Dear Jess,

Dear Jess,

Incase you haven't noticed I tend to write you alot. I don't know I guess speaking to you keeps me sane. Anyway I wanted to inform you on life itself. I don't know if you'll ever write me but I wish you did or would. Anyway my dad is back in Chicago he drove up there. I gotta say from this whole ordeal with him I've realized so much about myself and the things you used to say to me, they make so much more sense now. It's crazy.

I wanna give you a cohesive thought. I can't for some reason,my thoughts are so far beyond scattered it's driving me crazy. So here's my best attempt...

It's like everyday I have a piece of you make more and more sense than it did a year ago and I wanna tell you but I never can. Like I understand we have two separate lives and you have alot on your plate. Believe me I understand that better than most. I wanna see you not to make you feel anything or do anything but because I like seeing you. No offense but sometimes I get the feeling you just don't want to see me, for whatever reason you may have and I can understand and respect that.

Since I can never see you really I write you alot. I don't have anybody really. I can't look up to anyone and I can't look to anyone for help anymore. I guess the thought of your set of ears listening is still a comfort to me. I'm not sure if you ever find yourself writing me but I write you quite often. You changed my life and seriously can not for the life of understand why you think I don't and didn't appreciate what you did for us and me. I wanna say thanks for trying so very hard to stick by myside for as long as you did. Yes I do and did appreciate every last thing that you ever did for me and us. Literally I saw it then and I see it even more now. My apologies may be so empty now but I'm sorry we didn't last as long as you would have hoped and liked. I saw then how hard you tried to reassure me that all you wanted was me. I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be the man that you can have. As hard as you tried I'm sorry it amounted to nothing at all. Thanks for trying, thanks for being there, thanks. I also wanna say thank you for understanding and helping me through my depression. You didn't have to do any of the things that you did for me. You did them because you wanted to.

This whole ordeal with my father has made me see and understand alot about myself. The reason I do things, or say them a certain way. There are alotta things I wanna do to better myself. I have a long way to go but when I get there I'll be a better man for it. The things I put you through, I...well they were the way my father reacted to things. It's crazy because I hate being just like him. Through this whole ordeal I wished so much that I had you physically next to me. I missed you the most. Although through this situation I realized why you're not here to begin with. I miss you all the time. I also know that nothing I do nor say will ever change anything between us and the world.

It hurts me just as well as it hurts you. I know you wanted us to last. I'm sorry I pushed you to make that decision when you speficially requested that I not make you choose. I let you down, I let you down many times. I obsessed over things that weren't worthy of obsessing over, I pushed you away and broke your heart. You didn't deserve any of that. You deserved my trust and I never truly gave it to you along with so many broken promises. Yes believe me I understand, and I'm sorry.

There are some other things that I learned about myself but I'll save that for another letter. I kinda like having something to talk to you about anyway :P. You...you are a gift and a blessing regardless of how other men and/or women in your life make you feel sweetheart, Bbz, please never, forget your worth.

So very much love,

-Turtle aka Hazey

retracing my foot steps

As I was ironing my clothes for church on sunday
a thought crossed my mind. Why didn't she notice all of my changes?
I remember the last time we argued about him. The day she walked away from me,
I told her and I looked her in the eye and I said I am changing, I didn't assume, I paused.
but you never gave me chance to ask why are they in there. You just assumed. Now I am looking back and noticing I was changing all along. I was trying and I was changing. Slowly but I was. nothing is overnight.I mean in between the time we argued and I promised to change my grandfather died. I was grieving for over a week. She gave me all of maybe two-three weeks, to completely change and honestly I have. I don't assume anything anymore, I don't dig anymore, I don't get mad when she speaks to him or even about him. To be honest I wonder if she remembers what happened on last wednesday. I don't remember me breaking my promise to her. That argument was started over me feeling forgotten and her not recognizing that it hurt. She barely kissed me, she didn't walk with me, she barely looked at me, she was so wrapped up in herself and her own problems to even notice I was hurting. When I reacted to things the way I did she took it as I don't trust her, that I'm assuming things, that I'm still digging and that I don't understand. The problem I was having was(now that I can put it into words) was that I had just gotten back from burying my grandfather, I was still weak, on the saturday and monday i got back I remember being all over her cuz I was vulberable and weak. I couldnt even make love to her cuz i was still weak, on tuesday she just str8 up forgot about me, didn't say anything to me. I understand that she didn't want to take it out on me but its unfair to say I didn't change. I was hurting. She says it wasn't that she forgot me it was that it was a very hard day for her. I understand that but she failed to just see I was hurting. In this whole ordeal I have been apologizing and apologizing but the thing is I kept my promise. I actually did. When I looked in her phone in class that day I looked to see, yes I will admit that I was looking in her text messages but I still did not assume she was going outside of our relationship. I looked in her outbox to see how many times she text people the day before. I know that can be missleading but I feel like she is a little clouded in her head right now, and didn't really ever have time to sort out the chain of events. I kept my promise, I didn't break it. If she disagrees I would love to talk about it.


"I did change for you babe I did. I do trust you and love you. I know you're closed up now but maybe after reading this you can find someway in you to let me gain your trustback. The monday night that you spent with me was the best night of my life and after that day I fell deeper in love with you. I know you're not as in love anymore but maybe you can sort things out in your head after reading this and find it in your heart to see I kept my promise to you."