Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lessons that need to be unlearned and one new lesson to learned

My father never showed me my inner strength, partly because he wasn't taught his inner strength existed. My father taught me fear, mostly because he grew up scared himself. I always wondered why my dog was so fearful, I understand now, her master was fearful. I was never validated as a man by my father. In all actuality I was emasculated by him, verbally. I have so much anger and shame towards him mostly because of my constant unanswered questions about myself, my abilities, my manhood. Well they were answered...just every answer was always that I wasn't strong enough, that I didn't belong with the rest of strong men of the world, that I wasn't dangerous, that I wasn't powerful, that in the worlds eyes I was prey. The older I became the more I began to recognize that he was more fearful and defeated than I ever felt. I began to feel like he had failed me as father, I began to shun and disown him. Not once did he ever show me how to face my fears. Never did he ever praise me for my power or skill. I heard that he was proud of me but never believed him. After writing this I feel as though I have much to discuss with God.

First lesson is forgiveness...
Second lesson is unlearning all the painful lessons that he taught me....

with love


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