A long hard but brief moment of insight has come across me. On father's day of all days I came to actually appreciate my own father.Despite the recent opportunity to become one myself that I turned down so happily(hahaha). The thought of not being apart of my own childs life and it being raised by other people and a mother whom I see unfit, breaks my heart in pieces I can't explain. Despise you, yes I do so very very often do I. I can't hold a conversation with the man at all. We can't talk without there being an argument, literally. He throws every single last thing he has ever done for me in my face, and I mean that he does. I remember when I was 5 and you took me clothes shopping and I asked for a toy and you threw it in my face how you just bought me clothes. I don't ask you for anything. If I do its very very small in fact tiny even. You make no sense. You tell me I need to get my shit together and be doing things on my own but insist that I need to ask you for help because I'm not alone. You complain like a bitch, and are easily hurt by words. Physical pain we seem to handle just fine, we say ow but in reality it didn't hurt at all. I pulled in the driveway and looked at your brilliant parking job and realized mine was exactly the same. You aren't perfect. In fact, you have just as many flaws as an uncut diamond. You are my flesh and blood. I won't lie there are many a night I wish you would just disappear into thin air. I love you for trying. Your words suck, you can't relate to anything I say, nothing I do is ever going to good enough for you(I have yet to find), I will never truly ever be able to please you or make you proud, Holding an ordinary conversation will never ever ever happen so long as there is a 21 year gap between us, and we will probably never ever be able to communicate without arguing. Alas you are my father, you have never ever let me forget, your brutal words and military style of maintaining order have created the man I am. You aren't confident in me I see these things. I love you for being there even though I never ever asked you to be. I love you for not being there when I needed you. I love you because you aren't perfect, but you gave it a shot.
HaS aka Jr
Happy Father's Day
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