Dad and his damn voice...

You know without hesitation

I wish everything was about me, had something to do with me, and yet didn't effect me. I read peoples blogs hoping to find a sign that I crossed atleast someone elses mind. I hope that someone wants my attention, fucked up part about it is, when they do I don't want their attention. I want what I want even if it has no value to me. The thing that really gets me is that no one really cares...

This is the part where I beat up on myself and call myself worthless and pointless. The part where I tell you I can't do anything right and that I'm pathetic yet I don't want your pity. Then a bit of shame crosses my soul and makes me say something like why should anyone care cuz I don't care and that I have no passion, I have no desire to do anything but to jus be and do as things come to me.

I guess what I'm tryna say is...I still don't know exactly who I am yet....ha! This is when I brain says HAHA! Nigga how the fuck you gonna figure out where you want to be in life if you don't even know where or who you really are?

Humph...

Yeah my thoughts exactly...

Without any hesitation what so ever I heard my dads voice in my head saying " what do you wanna do with your life? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Where do you wanna be??"

The fucked part is I never had answer...

When people ask me to tell them about myself I don't know what to say...I tell them what sounds good, sometimes. Depending on the person I may tell them the truth for the simple fact that I find it relieving to be 100% truthful. In reality I have nothing to say about myself. I'm not proud of myself or my accomplishments because I don't see the value in it. I value very little, not too many things pull weight in my heart. Nothing lights my fire really....

I'm trailing what i was talking about is how I don't really know how I am, what I like to do, what I want from life, and  most importantly what I want to do with my life! I think my underlining problem is I have yet to define myself...

As I've stated before have no passion, nothing moves me. I tap to the beat of my own drum. And what's really got me is why haven't I found it yet? But if I have found it why don't I recognize it?

Then I hear my dad's voice in my head again!  Saying "Well how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you don't know where to start?"

I gotta say popz fuck you and your difficult ass questions!!! Lol

-Hazey 

this is a horrible thing to feel

i looked back at some posts i made in 2009 and 2008 much to my surprise considering i rarely ever read what i write...and i began reading some of the things i said...deep things...things that i wish i never said...much less published to the world...

i feel, stupid, niave, childish, immature, and kind of ashamed...mostly at how stupid I was to get myself all worked up about something that just wasn't meant to be...

#2) Nothings feels worse than the moment in an argument that you realize you were wrong

hoping for things we can't have is however human...

i guess...


better news on the way...
-Hazey

its the first of November

They say give it ya best, but i always give em my worst

through the flames of  my failure this is what gave birth

through a mouth of confusion, people hear my words

understanding thoughts that made no sense when i heard

the verbs of birds cluckin words you neva heard, hit the curb

Hazey gettin hazey wit ya lady while she yellin please dont play me

buring wit my ninjas in the winter killin splinter

turtle green kermit in the shell of december

flavor off the wall so good i cant remember

tryna find my passion dawg, im tryna find the winner

somebody please remind me why im such a sinner

Cuz her ass is mighty fat but waist is mighty thinner

yeah i said it dawg im tryna get up in her

no man is ever perfect, just gut the dutch and place me in the center

so break me down and roll me up, and you can spark me in the winter

Flame me up!

-Hazey

commitments and passion...

you know im a typical mothafucka!!

Its getting close to the wire and honestly, i think im catching cold feet...
I have commitment issues you know...i know nothings ever certain...and nothing lasts forever...
but would it kill you to give me something that lasts forever...
I have all these decisions to make that honestly arent helping me accomplish anything yet...i want to be something but I can't find anything...

New York... my best friend...

Florida... my best friend and a career involved with music...

Chicago... living in the Windy

Here... Life as it is...

i still have no idea where i should be in life... im deathly afraid of moving to florida and becoming nothing...following a dream that i even question...im an artist i know this...I fear doing music and no one liking it...no one feeling what im saying... I havent been at this music thing my entire life...more like off and on...

my problem is ive never devoted myself to anything...ever...thats why its so hard for me to go through with this i guess......................damn...my answers just like that...

ive never commited to anything...ever...all iver ever done is get bored and move on...from people....situations...passions ive had momentarily...

no wonder somethings always missing...

I have no passion for anything...nothing that makes me feel good just doing...nothing that brings a smile on my face without shame...

I need to find you...whatever it is you are...
the one thing no one and nothing can ever take away from me...
something i crafted with my own research, devotion, skill, know-how...

everyone has goals, but ill never reach them if i never find what it is that makes me tick...
I need to find my undying commitment, my passion...

what ever that may be...

-HaS & Hazey

in life there are only animals

truly there are only animals watch...

you can slither like a snake(suit n tie) or run with the wolves(shoot n ride)...
stand like the bear(warrior) or charge like the bull(villian)...
ravage with the sharks(intellectual) or die like fools(pigs)...

-Hazey