Monday, September 28, 2009

as of 9-28-2009

Sometimes your hands twitch. Not sure what to say or how to say it. It’s crazy how I’m okay. Well I think I’m okay. I try and put forth an effort to make it seem like I’m the same old me. I have to be honest with myself, and with you, I’m far from okay. My head is still spinning even though in the past few years I’ve been living by the phrase, “rolling with the punches”, but in this never ending fight with that bitch named life, it’s never easy to recover from a punishing blow.

Life has been delivering some punches to the face, the groin, and the chest as well. You see this whole got damn year has just been one hook to the face after another. You see this year just keeps letting me know that I have plenty of things to be thankful for as well, but the punches that I take for understanding these things are kind ridiculous. My father, my ex girl friend, my job, my car, my brother, my mother, my education, and my mind don’t all need to be thrown’ at me at the same time as realizing I’m lonely. Yes I will admit it that girl last night reminded me of what it was like to feel. I liked feeling something. Made me feel alive again, made me feel like my chest had breathe and my heart had a beat. Considering for the past few months I have felt almost nothing at all. Feeling my heart race again sent a jolt to my body.

I honestly don’t want her. I want her sexually to pacify my needs. Now I am a man and I have needs just like everyone else but I refuse to do that to her. One she has a son, two she gets attached quickly, three she lets go even faster. So why lie to myself and her, I told her flat out, I neither have the time, patience, energy, nor mind set to be in a relationship. Just not at the moment. As much as I am willing to commit to her I can’t. I like she’s cool, she has a pair of tits(and I mean that figuratively, like she has a pair of balls). Apparently she has some intelligence but she just isn’t up to the par of woman that I want in my life anyway. Now this isn’t the first girl I’ve had to break it to the hard way but honestly the second that had me thinking of someone else while with them.

Another reason I’m not ready to move to another woman is because I’m not like my ex. I can not just not think about someone who I never wanted out of my life. I’m not saying that she needs to be just depressed but even I have learned the hard way that you have to let your wounds heal before someone can enter your life, the sooner you begin this process, the better. I feel like I may have misrepresented myself and the angle I saw Jessica’s situation in my comments and my blogger post earlier. I don’t resent you for not telling me it was about a person. I completely understand you don’t wanna talk about situations like that with me, you don’t want it to seem as though your rubbing it in my face that you have feelings for someone else. I have to say that honestly if moving on to someone else and hoping for a relationship was that easy for you to do then more power to you. I honestly can’t do that to myself and that person because the last thing I want is to get involved with someone else and realize I’m not fully ready for them.

Other than that I have to say that the room has been spinning lately, faster than usual. I have been a little freer to just say what’s on my mind to literally anybody and everybody more than usual. I know I am a shameless person at times, and saying what ever to anybody is nothing new, to some but lately the things I’ve allowed myself to say is more personal.

I hate to sound like a complainer but my life has hit a brick wall going about 69 miles an hour literally. My folks getting a divorce, I imagined separation but never the rest of this bullshit. My own father is nothing more than a ten year old selfish, depressed, confused, coward. Hurts to say but it’s the truth. I will never look at him with much respect from that moment on. It blew my mind away to hear my brother call me telling me to get home now. It broke my heart to hear my mother cry like that. It broke my heart even more to see the soft under belly of a coward’s personality. Before I go any further I would like to say this, “Thank you lord for giving me the strength to not allow this to turn me into the very thing that I dreaded being like for years.”

Now I must say that filing a temporary protection order is nothing anyone really wants to do. To be honest most people would prefer to not allow the police to get involved but sometimes you have no choice. My father being God knows where on this forsaken planet and me not knowing does bother me I would like to know he’s okay but even I must say living in the same house with him is not healthy for any of us. He still has some sorting out to do with his life before he can be apart of my life again. My mother, my brother they can be the judge of him on their own terms but until he steps to me as a man and shows me he deserves my respect I can not just give it to him. He has laid his hands on my mother more than once and honestly I will NEVER allow that to happen again. He is not a bad person, he is my father I love him but I can not allow that kind of behavior around those I care for the most.

I must say that the days that it rained were the longest days of my life things felt so very unreal. It was never supposed to go this far. Civilized separation was what I could see and imagine but me having such rage and anger towards my own blood. Its not right. I have always had a problem with my father for not leading by example. That was the one thing that I could never understand regardless of what your father did to you and regardless of whether or not he was there for you or not. He and you are two different people. Thank you for being there for me but don’t ever use that excuse to explain your lack of reasoning. You are a very intelligent person whom I used to look at in a semi-decent tone. Now you have destroyed all of my trust and faith in who you are. But what sucks is to realize I don’t really know who you are. I know nothing of your childhood. Nor none of your life lessons as a young person. All I know about you is you spent 8 years of your life within the walls of a library cutting class.

Today is now 9-29-2009…I have court and a final today and to top it all off my car still isn’t fixed…two days ago I was pulled over on a bike in my own town, I haven't been to work in over a week, and I lost my second job as well, Life has been so very hard in 2009...lets see how tomorrow goes...

To be continued at a later date

-Hazey

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