Monday, October 11, 2010

When God calls and we don't answer

FINE!

I'll say it...she is what I've been needing...I also know she isn't to be held on to forever...I need to focus...she isn't a distraction...she's an outlet...she could absorb all that I am lackin...the problem is I couldn't be faithful..

I've begging for something you took from me, in reference to God, that didn't ever belong to me in the first place...and since you took it from me I've been hurt, sad, confused, uninterested, unfocused, lost, broken...etc....so like the saying goes you took away not to punish me but to give me something better...NOW heres my issue...what you gave I want but at the same time I don't want because I will hurt her...not intentionally but because I am afraid of making the same mistakes as the generation before me...

I don't want her picking up these pieces...

this isn't anybodies job but my own...NO, no man is an island...but sloth is a sin and so is pride...

maybe im feeling my mothers sickness...or maybe it was the alcohol and weed...or a combination of the three...I am afraid to pass on you but I have too...you are so close to what I want...but I just can't...

for months all I wanted was to get over my pain on my own...and for a time I did...for months I tired of being alone...you were offering what I wanted and needed...but in the end I cant do that you to or anyone else...you don't deserve to be my punching bag...

you are my music...

you force me to face myself...

you force me to ask myself the questions I do not want to ask...

you also make me smile...

-Hazey

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