relapse

I cant do this to myself
I cant do this to my family
I cant do this to my God
I cant do this to my friends

I'm relapsing...

1 year wasnt enough to permenantly change me.
I am becoming weak, needy, emotional
I've lost my voice again
I can't hear God here
WHY!?

I have to change
I must change
I will change

I want to be the change the world needs
I want to bring change to this world
and being insecure, emotional, pouty, and weak is unattractive...

So this morning i am going to go back to who I was before i left NEW YORK

i left a man and I never want to go back to being a boy. I saw a boy in the mirror today...i saw it...I refuse to go back...

-Haze

Don't judge me

This song has been plucking the strings in my soul for a month now.

I could never really understand why, but I do now.

it applies to US.

• i have heard you will sleep with anyone
• i have heard you aren't really in to me like that
• i have heard you have done this with alot of guys where you are just going along with whatever we say because you don't know how to say you arent interested anymore
• i have heard you are dangerously unpredictable
• i have heard you are a cheater
• i have heard that kissing and holding hands is nothing to you, you can do it with anybody

i have heard so much about you....and I see everything you are capable of...
AND NOTHING I HAVE HEARD HAS CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT YOU!

I'm not sure if I am stupid, blinded, naive, foolish, or what.

But none of that matters to me...

• Does it make my eyebrow raise? YES!
• Does it make me question what I am doing? YES!
• Does my judgement come into question with you? HELL YES!

I shouldn't even be thinking about someone like you by societies standards.

BUT I CAN NOT JUDGE YOU! I CAN NOT. I have gotten to know you and I have seen that God has put you through alot, alot more than many others. the path that he has lead you down is not entirely your fault. You made decisions praying and hoping for the best. I can not say that you did anything in your past that is talked about with malice in your heart. 

I learned something tho, about myself, I am a person who gives second chances. My job was about changing lives, and let me be clear I am not trying to change you, I am trying to be the change in your life. I want to be that new difference that changes what people say about you.

I can see it in your eyes, in your voice that I am NOT WHAT YOU are used to. You are used to being used, being the facilitator, the man in the relationship, the controller of the relationship. I want to be that change.

I am not perfect, but I might be what you need because I believe that you are someone I need to experience...

-Haze

Haze

Guess what?
Deez nutz!

Its time I just admitted it to myself, I'm just a big ass kid at heart. Aren't we all? I'd much rather be a goof than a stiff...TAHA

I mean seriously youth is a state of mind and my generation is growing up too fast. We try to be older than we are and then shun those who we deem to be too serious or worse not serious enough. 

My life is funny, not perfect, its a constant contradiction and I am finally going to embrace that. 

Everyone is rushing to be married, or have kids, or find a career. i understand my future is important but dammit when I'm having fun is when I am the happiest and that is what is important.

I mean lets face it we rush into so many things and everything in this world is now! NOW, NOW, NOW!

Always trying to control our destiny and determine our fate by units of measure be in it years or dollars and cents. Be it in wedded relationships or the size of your apartment! I am DONE! I liked what I was doing in NY. Na, I loved what I was doing in NY!

Touching lives, Changing lives, trying to make a difference in the next persons life one person at a time and that is the way it should be.

It took me a year to realize that the path to my success would never be found in a university dorm room. i have never been a cookie cutter person. i have never been a person that follows the beat of the drum. I have always been an Individual! 

This time away from NY has done wonders for my spirit, it was needed!

When I am 56 years old I still want laugh lines! I want to be the old man that people get offended by because I will say anything! I want to keep my sense of humor and better yet make it even better! :P Shit, i wanna be me! not Hassan from accounting, Not Mr. Omar the CEO of some major corporation that has numerous enemies. I want to be Haze! you know the man I am today. The man GOD intended for me to be. 

Kay!?

       Kay?!

              Kay!!

       Kay??

Kay??

-Haze

damn...

I wanna say I love your attention

affection

gives me motivation

less tension more direction

The way I feel is so much more

but truthfully I see the bad news in store

visualize the lies I see thru em

but my heart has desires and I reach to em

Lord teach em...

teach me! please these dreams of what I need is guiding my every step

and heart break after heart break dispare is all thats left in their wake

and hate to say it but is following my heart this time a mistake?

shes there for me, she cares for me, how can you say its all fake?

what I hear and what I see is an illusion once again

my teams still losing?

Damn even my son says its true

I have to listen even though I know I don't wanna cut you loose

damn once again I'm letting every else talk for you

so tomorrow this is exactly what imma do

call you up and set the record straight

tell to calm down I need to know that her affection isn't fake

my hearts not a trampoline its not easy to bounce back

but if they tell me I can do better than I guess I have to take heed of that...

-Haze

right/wrong

You are always right...

and I am always wrong...

I always give the benefit of the doubt

and always end up hearing the same ole song

Just when I thought things were going to work out

here you come with a bad mouth, strong

I hate when you are right

I hate even more when I am so very wrong...

-Haze