Thursday, November 1, 2012

My Return

I hate Georgia!

I fucking hate this fucking place. I missed it so much and to return to it after 15 months hurts. It cuts so deep that I can't sleep! 

My mother is sick, my father is blissfully ignorant, my brother is EXACTLY LIKE ME. My debt clock is running like the country's. i have stress just like the rest of the fucking country.

I MISS NEW YORK. I miss Donna, I miss Sabrina, I miss Kareem, I miss my job, I miss my room in Tim's house, I miss putting money in my mother's account to help ease her mind. I miss the look of excitement that those damn kids had in their eyes about life, about just hanging out with me and Sabrina at work. I miss the fucking GYM. I miss complaining about my job! I miss the leaves. I miss the complete strangers. I miss the vast unexplored places that I had yet to step foot on. I miss being on my own and standing on my own two feet. I miss people seeing me and getting excited to see me. I miss having money. 

In short I am lacking what was. 

My mother has fallen ill and if anybody understands that she needs me its me. My brother might be lying to me and have joined a gang with my stupid cousin. 

All I want is for shit to go back to normal. I want my mother to get to 100% asap! I want my brother to get his head out of his fucking ass and stop fighting with every kid that opens his mouth towards him. I want my father to wake up. I want my best friend to open her fucking eyes! I want Kareem to realize that self destruction hurts the people around him just as much. I want Donna all to myself again!

Its so difficult to be present and effective where I am, when my heart and mind are in 2 completely different places than my body.

I have seen some amazing things in the past year and I am sure that the next year will be far more amazing than the last but right now, I feel so far from God's presence that it scares me. I fear, I question, I doubt, my faith is shaken right now. 

Since I have been back I have made only 1 of the same mistakes out of the numerous mistakes of the past but I think this mistake is for the best. I kissed her, I showed her that I care, that i will give her some of my time. I pray that she doesn't fall in love. I refuse to give my heart away. Danielle had it and never claimed it, Donna holds it and puts it back but keeps coming back to write her name on it again. 

I hate georgia....I miss New York...


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