Yesterday...this weekend...so far in this year...I've found a new puzzle to try and figure out. How do I forgive myself for my actions and how to put it behind me. For years now I've hated someone for their short comings, for their inability to be dependable, for their lack of understanding, for their uncanny ability to fuck up every last dream I've ever had. I winced and shook when people would speak of our similarities.
Today I admitted that the man before isn't perfect and that in many ways I am just like him. I will never be just like him but I seem to have made a very similar mistake. I held so much against him for being so controlling, untrustworthy, insecure, and childish. Now that I look back I see I was just like him.
Showing me I am all but clean. My hands under the correct lighting are stained...
"I know why I am where am I, through no faults of your own. I hope that one day you and I cross paths again. I hope that one day I can be that friend you once confided in. The one you believed would not write your secrets on a dagger and stab you with them. The friend who doesn't dig constantly. The one who doesn't need constant reassurance that you are there with them because you actually want to be there. The one who gives you the benefit of the doubt and expects nothing from you at all.Nuff said
Life has always been hard on you. I wanted to be a person you could come to, to escape those stresses of the world. Instead I became a world of additional stresses that became hard to escape...
I know you've probably forgiven me long before this, at least I hope so. I hope that all this is far from being at the front of your mind. I hope this and all that happened is but merely a memory and a stepping stone to much better things to come. I also wanted to say I'm sorry for not realizing this when you showed me yourself. This maybe the furthest topic from your mind. You, however cross my mind every single day."