I hate when I remember to remember you

I decided to think of you today...
and all the crap you would say...
the cheap shots you would take,
at my pride to put a smile on your face...
the memories of the way,
the sunlight hit your face...
it makes me angry now in every way...
I guess its just like they used to say...
train tracks go both fucking ways......

-Hazey

The version my mind really originally wrote

I decided to think of you today...
and all the things you would say...
the shots you would take,
to put a smile on my face...
the memories of the way,
the sunlight hit your face...
it made me smile in every way...
I guess its just like I always say...
I decided to think of you today...
but train tracks go both fucking ways...
don't they?
yes train tracks do go both fucking ways...
I guess its just like they used to say...
everything that you you used to say...
it makes me angry now in every way...
the way sunlight used to hit your face...
the memories still stay and never fade,
the cheap shots you would take,
at my pride to put a smile on your face...
and all the crap you used to say...
yeah....I decided to think of you today...

-Oso

My thoughts on Haiti

This may offend some people and to some it may not...just a warning.

I have a close friend whom is Haitian...actually I have two. My friends are all mostly from Latin American countries and/or Caribbean countries. So I'm going to make this very brief, Why on earth does it take a Disaster for America to see the rest of the world and decide to do something?


-Nuff Said

insanity

I once expected something and now I expect nothing
hoping something will change and I won't be running
This air I can't breathe, its too toxic for me
without those missing parts of you, I see
to do the same things, repeatedly, is the definition of insanity,
in hopes of a different outcome, sadly is my reality
With words of pure emotion, Chickasaw style of smoking
inhaling the leaves of trees, I stay choking
my mind races with the hope that it'll change
so I dial you again, and what happens? the same thangs...

-Hazey

Updates

So far things are going great for me this year I can't complain. I have road blocks of course but who doesn't. I AM FINALLY ILLNESS FREE! Its been a month since I've felt this good so its good to wake up with a bit of energy. My birthday is rolling around in two weeks.[insert big kool-aid smile here]
I am on campus at my school again, no real friends yet but that doesn't really matter to me. I'm getting my documents together so I can transfer after this quarter is over. My mothers credit score is back up a lil so she can now help me with school if I need her. I have a different outlook on life now. Its a new feeling, to be honest I never really get excited about anything. So I'm excited for what's in store for me this year and next year.
I have a Valentines Day Date, I gotta say my mom thought it was crazy how I'm locked in for V-day already lol. I won't say that me and this woman will go anywhere with this but hey I'm down for the ride. Me and Wonderland aren't dating anymore :/ but hey me and V-day girl should be interesting.
I'm reading a book by Sistah Souljah and man I gotta say, my mom really knows me well. I bought her the book for christmas and she turned around and told me(after reading the book) to read it, I would like it. Those of you who may know me on a more personal level know I don't really read to many books, let alone go to a library. This book is really good though. It sheds some light on my fathers side of the family a bit more in a religious aspect, and yet reveals how I think at the same time. Its crazy. Anyway The books called Midnight by Sistah Souljah Check it out yo.
I have more indepth things to say about V-day girl, school so far, and my day to day stuff to say but ill save it for later...

thats all for now...
Peace and Much love to ya!


-Hazey

Idk

I'm bored, kinda bummed, and well...i say this feeling extremely vulnerable about it...lonely...

so Here are a few selections from my past that I'm not sure made it to the Blog yet...memories can be kinda painful...anyway enjoy

Words I try to remember...(2008)

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... she's loved before; she will love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you're not either. If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She's not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you CAN break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you"- anonymous

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To a former lover(2008)

When your phone rings do you hope its me?/
When you look me in the eye, who do you see/
I'm not hard to please/
As you can plainly see/ [lol]
From the pineapples to the step brothers/ [^ ^]
the various shit to yo stomach/
I keep it 100, and thats just the simple truth/
sayin what i mean and meanin what i say to you,/
is all the really matters when you smile/
laugh and giggle, only known you a while/

________________________________________________________________________________________________

To a Painful memory*(2008)

You, You are the reason,
that I dont believe in finding the love that I need and.
You are the reason,
i'm not dropping to my knees and.
You are the feeling,
that what i need is the real thing and.
And you are the reason,
that a smile left my face.
You became the reason,
that i write name on ever place.
Stop talking of her,
and put your name in her place.
You are the reason,
I find it hard to sleep at night and,
when your near i find it hard to say whats really right,

So i stay quiet and trapped within my mind.
theres no one to really talk to in there.
just like on the outside

[* I think this one has a few words I still feel today *]

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Sided(2008)

I try and try yet can seem to figure out-
if the woman of dreams is really what i’m about-
i love her and i tell everyday-
but the issue is now idk if she even feels the same way-
i’m the only saying it-
man joe aint that some shit-
got damn i’m still all torn up inside about this bitch-
got damn joe i love her and think thats it-
i care to much and theres the problem right there-
since i care to much i cant pretend to not even care-
so with that being said i will vanish into thin air-
fuck it, fuck love, and fuck life itself-
i’m always the one getting the belt-
they walk away unharmed even in the slightest-
i hate who am i now and that shit i mean to tee-
yes becuz of a girl i now hate me-
i feel like she wants another-
i feel like she found another lover-
and all i am is a ride-
fuck joe, i got that torn feeling inside-
and you can tell when you look me in the eyes-
that my pride has taken a dive-
and soul ready to die-
and my heart speaks what my eyes cant cry

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That Feeling(2008)

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/

You feel like your fucking up/
Your heart beats' still/
Your back's got chills/
Emotionally your shooken up/
Kinda paranoid wondering what the answers gon' be/
Are gon' stick by my side or are you gon' leave?/
Man I get the verdict and it can't be/
The only time I'm truly happy is in my dreams/
I fall asleep on time, ready to die, ready to leave/
My dreams are happy they are where I wanna be/
I awake late, tired, and unhappy/
Then the pain kicks in/
My mind bends/
My world spins/
And I really can't comprehend/
Why I feel this feeling in my chest/
How long must I wait to get rid of this weakness/
How long must I suffer through such heartache and distress/

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/
And for some reason you know its over but you can't get them out of your head/

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Last one I promise lol at least for tonight

My angel(2006)

you call me your angel/
well then your my passion/
you keep me from catchin' hell/
your my purpose and my mission/
your my soul,..no your my heart/
you drive everything/
your what i think about in the mornin' when i start/
so in a since if im your angel then u r what keeps me living/

Anyway thats all I have tonight...leave some love yo...

much love to ya

-Hazey

Clouds

I wasn't too sure about posting this but hey what the hell right?
why not post it? Idk how it compares to the other things I've written but...
ahhh who cares enjoy :}

Silence surrounds you and your friends,
your stomping ground looks as though it will never end,
silver linings trace your very shape...

The bit of hope is in your face,
the sun is just there to light up your place,
but like your counterpart your time is limited...

I know that your presence is a gift,
so I live in your moment til it quits,
hanging on to that moment and its take...

I remember you like the world is wrong with out you,
as I think of the world, my memory always has a place for you,
blinking once you are gone and one still feels that you are apart of it....

Why'd you have to go?

-Hazey

Forgiveness

Its 3:27 am on Sunday the 17th 2010,

Yesterday...this weekend...so far in this year...I've found a new puzzle to try and figure out. How do I forgive myself for my actions and how to put it behind me. For years now I've hated someone for their short comings, for their inability to be dependable, for their lack of understanding, for their uncanny ability to fuck up every last dream I've ever had. I winced and shook when people would speak of our similarities.

Today I admitted that the man before isn't perfect and that in many ways I am just like him. I will never be just like him but I seem to have made a very similar mistake. I held so much against him for being so controlling, untrustworthy, insecure, and childish. Now that I look back I see I was just like him.

Showing me I am all but clean. My hands under the correct lighting are stained...

"I know why I am where am I, through no faults of your own. I hope that one day you and I cross paths again. I hope that one day I can be that friend you once confided in. The one you believed would not write your secrets on a dagger and stab you with them. The friend who doesn't dig constantly. The one who doesn't need constant reassurance that you are there with them because you actually want to be there. The one who gives you the benefit of the doubt and expects nothing from you at all.

Life has always been hard on you. I wanted to be a person you could come to, to escape those stresses of the world. Instead I became a world of additional stresses that became hard to escape...

I know you've probably forgiven me long before this, at least I hope so. I hope that all this is far from being at the front of your mind. I hope this and all that happened is but merely a memory and a stepping stone to much better things to come. I also wanted to say I'm sorry for not realizing this when you showed me yourself. This maybe the furthest topic from your mind. You, however cross my mind every single day."
-Personal writings

Nuff said
-Hazey

Wasn't sure what to call this

"Why am I always writing?... I've been having a lot of headaches lately...I've been sick for a few weeks now...Because I'm always thinking... ...Maybe I need to take a break from a few things..."My own mind" is at the top of my list. It seems like last year was really tiring..."

- From my personal writings

I found this thought in one of personal writings on my itouch today (after a bit of editing). I guess in some ways when a person thinks that to themselves in class at 7pm on Wednesday you kinda take a hint. So I'm gonna to do that, a take a break from writing on my blogger and just focus on school for a little while...Be back in a few weeks i guess...

I think somebody's helpful hint finally sunk in now that I think of it....

I'll post a few personal thoughts in the mean time tho...

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"

The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...

Just so I can Sleep(Case Closed)

For the past few weeks now I've been sick and shut in. The recent lose in my family is very bothersome I will say. We hate that he's gone. I'm blown away really.

As much as I want to make this post about him and the memory of him I can't (the post After this one will be in memory of him :] ). I've pretty much lost a large chunk of faith in people in general.

So everyone forgive me for what is being said here but I need to get this off my chest. These words are much more than anybody would ever deserve.

Yesterday was a very powerful day for me. I was up and full of energy after a very uncomfortable morning. My cousin had me look into a girl who says we go to the same school. I decided to say whats up since she was talking to my cousin and why not I might be able to hang out with a few new people in the process right? Well the first sign to me that this was a THE DUMBEST BITCH I've ever had the gracious opportunity to speak to was on Facebook. She argued with me about what credits transfer and what credits don't from our school. She says to me none of our credits transfer that's how they keep you at our school and that she checked. Never mind I investigated at a few select schools and my credits DO in fact transfer. I let it go said hey we should chill when we're both on campus. I asked her how long had she been at my school. She said three months! I was like okay that's strike two! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT YOUR CREDITS TRANSFERRING, WHEN YOU JUST GOT TO THE GOTDAMN SCHOOL!

*clears throat* I said oh I've been here almost two years. She's like damn wasted credits if your tracsferring. I also let that shit go. She then proceeds to give me her number saying she's got to go and calls me a cutie. [not to sound like my head got big but after two strikes she needed something to keep her as atleast a friend] I was okay I'll ttyl. She says text me now I can't find my phone I do. She then proceeds to tell me she's going on a date. I'm like oh thats whats up. I didn't care I don't want the girl she's not my type.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS BITCH TEXTED ME THROUGH HER WHOLE FUCKING DATE!

She tells me she met the guy at a bar(she's only 19) and was kinda drunk. I'm thinking Strike 3. First of all if you find it in the club leave it at the club don't date it! Now she tells me he's fugly, sorry but i laughed so damn hard at this dumb bitch. I ask where did he take you and wow you were so drunk that you didn't remember him being ugly. She says Barncles. I'm 20 in less than 28 days :] and I know, I KNOW that barncles is a fucking sports bar that guys between 28-50 go to on the weekends to avoid their wives. I ask her how old is he and he sounds cheap. She says 35, I'll repeat that again 35! SHE'S 19(her birthdays in september *cough*)

Now anyone with their right state of mind KNOWS that if you don't remember what they look like why date them? I asked her did you know this prior to your date. She says NO. Strike 4 and 5 yes people she gets 2 strikes for that dumb shit. If you don't know this man, don't remember what he looks like and don't know his age and STILL PROCEED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM?! You ma'am are a dumb bitch.

*Clears throat*

I laughed at this bitch. She then proceeds to call me. I was in the shower I text her back and said you rang? She says you couldn't call me back. [I'm wet, naked and in a towel.] My mom proceeds to tell me the horrible news of my 5 year old cousin Sean's death today. I just stop talking to her. She texts me again. I say I'm going to bed I have a migrane and my cousin has just died. She texts me WHAT. I repeat the damn text message because apparently she's illiterate too.

I then need to go down stairs and speak to my cousin to see if he knows. She messages me on facebook saying, migrane huh? lose my number. I say IDK what to say to you really my cousins dead but okay I will. She says damn, Fuck You. You are a Liar.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS, THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME HURT MY SOUL ALMOST AS MUCH AS THE NEWS ITSELF.

She says lose my number and stop talking to me go fuck yourself. I was kinda feeling you up until now. You've been cool all day until now.[hmmmm I WONDER WHY?! and I wasn't feeling you like that, nor was I talking to you like that from the jump bitch I DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE THAT NOR AM I ATTRACTED TO YOU IN THAT MANNER, and you have too many strikes on your record for just meeting you.]

What is the world coming to when a person can accuse me of lying about the death of a little boy to whom I'm related and seen him grow? He was only 5, he was born with two lungs but only one works the other didn't develop. He wasn't supposed to have made to kindergarten. But he was a fighter and he made it to school, it just kills me inside...

I'll talk about my cousin later. For now FUCK DUMB BITCHES FA REAL, dumb bitches are the last thing I want to deal with in the midst of such a lose in my family...

*sigh*
Case Closed Next!
-Hazey

to my readers

Dear readers,

At the moment I'm at a complete lose for words. My much younger cousin has passed away. He was 5. I'm at a lose for words...

Life is precious, enjoy every moment, laugh when you can, smile when you don't have to, tell the ones you love that you love them everyday, God is real....

-Hazey

Everyone has problems

I have to make room for this thought Ill post it a lil later. I must say my brother is my biggest worry. I see black men everyday go to jail, looking up to drug dealers, and seeing sports, drug dealing, and rapping as the only ways to become successful...and many women still idealize that...I just dont wanna lose him in everyway you know....

to be continued

Hazey's list

Its about 1:15 am est here in Atlanta, Ga. If you haven't seen on the news, its very fuckin cold out side lol. I'm sick and have been sick now since Christmas fuckin day. I went to the Dr./ Clinic seeing as how my regular psychisian was thriple booked on New Years Eve when I found Blood in my mucus. So now I'm finding it impossible to sleep, I can eat but my favorite pass time SLEEP is basically an up hill stream and I aint got a paddle. So I got out of bed and decided to write to all those people out there how read my Blog, ( thanks for reading btw :] ). So after veiwing a very interesting persons blog today I decided that I should make a list of everything I want to do before I die. Gotta say its kinda exciting when I think about it.


This is Hazey's List:

1. Visit New Zealand
2. Visit Australia
3. Speak Fluent Spanish by the age of 24
4. Begin to learn Arabic, Japanese, and French by 26(yeah I'm aiming high bitch)
5. Graduate from College and begin a masters program somewhere.
6. OWN MY OWN APARTMENT!
7. Finally get my German Shepard
8. Add 50 lbs. of muscle to this frame of mine(I'll fill you guys in on that a bit later)
9. Get my full back custom Tattoo
10. Own a two seater car and a Chopper
11. Travel the world!
12. Learn three different types of Martial Arts from their places of ORIGIN
13. Learn to play the Guitar( this includes: bass, acoustic, and electric)
14. Learn to play the Drums as well
15. Relearn to play the Sax and French horn also Trumpet
16. Live outside the US for a 7 years
17. Get duel citizenship to another country
18. Get lost in the world for a while
19. Return to the US and have thousands of pictures to share with my family and friends
20. One day start my own family
    

2010 and whats to come

As many of you may know,
I am placing my ducks in line so that I can go off to school else where. With so much going on at home, I've honestly lost time to focus on anyone, anything, or anybody but my mom and brother. Christmas was awesome, I managed to save $300 to spend on them this year BY MY SELF :) and still be able to travel to north GA and south GA throughout the holidays without spending any of that saved money. I was proud of myself on that achievement. My money is starting to look right and my heart's full again.

Over the past few months I've been focusing on who is most important in my life, my FAM and FRIENDS. I have to say its probably the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Its been a long time since I've last been able to say this and know its here to stay, but...I'm happy with the way my life is. I mean sure yeah I'm single but honestly another person in my life right now is a bad idea. I've dated like 4-5 girls but I'm good without all that. My mother is dating now, well sorta, I think she likes this one guy and he's always talking to her but I'm hoping she doesn't get wrapped up. She's smart I have some faith in her abilities to not let things get too far.

Anyway I'm focused on school once more LIKE I always should be. During my somewhat of a break from life and all responsibilities itself moment I realized that I had been hoping for a chance to better myself and my situation(better job and move out) and I always had that chance sitting in front of me I just chose to ignore it. I realized that if I get myself together and get my mind focused I can do that while my dumb ass is in school! It took me two years after high school to realize that?! Yeah you can laugh at me if you want, I don't mind, I was pissed when I figured that one out anyway.

On another hand, Wonderland, Philipino, Salvy, and the other two which I won't name are out of the picture. THANK GOD! They were all, sorry to bash them but, kinda slow. Well wonderland was smart and the chemistry was there just she and I will never happen, well not any time soon I should say.

This poem underneath is what I've been conduring up to say to my mother when I do finally leave between april and july 2010.

I know it's been a while since Ive lasted posted to the world
so today I thought I'd start by thanking the most important girl
life has taken off for the both of us mama
and lil man is tryna come up and be a man
lookin at me 3-80s like imma oozi or llama, damn
yeah even though his daddy's gone
that didn't stop us having a fucking happy home
on christmas we went oh so crazy
on new years you even had a toast with ya babys
outside its always chilly or even blistering
walk inside and conversations are blooming, i hope your listening

I haven't written in a while, it wasn't supposed to be this way
I'm about to catch a flight and i think the tickets one way
just understand that in my heart both of you will stay
to be a man of creditability is what I'm striving to be some day
a man a of caliber in your eyes is something I want you say
and understand that you did your eldest son the right way
and losing faith in tomorrow is not an option for us
lil man is growing fast and to be a great for him is a must
its in his eyes I can see it he wants so much and to be it
it in which is a man of trust, a man of strength something we never had with us
I wanna leave and come back an example of how to live and how to be, not who it is we are without, but...

like you said mom its our year
I promise you no more sad nights wiping your tears
I got some goals to achieve and enemy's to slay
shooting down my fears and show the world I'm not here to play
I'm here to stand tall and mothafuckin ball
I may leave you soon but it aint forever, just know Imma always call
and when the seasons right we're gonna be a fam again thats my word
but for now its au revoir I gotta story to tell like they've neva heard
to pursue my dreams through whatever art form I can manifest in verbs
just know I gonna make you proud mama take that as my word....
-Hazey