Starting Life a New (York Way of Life)

Haze is in the City...FINALLY!

Ive been in New York for a little over a week and damn near gave up. From the minute I landed in this bitch there's been some bullshit. Literally! We arrived 20 minutes early. I swear the flight and trip out of Atlanta was so smooth it scared me. Anyway we landed 20 minutes early to sit on the runway for an hour and thirty minutes just to get off the plane. I was so pissed! Then to make matters worse they lost our luggage...THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE! At this point all I can say is fuck La-Guardia! After waiting for another hour to get my luggage we leave and Sabrina's significant other was tripping already. I literally just got off the plane for this nigga to be tripping about me staying the night with her.SMFH!

So I am volunteering at a Ranch for troubled boys in Riverhead, New York..Yeah I said RANCH and New York in the same thought and sentence. Its straight though the kids are bad and somebody is gonna catch the ass-kicking of their life when I find out who stole my i-pod but other than that its been cool.

I miss home like crazy...
I must say that through everything I have been through I know my mom will be there for me and that she misses me...

Gabriela is out of my mind already she has pretty much showed me that she wont make any effort to see me at all when I literally live down the street from her. Sabrina needs to get herself in order and stop being boo'd up all the damn time. Time spent focused on the person in the mirror is time well spent.

I recently spazzed on my popz for calling me on some bullshit and leaving an angry voice-mail. So i told him about himself and haven't spoken to him since. I feel like I am obligated to have a relationship with him when in all honesty I don't have any desire to have a relationship with him at all.

I am at the school at the moment and all I can think about is will Financial Aid work out and allow me to move on the campus and start classes. That's all I want. I don't really want a relationship like soooooooo many people out there want. I just want to have my own. My own place, a new car so I can fix my baby(95 mustang), A GOOD JOB THAT I ENJOY, enough income to where I can send money home to my mom to help her out with whatever she may need. Life is unfolding differently than I thought it would.

I miss everyone at home more and more everyday and can not wait to see them again...

Yesterday I felt as though I would have to come home because I may not be able to work things out with the school. I also believed that even if I found a job I would not be able to get to it nor would I have a place to live. I felt like a complete failure...Like I didnt do enough to succeed...Like I let everyone I know and love down...

I wont know if my efforts to start life a New (York) will bare fruits until 5:30 this afternoon...


Peace, Love, and Faith
-Haze

I Could Be...But I'm Not...

I could be fearful. I could be doubtful. I could be timid. I could be any other feeling other than completely certain. For some reason you give me certainty and hope. Normally I would feel fearful of who you could be. I could doubtful of what we can be. I could feel so many other negative feelings but instead you are all positive attraction...I just...I just know who you are...I am secure in who you are and what we will be...wether it's friends or more...whatever happens between us I'm just happy it happens...


I could be alotta things...


but I'm not..
-Hazey

when i need a reminder

this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God

• I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
• I have gained a sense of self
• I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
• I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
• I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
• I understand my own thought patterns
• no kids
• no criminal record
• a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
• good health
• good looks(i have an ego too you know)
• and EVERY MOMENT  IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
• I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
• I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
• I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
• I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)

though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...

In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...

i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!


But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey

the end of a bad month

soooo its been forever since i've written anything or just posted a picture so enjoy

Dre's back in town, and man things is moving like crazy out here

My boy Mike is divorced ALREADY after being married for only 2 and half months he's gotta wait an entire year before all this shit is over

Jessica speaks to me again which is awesome, gotta say i missed hearing from her

i really like Alex more and more,

i feel like Gaby is probably gonna be my next girl

the crew is falling apart cuz im leaving next month

my brother might be moving to chicago to live with my father next year

my car is being left behind in GA and im moving to NEW YORK

i went to the studio this past week and all i wanted to do was produce Dres track like i used to and it killed me to not be able to

im considering joining Peacecorps after I get my BA

my houses waterheater has broken twice in 2 weeks so that means we have no hot water...

the best part about this is, is that my mom is slowly becoming herself again...

i feel blank today...and all i wanna do is smile but right now theres nothing in my heart that says Hassan Smile...

-Hazey

Recent scattered thoughts

My heart is still broken

Hahah I'm so happy and it's strange I don't long for anyone, u don't want anyone, I'm grateful for so much more in my life than I have ever been in my entire life.

I nearly died three times in my 21 years on this planet and seriously each time is lesson. Two of which were car accidents.

It's fathers day and he's out in Chicago and honestly on this day he's crossed my mind three times other than during the course of writing this shit down.  I've been away from you. I've been drinking and smoking again... I've been loving my friends and enjoying the time I have left here. Something is coming...I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, my heart says it's coming, idk what it is but it's coming. I just hope that when it gets here I'm ready to play my part and do what's right.

Years have passed and honestly you still cross my mind...

At this point I don't even know who you are anymore. I wish I did, I wish things were different, I wish so much some times I think it's just me speaking about things that God ignores. You aren't my hope, you don't haunt my dreams anymore, my  biggest fear is not becoming the man that you wished you had stayed with. My greatest fear is becoming less than who I know I am to become. All I'm going on right now is hope and a prayer that when I land in NEW YORK that everything just gradually gets better and better for me...

I'm so scared of failing myself, my family, and most importantly not living up to my expectations of myself...

-hazey