A weeks summary

This past week was interesting I'll say. I really wanted and even tried to reach out to those I've lost contact with. I went to church again, lol :]. So here's last week in the nut shelll

• I didn't get a car yet,
• I did however find a 76 camaro that I seriously am feigning for. Its a beautiful car. I have a few obstacles that I'd have to hurdle first with that car.
• I am still car shopping.
• I did however get some good news
  

I was so very frustrated with life itself. I know everyone has their own troubles but here are mine.


I was a part time worker who bust his ass 4-5days 35 hours a week for nearly 4 years for the few things he has to his name. A full time student,no children,no debt and most importantly no criminal record. I had a car that I used to work at that point I hated my job but so very grateful for it considering so many people out of work now. I was hoping since last year to get a decent tax return and be able to either upgrade to a newer car or fix all the problems I had with lucy. I get into a car accident and everyone throws me under the bus(I didn't however hit a bus, I hit fucking X5 BMW's biggest motor vehicle), I'm not a demon to the world, I work, I love, I laugh, I study(to a degree that best suits me lol), I attempt to stay on my path going in the direction that I see fit. The insurance company wont cover anything WHATSOEVER, My job wont do SHIT FOR ME, and im not sure if this lady will sue. I just recently got the police report and it further confirms that the accident was not my fault. So im guessing you are wondering WTF is the damn problem?

• I lost my means of transportation to and from school.
• and when you live outside 285 its hard to catch a bus considering that don't run anywhere near my house
  
• meaning I no longer have a job
• meaning i have no money to do anything making me completely dependent!
• with no money to really buy a car im using what money i have from school and my taxes to find an inexpensive car but there's one issue with that

I have less than 3 grand. When you are shopping for a car under 3 grand its a dice roll. The chances of me finding a car that runs well and lasts long enough for me to find a new job is less than that of finding a car that wont just die on me the next morning. So with that said I'd been pretty frustrated all week considering I didn't ever see this coming, I have limited resources to get on my feet with. Especially since I pictured myself else where instead of where I am, so yes I was!

Then a good friend of mine said some kind words to me that reminded me of a familiar comfort. Anyway she said, you know itll work itself out and you'll get back on your feet soon. So yesterday,saturday, I saw the wonderfully beautiful camaro that looks just like bumble bee from transformers(not the new one the old one :] ) I saw it. Horrible interior! but 55,000 miles on the dash board, new intake, new engine basically, black on black with big tires on new rims.

Now on friday I had my lucy dropped off at my house, shes still fucked up and can only see out of one head light :/. I realized I could do a few things because when I was younger I was a bit of a gear head. I still to this day love cars and want to build one from the chassis up. I realized I have all of lucy's parts. I can move my cd player, my pioneer speakrs, I had a custom steering wheel in my room from my best friend mike, and I can send the fabric for the seats to my aunt and have her fix them for me.

ONE BIG Problem! no job to fill her up and keep insurance on her. I wen and filed for unemployment this week. From the looks of it. I should get it! Pero Nada Seguro!"nothings certian" I learned that the hard way! So if I can wait a week and cross myfingers that he doesnt sell her, I might be able to find a job or get a check from the DOL and be on my feet very soon!

Now before I got all excited I have to continue looking for cars because if he sells the car, im going to me pissed..lol and a lil heartbroken.

Now with that said my brothers basketball game was hilarious! We had signs, team cheering, we even boo'd the opposite team btw their 13-14. It was fun. I managed to accomplish a lot more than I thought this week.

As of next quarter I will no longer be a criminal Justice major. I'm changing my damn major again! :] I'm gong back to my heart, my soul, my passion, my life. Music. I know I know there are soooo many people that want to do music nowadays. I am not them though. I don't want fame, I don't want fortune. I want to complete that list on the RIGHT hand side over there thats it. If God blesses me with more than its a blessing(lol).

Anyway I went out on saturday again. I went to La rumba again. I had fun, of course, just someone crossed my mind. I've been wanting to call them so badly. Not to reestablish anything, not to start anything, but just because I miss them genuinely. I want them to be apart of my life. Shit happens and I can't be mad at them for the path that is their life. I texted them today, they never replied. You would take that as a hint right? They want nothing to do with me, or they were busy!(see benefit of the doubt). I don't know if its that I wish everyday that I heard from them or that it bothers me from a place deep down that I don't hear from them at all. Everyone has their own life and I completely understand that. Shit I forget to call people every day. I don't want them to commit anytime to speaking to me or even think I want them to speak to me everyday, everyweek, every month...NO! Once in a blue moon would just be nice. I miss them, and just wanna see how they are doing.

Aside from all this frustration to get back to being the man I should be, I am happier everyday. I won't lie I get mad, I get stressed, I get down, but I can't lie I am so very much happier deep down from this whole ordeal.

my parting words

to any woman who isn't reminded everyday
you are beautiful and everyway
you are a jem, precious but not a prize
love only those who love you with sinless eyes
open hearts, and honest words out and inside
You are a storm, power in its finest hour; an overcast
you make it rain, and I'm not talking about a rappers cash
not even the weather channel can predict that
-Hazey

Updates later
-Hazey

I Miss That Feeling

I miss that feeling

The curves that corvettes never bested
A touch that made a man stronger
A smile that was all but lovingly familiar
A modest woman, but never appeared flat chested
A love that lingered and stung longer
Longer than any touch, nothing felt realer

Don't get me wrong it's finished
But I am a man who knows what he wants
And will take nothing lesser or diminished
A powerful love, incomparable to any other
I know how it feels, so i know it's real

It may sound silly, but I know what I want to feel
Life is short, beautiful, and dangerous
Why shouldn't the one I turn over to be just as furious?

-Hazey

Grace

Today's sermon was about Grace. Not in a sense of figure skating or anything of that nature but Grace as in God making things right within you and around you. When we think of grace we think of Athletes and their ability to do what they have trained and practiced so hard to do. We think of peace amongst the chaos. The eye of the storm where all is still and calm.

I have a feeling this week will be rocky. I also feel it will be rewarding.

While in church today I came to grips with the fact with my feelings for my father. I am not mad anymore. I've let those things go, because I know its not my place to judge him. I am not his maker so it is not my job nor my duty to do such a thing. What I realized is that I am disappointed in him for things he had control over.

I know part of the reason I am where I am is through my own faults, as a man I have to take and correct my own faults. I ain't self righteous or anything. The sermon today mentioned to me that God can interfere with your life in a way that will put you where you belong. That HE/SHE will put you through hell to show you its time to change. The life you were living is not how you should be living.

So with that in my mind, I said to myself, HE/SHE took my car, my job, my peace of mind in reliance on my car to show me something. There's something he wants me to stop doing, someone to stop speaking to, someone or something I was doing wasn't what HE/SHE wanted me to be doing. I have a few people, a few habits, and a few patterns of thinking that I believe he wants me to change. Me losing my car, may have been the best medicine for me.

The Sermon also talked about direction and walks of life. The Rev. said its funny how we all have these goals, and plans, and meticulously detailed steps in life that we want and see ourselves doing with our lives. When what we may want to do with our lives may not be what HE/SHE wants us to do with our lives.

I'm so frustrated with everyone, everything, and the snails taking over my fish tank hahahah. So I have a Saints Symbol hanging from my neck, the Fleur d' Lis. I was told it represents Grace under Pressure. God knows I don't have an ounce in my body hahah. I am looking to find a new car this week, hopefully a mustang :-], I've wanted one since I was like 5 hhahaha which wasn't too long ago compared to some. Also I am looking into a new occupation of bar tending. Yeah, don't judge me hahaha.

So here are my goals for this week

• Purchase car, two door, between 95-2006 for about 2k(yeah craigslist is hilarious)
• Begin the job hunt again
• Rap up ALL final projects
• and somehow or another show some GRACE if things don't go my way...(i think one of my exes would agree with this damn line...hahah oh well old habits die hard even for them)

anyway pCe

-Hazey

I don't want you

I don't want you

I like you, I love you
We click and flex
We match, we mesh
But it's all emotional
Lust is the driving force
I'm sorry but your face is optional
Not a choice for me of course
Heartless? Me? Why yes
Say what you must
Your not what I truly want
You turn me on only, so it's just lust
Don't ask me for what you want

I know this to be true
When I'm with you
My eyes still wander the room
No I never notice your new perfume
Your hand I don't want
Your love I don't need
Don't get me wrong the sex brings me to my knees
But if I found someone else, you wouldn't even hear from me
I may kiss you, I may hold you, I may even one day love you
But from the bottom of my heart, understand I will never truly want you

*I think everyone can relate to this one*
-Hazey

Our dreams, your love

Deep Breathe

I'm sitting back reflecting on my day and it's course. The ups and downs, the mountain highs and valleys below. The emotional roller coaster I'm riding in my day to day life.

I've come to a few conclusions. Since I'm a writer I'll express it the best way possible.

My memory serves me best
I guess
The words of the past
Seem to haunt me again
With your words in the wind
And your breathe on my heart
I look at the growth I've attained
And hope that with it I one day gain
The hope I've lost along the way
The pain everyone endures is deep
It scars from our head to our feet
Leaving traces of love in your stitches
To live in our dreams or live in your image
Is a goal we strive every day to reach
Some lose hope and are lost to the road
Some reach it fast, and some's pace is slowed
Some never reach it and are doomed to return
Through our dreams we strive for greatness
But me, I'm different I strive with patience
My worst fear was to be a forgotten memory to her
Now I look back and say why did I fear it?
Being in her memory, a stain, a punch, a kick!
If that's all I'll ever be, well that brings my heart comfort

Nuff said,
-Hazey