falling into place and in mine as well. Of course since you i've dated many people along the way and I am sure you have too.

Bringing up old scars and wounds probably isn't the best for you at this moment anyway. I'm getting my associates degree in december, God willing and transferring anywhere I wish to. You have grown and changed and so have I.

Everyday I see you and say nothing its not cuz I'm mad or scorned or even vengeful...its quite the contrary. I hold my tongue because I don't wanna mess anything in your life up. I literally DO NOT want to mess up any of the things you have worked so hard for. From experience I know, when it comes to you, I am not a good person to re-introduce into your life.

Though even with all that said,  I still miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss your stories, I miss your companionship, and all that good clean stuff. Don't get me wrong the dirty is missed but can be lived without.

My frustrations aren't with you, or the situation, its with the outcome...

I lost a really good friend and it bothers me everyday....

-Hazey

Facts

Lets be real, dear

the day for us will neva be here

I saw the end before you had my heart

real shit way before the first spark

the friction wasn't attraction nor commitment

the truth was in ya face, you just kept on, relentless

please lemme know when the day I don't see real comes

text messages about first base and hitting home runs

panties like a shower her legs are my rocks

the only thing we had going was the dance in our socks

Im not perfect, but growing is a must for change

me and you would be one word, insane

as you can see I have problems with this role

you know, the man in ya life type-a-goal

so lemme say this so you get it clearly, bless your soul

I have problems with self control

you shoulda seen that coming so course but,

how would you ever know?

childish and foolish will never flow

statin facts mami,
sorry you needed it broken for you to understand tho...

 

-Hazey

It was worth it

It was worth it
It was all worth it
Even though in the end I found out I ain't perfect
But baby girl it was worth it
I won't keep searching
I swear on everything I love, you were perfect
I made mistake but baby in the end it don't take away or hurt it
It makes us stronger and our friendship fonder
You can't tell what we have isn't stronger
With all our mistakes we still be screaming
It was worth it
It was all worth it
Even if the end we found out we ain't perfect
We had problems who else doesn't
But we both glad we tried cuz we loved being somethin'
We both know that it was worth it
I would rather tried and failed than to be a wasn't
Baby girl you were perfect
and today you're flawless and I can't help it
Just wanna kiss and SCREAM BABY YOU WERE SO WORTH IT
YES! It was worth it
It was all worth it!
I know for a fact that I ain't perfect!
But without her nigga I am worthless

Thoughts to a song

Thoughts about you....damn they seem to be getting me in trouble
they seem to be making me hurt and happy and mad and sad and
the emotions do nothing but swirl in my head and heart and never
seem to stop. Its like things will never just work out for me sometimes
the fukktup part is that they always do for me and I don't deserve it.
She completes me damnit. She is that quake that wakes me up, she is
that fire that burns ever so constantly in my heart and soul. Her smile
makes me capable of moving, her voice drives me home. She's literally
number three and its hurts so bad to know I can't do anything for her
It kills me to know she is in this situation and as much as I want to help
I feel like I'm making things worse. I've never felt this way about anybody
I've never had a bond like this. There is something here that makes me stay
and honestly its deeper than love. My heart sings when she kisses me
my soul cries when she calls me baby my heart breaks when shes gone
I miss her all the time. I check my phone every fucking minute almost in
anticipation on her response to whatever I say to her. She makes me want to
be the best man in her life. Her love makes me stronger and tears me down
at the same time. Her tears nearly kill me even though all I do is stare at her
when she cries. This whole situation just makes me wanna cry and give up
on life and love and hope itself. I've never looked at woman like this. I have NEVER
EVER been able to look at a woman and say I wanna give you children and a house.
This relationship has taken its toll on both of us and I understand why its
never going to be a good idea to try again. I understand why we could never truly be
but my heart has never been so open before. I've never had a woman love me like
she LOVES me. I swear to God if the winds of change make things possible for me
and her to just be together and happy. I'd be forever grateful. I wouldn't ever doubt
her again. I wouldn't worry about her feelings for another man. I wouldn't ever dare
look at her things again. I'd trust her with all my heart. This whole situation just makes
me weak to my soul. I'm tired Lord, I am. I know in my soul my fate is intertwined with hers
and it will be for a little while longer but anymore time with her beyond that would be
nothing short of a God given blessing. God I would make her the happiest I ever could
I'd give her all of me, I'd get on my knees everyday and thank you for everything you have ever given me. I'd never leave her side. I'd stay by her side longer and more faithful than I ever have to anyone. I don't wanna beg. I don't want her given to me and be a nightmare. I just wish things would work out for us. Her heart is so torn and her soul is so wary I see it in her eyes. I just wanna take that pain and suffering away from her. I've never loved so deeply and yet so fearful at the same time. I fear I don't know the true her yet. I fear that she isn't the woman I fell for many months ago. And the part that nearly kills me is that I secede to the God given notion that she could quite possibly be that woman and lover and friend made for me. The unearthly feeling that somewhere back in time our paths crossed and we were the same way. That some how or another we are(and I say this with hands shaking) we are...written in the stars...we are like the characters in hancock, the lovers in westside story, the two lovers in every single cheesy movie and story that everyone knew was destined to be something powerful, that we are bound and woven together by a higher power...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU LOVE ME...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU HOLD MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS...

You Complete Me lyrics
:Keyshia Cole

Can you hear me out there?
Have you ever had someone who loved you
Never leave your side?
I know you'll be here because you love me, yes, you do

I'm givin' all my life and all my love if you
Promise me that you'll be here forever
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you everything
If you promise me you'll never leave me

What my friends say don't matter
You'll be right here from the start
And I'll get on my knees, I'll give you all of me
If you never leave my side, because

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can
Baby, you love me, yeah, oh yes, you do, yeah

And no matter what they ever say about you
I'm gonna stay by your side
Promise me no matter what they say about me
That you're gonna be here until the end of time

'Cause you held me down when nobody was around
And gave me all the love I need
So give me more, don't you ever leave
'Cause you complete me

I know, you love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

'Cause you, give me my heart back
Give me my love back, baby
I want it all because it's never enough
Give me my heart, give me my love back
I want it all because it's never enough

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

And it's okay
I know you do, I know you do
Yes, you do, I need you, too
Yeah, I love you, baby, ohh

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.

retracing my foot steps

As I was ironing my clothes for church on sunday
a thought crossed my mind. Why didn't she notice all of my changes?
I remember the last time we argued about him. The day she walked away from me,
I told her and I looked her in the eye and I said I am changing, I didn't assume, I paused.
but you never gave me chance to ask why are they in there. You just assumed. Now I am looking back and noticing I was changing all along. I was trying and I was changing. Slowly but I was. nothing is overnight.I mean in between the time we argued and I promised to change my grandfather died. I was grieving for over a week. She gave me all of maybe two-three weeks, to completely change and honestly I have. I don't assume anything anymore, I don't dig anymore, I don't get mad when she speaks to him or even about him. To be honest I wonder if she remembers what happened on last wednesday. I don't remember me breaking my promise to her. That argument was started over me feeling forgotten and her not recognizing that it hurt. She barely kissed me, she didn't walk with me, she barely looked at me, she was so wrapped up in herself and her own problems to even notice I was hurting. When I reacted to things the way I did she took it as I don't trust her, that I'm assuming things, that I'm still digging and that I don't understand. The problem I was having was(now that I can put it into words) was that I had just gotten back from burying my grandfather, I was still weak, on the saturday and monday i got back I remember being all over her cuz I was vulberable and weak. I couldnt even make love to her cuz i was still weak, on tuesday she just str8 up forgot about me, didn't say anything to me. I understand that she didn't want to take it out on me but its unfair to say I didn't change. I was hurting. She says it wasn't that she forgot me it was that it was a very hard day for her. I understand that but she failed to just see I was hurting. In this whole ordeal I have been apologizing and apologizing but the thing is I kept my promise. I actually did. When I looked in her phone in class that day I looked to see, yes I will admit that I was looking in her text messages but I still did not assume she was going outside of our relationship. I looked in her outbox to see how many times she text people the day before. I know that can be missleading but I feel like she is a little clouded in her head right now, and didn't really ever have time to sort out the chain of events. I kept my promise, I didn't break it. If she disagrees I would love to talk about it.


"I did change for you babe I did. I do trust you and love you. I know you're closed up now but maybe after reading this you can find someway in you to let me gain your trustback. The monday night that you spent with me was the best night of my life and after that day I fell deeper in love with you. I know you're not as in love anymore but maybe you can sort things out in your head after reading this and find it in your heart to see I kept my promise to you."

What I had slapped in my face

I talked to you today
you gave me peace of mind
you gave me a reason to relax
you gave me the strength to pull myself together and get a hold of myself
you made me feel like a fool but it was well deserved
you are my best friend in the world and you mean so very much to me
I want to thank you
I've let you down a few times in the past and I tried my best to make up for that
You reminded me of who I am
You reminded me of how I am
You reminded me that I am strong, that I am strong in will
You reminded me that I need not hang my head in shame
You reminded me that I am FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'
You reminded me that we have a similar relationship to what is going on
and if ANYTHING, I should understand her more than anyone
You reminded me of what and how I used to be
a MAN
You reminded me of what I have always been like
and how I have let the rear view mirror steer me in a forward direction
You have never left my side Sabrina,
you broke my heart but you have always been there for me and I appreciate it
When I'm hardest on myself, you're always there to lend a helping hand in the ridicule lol
and for all its worth you will always have a tiny piece of my heart and that will never change
I won't lie I know you and I will always have each others back when times get hard
and that when its all said and done our kids will play together ( lol insider)
sometimes I feel so alone
I feel like I'm wandering
I feel like I'm wasting time
I feel like I'm not important to anyone
I feel like I'm just taking up space
and you remind me that if I die you're going to kill more bitches (lmfao)
Through the years I have seen our relationship go from friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends
and honestly it makes me smile from deep within
and it makes me understand everything even more so everyday
I can't wait to go out and club with you
and do everything we wanted to do so very long ago
it makes me smile
and I know that's how my woman feels for him
I know its a short lived thing and you remind me that I have nothing to worry about
she'll get past what she's feeling now
You reminded me of all that she has said to me and how it's what I need to believe
because she has done nothing to betray me
You reminded me of how I love and how I AM FAR FROM NEEDY
so yeah I miss you so very much
I can't wait to see you

[Freeze! don't change don't leave don't go, baby just Freeze!]

Baby I deserve

Maybe I Deserve- Tank

Oooh hey hey well well well
Do you mind if I tell the
truth for a second ya'll

Maybe I deserve
to wonder who's calling so damn late
For you to say im trippin
it's just a homie from
upstate (said it's just a
homie)
Dont he know it's 1:00 in the morning
you say it's cool baby it's cool

Baby I deserve
for you to say he's coming
into town ( later on this
evenin)
and he's just wondering if you
and him can hang out
I dont like it but I know I gotta trust you
It aint cool cause I know it's true

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

For you to put on a sexy dress
for me to ask you Who the hell
you trying to impress
for you to laugh it off
like it aint nothing
I know it's something Maybe just maybe

Maybe I deserve
to sit a home and wonder where you are
is he kissing you touching
you holding you what
Take a drink and help ease my mind
I wanna be mad after all those times
Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

for me to ask you where you been
Maybe I deserve
for you to say I better stop tripping
Maybe I deserve
To grab your neck until you let me know
Maybe I deserve
for you to run crying, crying out the door
Maybe I deserve
to grab my coat and chase
you down the street
Maybe I deserve
To say it aint you it's my own insecurity
Maybe I deserve
for you to say yes I cheated on you
Maybe I deserve
I wont care cause after all I put
you through I deserve
Maybe I deserve
I deserve yeah yeah yeah
To be mistreated sometimes
Maybe I deserve
to even be lied to sometimes
Maybe I deserve
Maybe you should go cheat on me
Maybe I deserve
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
Maybe I should sit and wait by the phone
Maybe I deserve
Cause I paged you about 3 or 4 times
Maybe I deserve
girl I know girl I know I
done put you through
Maybe I deserve
I done put you through hell
and I dont care
Maybe I deserve
and I dont care
and I deserve
see a man cant take another
man pleasing our woman
we cant even stand waiting by the phone
But we do the same shit


Damn ya'll I did it again :/

Your <3 I hope

Pardon me miss

But can I hope to inconvenience
Your Heart
for a moment beautiful woman
even if I couldn't
make it my own
one day in hopes
to make you smile
for a little more than a while
and not just for tonight
but the rest of your life
and the rest of the days sunlight
and the nights moonlight
where the stars shine as bright
as your eyes
which captivate me like your subtle surprise
and the sun beaming and warm and beautiful as your smile

maybe I'm wrong for still going on
and still hanging on
but pardon my intrusion
into your heart
I want neither a piece nor a part
but I was hoping that one day
I could make you mine
and make you see that your love belongs to me, you could say its mine

So you'll give me a chance and let me
I see what it is
Well guide me to where your love is
the place where the road is paved in your love
painted in your affection
to your everlasting love
I wanna be the one u sing about
write about
talk about
never walk without
dream about
laugh about
cry about
think about
scream about
the fact that you can't live without
me, or us, or all of what was
I wanna have all of your love

Show me the way to your heart where the warmth is
send me letters from heaven saying how powerful this love is

Baby I wanna be the one you make plans with
the one you call at night and fall asleep with
yes over the phone
when no ones at home
you call me to tell me come over so you don't have to be alone
The one who excites you
the one who always invites you
the one who ignites you
and sets you soul a blaze
while making the haze fade away
the one who opens your eyes
and shows you whats real and true
The one you call sweety, honey, boo
baby, babes, babe, bbz, tuya
tu vida, tu rey
tu amor
and more

I wanna love you like no other
that makes you feel like a potential mother
so happy and proud and grateful to be
The one you call your hubby to be
I wanna love you with passion unseen and unmatched

or maybe I'm just asking to much
and this is all a big dream
to one day have your heart

RE: Love

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;

In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;

In halls, in gay attire is seen;

In hamlets, dances on the green.

Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,

And men below and saints above;

For love is heaven, and heaven is love.

~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Posted by ★»»[Jezzuka]«« at 8:58 PM

For yours is heaven and heaven is yours
Your love is the water that helps the seed
The force beneath my feet and rumble underneath the sea
swaying back and forth I feel its power
amongst the trees never seizing, never stopping, even in the darkest hour
from my feet to my head to my back from my chest
your love flows through me; north to south; east to west
-HaS

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
HIM
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."