Tuesday, December 1, 2009

When it's too late

>>>[Sooner than later-Drake]<<<

Dear, dear you,

They say hind sight is twenty twenty. I hate that cuz in real life I'm blind without my contacts or glasses. I missed the girl of my heart, the love I had for her, and though I can see it now and am too late to see it I miss the love she gave me and had for me. It's hard to forgive myself when I think about how much I showed her she wasn't worthy. How many times I showed her I didn't see how much she loved me. How much she really cared. It quietly kills me.

This woman would see me despite the constant threat of being disowned by her family, despite her friends disapproval, despite her knowing it would never last. She helped me eventhough I acted like an immature bastard if I didn't get my way.

All the while still greeting me with a smile and a kiss and hug full of love. She couldn't promise me a life with her, she couldn't promise me her heart, she couldn't even promise me another day of her love.

What really kills me is what I would say to her. The bullshit I let fly out of my mouth and the things i would indirectly accuse her of doing. She may never show it but I hurt her the worst way possible in my mind, she turned her back on everything for an ungrateful asshole like me who did nothing but accuse her wanting someone else. I mean seriously people I would accuse her wanting her ex when the truth of the matter was she may miss being in love with him, he was her first love who doesn't?

I feared her love for him so much that I let it drive her further away from me. I let my insecurities from past relationships steer my motives and my love for her. She couldn't love anyone really, not because she didn't want to or because she's a heartless bitch, NO! According to her up bringing her heart wasn't hers to give away. Yet she loved me anyway. Everyman says," He loves a woman and all that" but they don't realize, well I didn't realize the blessing that I had until today. How much I had strayed from the man I am, how much I lost focus of her and loving her that I lost her to my fear.

Nothing like realizing this too late. She doesn't know that everything she's ever said to me, done for me, given me, how much I still appreciate and learn from it still. You know I had a girl tell me that what I felt for my ex couldn't have been that strong. I looked her in the eye and said have you ever been in love? She said no. I looked at her and said then shut the fuck up lol.

I remember a close friend of mine is a mother now. She said do you miss her? I said can you tell? She said we all can see it in your eyes.

She didn't have to be there, she did to have to see me, she didn't have to call me, she didn't have to do anything....she did anyway...she did it because she wanted to...even though she works a full time job and is a full time student who doesn't get much sleep, or free time for that matter...

Seriously people watch what you do and say to people,
Don't end up sorry like I am right now.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Lol what good intentions did I have with her? I lost sight of them half way in...

This song at the top, I remember riding to her job and hearing this song all the time. Always thinking I hope she never says these words to me, what's fucked up is I'm saying them...

I remember always thinking I'm in competition with her ex. Always thinking is anything I'm doing brand new or does it all just remind you of him? When you look at me are you happy with what you see or do you wish I were him? I remember literally killing her happiness sometimes, that used to kill me...anyway, as you can see I have some work to do on myself and one day forgiving myself for the decisions I made and my actions....

Take these words for what they're worth...

Siempre y nunca,

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