Saturday, March 14, 2009

retracing my foot steps

As I was ironing my clothes for church on sunday
a thought crossed my mind. Why didn't she notice all of my changes?
I remember the last time we argued about him. The day she walked away from me,
I told her and I looked her in the eye and I said I am changing, I didn't assume, I paused.
but you never gave me chance to ask why are they in there. You just assumed. Now I am looking back and noticing I was changing all along. I was trying and I was changing. Slowly but I was. nothing is overnight.I mean in between the time we argued and I promised to change my grandfather died. I was grieving for over a week. She gave me all of maybe two-three weeks, to completely change and honestly I have. I don't assume anything anymore, I don't dig anymore, I don't get mad when she speaks to him or even about him. To be honest I wonder if she remembers what happened on last wednesday. I don't remember me breaking my promise to her. That argument was started over me feeling forgotten and her not recognizing that it hurt. She barely kissed me, she didn't walk with me, she barely looked at me, she was so wrapped up in herself and her own problems to even notice I was hurting. When I reacted to things the way I did she took it as I don't trust her, that I'm assuming things, that I'm still digging and that I don't understand. The problem I was having was(now that I can put it into words) was that I had just gotten back from burying my grandfather, I was still weak, on the saturday and monday i got back I remember being all over her cuz I was vulberable and weak. I couldnt even make love to her cuz i was still weak, on tuesday she just str8 up forgot about me, didn't say anything to me. I understand that she didn't want to take it out on me but its unfair to say I didn't change. I was hurting. She says it wasn't that she forgot me it was that it was a very hard day for her. I understand that but she failed to just see I was hurting. In this whole ordeal I have been apologizing and apologizing but the thing is I kept my promise. I actually did. When I looked in her phone in class that day I looked to see, yes I will admit that I was looking in her text messages but I still did not assume she was going outside of our relationship. I looked in her outbox to see how many times she text people the day before. I know that can be missleading but I feel like she is a little clouded in her head right now, and didn't really ever have time to sort out the chain of events. I kept my promise, I didn't break it. If she disagrees I would love to talk about it.

"I did change for you babe I did. I do trust you and love you. I know you're closed up now but maybe after reading this you can find someway in you to let me gain your trustback. The monday night that you spent with me was the best night of my life and after that day I fell deeper in love with you. I know you're not as in love anymore but maybe you can sort things out in your head after reading this and find it in your heart to see I kept my promise to you."

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