Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

Thoughts to a song

Thoughts about you....damn they seem to be getting me in trouble
they seem to be making me hurt and happy and mad and sad and
the emotions do nothing but swirl in my head and heart and never
seem to stop. Its like things will never just work out for me sometimes
the fukktup part is that they always do for me and I don't deserve it.
She completes me damnit. She is that quake that wakes me up, she is
that fire that burns ever so constantly in my heart and soul. Her smile
makes me capable of moving, her voice drives me home. She's literally
number three and its hurts so bad to know I can't do anything for her
It kills me to know she is in this situation and as much as I want to help
I feel like I'm making things worse. I've never felt this way about anybody
I've never had a bond like this. There is something here that makes me stay
and honestly its deeper than love. My heart sings when she kisses me
my soul cries when she calls me baby my heart breaks when shes gone
I miss her all the time. I check my phone every fucking minute almost in
anticipation on her response to whatever I say to her. She makes me want to
be the best man in her life. Her love makes me stronger and tears me down
at the same time. Her tears nearly kill me even though all I do is stare at her
when she cries. This whole situation just makes me wanna cry and give up
on life and love and hope itself. I've never looked at woman like this. I have NEVER
EVER been able to look at a woman and say I wanna give you children and a house.
This relationship has taken its toll on both of us and I understand why its
never going to be a good idea to try again. I understand why we could never truly be
but my heart has never been so open before. I've never had a woman love me like
she LOVES me. I swear to God if the winds of change make things possible for me
and her to just be together and happy. I'd be forever grateful. I wouldn't ever doubt
her again. I wouldn't worry about her feelings for another man. I wouldn't ever dare
look at her things again. I'd trust her with all my heart. This whole situation just makes
me weak to my soul. I'm tired Lord, I am. I know in my soul my fate is intertwined with hers
and it will be for a little while longer but anymore time with her beyond that would be
nothing short of a God given blessing. God I would make her the happiest I ever could
I'd give her all of me, I'd get on my knees everyday and thank you for everything you have ever given me. I'd never leave her side. I'd stay by her side longer and more faithful than I ever have to anyone. I don't wanna beg. I don't want her given to me and be a nightmare. I just wish things would work out for us. Her heart is so torn and her soul is so wary I see it in her eyes. I just wanna take that pain and suffering away from her. I've never loved so deeply and yet so fearful at the same time. I fear I don't know the true her yet. I fear that she isn't the woman I fell for many months ago. And the part that nearly kills me is that I secede to the God given notion that she could quite possibly be that woman and lover and friend made for me. The unearthly feeling that somewhere back in time our paths crossed and we were the same way. That some how or another we are(and I say this with hands shaking) we are...written in the stars...we are like the characters in hancock, the lovers in westside story, the two lovers in every single cheesy movie and story that everyone knew was destined to be something powerful, that we are bound and woven together by a higher power...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU LOVE ME...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU HOLD MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS...

You Complete Me lyrics
:Keyshia Cole

Can you hear me out there?
Have you ever had someone who loved you
Never leave your side?
I know you'll be here because you love me, yes, you do

I'm givin' all my life and all my love if you
Promise me that you'll be here forever
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you everything
If you promise me you'll never leave me

What my friends say don't matter
You'll be right here from the start
And I'll get on my knees, I'll give you all of me
If you never leave my side, because

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can
Baby, you love me, yeah, oh yes, you do, yeah

And no matter what they ever say about you
I'm gonna stay by your side
Promise me no matter what they say about me
That you're gonna be here until the end of time

'Cause you held me down when nobody was around
And gave me all the love I need
So give me more, don't you ever leave
'Cause you complete me

I know, you love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

'Cause you, give me my heart back
Give me my love back, baby
I want it all because it's never enough
Give me my heart, give me my love back
I want it all because it's never enough

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

And it's okay
I know you do, I know you do
Yes, you do, I need you, too
Yeah, I love you, baby, ohh

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

Baby I deserve

Maybe I Deserve- Tank

Oooh hey hey well well well
Do you mind if I tell the
truth for a second ya'll

Maybe I deserve
to wonder who's calling so damn late
For you to say im trippin
it's just a homie from
upstate (said it's just a
homie)
Dont he know it's 1:00 in the morning
you say it's cool baby it's cool

Baby I deserve
for you to say he's coming
into town ( later on this
evenin)
and he's just wondering if you
and him can hang out
I dont like it but I know I gotta trust you
It aint cool cause I know it's true

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

For you to put on a sexy dress
for me to ask you Who the hell
you trying to impress
for you to laugh it off
like it aint nothing
I know it's something Maybe just maybe

Maybe I deserve
to sit a home and wonder where you are
is he kissing you touching
you holding you what
Take a drink and help ease my mind
I wanna be mad after all those times
Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
for you to go out and find some other guy
Maybe I deserve
for you to stay out with him all night
Maybe I deserve
for you to do all the things I did to you
Maybe I deserve ( oh yeah)
Maybe I deserve

for me to ask you where you been
Maybe I deserve
for you to say I better stop tripping
Maybe I deserve
To grab your neck until you let me know
Maybe I deserve
for you to run crying, crying out the door
Maybe I deserve
to grab my coat and chase
you down the street
Maybe I deserve
To say it aint you it's my own insecurity
Maybe I deserve
for you to say yes I cheated on you
Maybe I deserve
I wont care cause after all I put
you through I deserve
Maybe I deserve
I deserve yeah yeah yeah
To be mistreated sometimes
Maybe I deserve
to even be lied to sometimes
Maybe I deserve
Maybe you should go cheat on me
Maybe I deserve
Maybe I deserve

Maybe I deserve
Maybe I should sit and wait by the phone
Maybe I deserve
Cause I paged you about 3 or 4 times
Maybe I deserve
girl I know girl I know I
done put you through
Maybe I deserve
I done put you through hell
and I dont care
Maybe I deserve
and I dont care
and I deserve
see a man cant take another
man pleasing our woman
we cant even stand waiting by the phone
But we do the same shit


Damn ya'll I did it again :/

Your <3 I hope

Pardon me miss

But can I hope to inconvenience
Your Heart
for a moment beautiful woman
even if I couldn't
make it my own
one day in hopes
to make you smile
for a little more than a while
and not just for tonight
but the rest of your life
and the rest of the days sunlight
and the nights moonlight
where the stars shine as bright
as your eyes
which captivate me like your subtle surprise
and the sun beaming and warm and beautiful as your smile

maybe I'm wrong for still going on
and still hanging on
but pardon my intrusion
into your heart
I want neither a piece nor a part
but I was hoping that one day
I could make you mine
and make you see that your love belongs to me, you could say its mine

So you'll give me a chance and let me
I see what it is
Well guide me to where your love is
the place where the road is paved in your love
painted in your affection
to your everlasting love
I wanna be the one u sing about
write about
talk about
never walk without
dream about
laugh about
cry about
think about
scream about
the fact that you can't live without
me, or us, or all of what was
I wanna have all of your love

Show me the way to your heart where the warmth is
send me letters from heaven saying how powerful this love is

Baby I wanna be the one you make plans with
the one you call at night and fall asleep with
yes over the phone
when no ones at home
you call me to tell me come over so you don't have to be alone
The one who excites you
the one who always invites you
the one who ignites you
and sets you soul a blaze
while making the haze fade away
the one who opens your eyes
and shows you whats real and true
The one you call sweety, honey, boo
baby, babes, babe, bbz, tuya
tu vida, tu rey
tu amor
and more

I wanna love you like no other
that makes you feel like a potential mother
so happy and proud and grateful to be
The one you call your hubby to be
I wanna love you with passion unseen and unmatched

or maybe I'm just asking to much
and this is all a big dream
to one day have your heart

My problem and my apology

I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You