My father never showed me my inner strength, partly because he wasn't taught his inner strength existed. My father taught me fear, mostly because he grew up scared himself. I always wondered why my dog was so fearful, I understand now, her master was fearful. I was never validated as a man by my father. In all actuality I was emasculated by him, verbally. I have so much anger and shame towards him mostly because of my constant unanswered questions about myself, my abilities, my manhood. Well they were answered...just every answer was always that I wasn't strong enough, that I didn't belong with the rest of strong men of the world, that I wasn't dangerous, that I wasn't powerful, that in the worlds eyes I was prey. The older I became the more I began to recognize that he was more fearful and defeated than I ever felt. I began to feel like he had failed me as father, I began to shun and disown him. Not once did he ever show me how to face my fears. Never did he ever praise me for my power or skill. I heard that he was proud of me but never believed him. After writing this I feel as though I have much to discuss with God.
First lesson is forgiveness...
Second lesson is unlearning all the painful lessons that he taught me....
with love
-Haze
No comments:
Post a Comment