1 year later

I have been away for a while. Let me apologize right now.

Would it be conceited to say i have been away doing the will of God? In the past year I have built and grown so much that I can not fully describe to you what I have gone through.

I can however say,

I have learned that there is no such thing as coincidences. That thinking can be just as dangerous as doing. That doubt can cripple a man to a chair. No amount of material items or interpersonal fame will ever satisfy. The desires of the flesh are insatiable. Sometimes having no plan is just fine. Most importantly God is ALWAYS there.

In a few months I plan to move to Chicago temporarily.

I havent written poetically in a long time...
I believe the reason is because I have no reason, no emotion, no pain, no joy, no sorrow, no happiness, no love to express in any form.

In the past year I have fallen in love, I have dated , I have been baptized, I have made changes to my life and taken risks. I have impacted lives in a ways I could never foresee.

I wish I had more to say but I don't for now...

take care,

When God shows up, build an ALTAR.....
-Hazey

primal

When I look at you I have this inner drive to act
but my doubts hold me back
from showing you my true passion
and all that my lifes lacking
is you

This raw power and force
makes me as stubborn as a horse
she straddle me in my dreams
but truth lies to it seems
im craving it too

This primal urge to make love
is frowned on from above
but my dreams I can't control
and I just want to let you know
but you aren't blind

you can choose to ignore it
or shake it off as unimportant
but even this can bug you
just say whats on your heart
so I won't have to hide my lonely spark

in these last few days I've been trying to think less
but when I see you my heart falls out my chest
at first with excite to run and embrace you
but the doubt makes it stop short of the truth
this isn't lust...

this is primal...


-Hazey

I think I fell

whoops...

/-:

now if you  know me, you know I need control. My job is about control, but I can not control what my heart feels. Now I am not saying I am a control freak and need to control everything!? Cuz quite frankly I don't want nor need to control everything, tho it would be nice some times. But I do however feel as though I should have some control over myself, meaning most importantly my heart, my mind, and my body. However, I think I fucked around and fell in love...I feel so fucking stupid, so fucking blind, and so naive to have let myself fall again. She hasn't done anything to make me fall in love. She hasn't even been intimate with me, she's never kissed me, she's never mentioned having any romantic feelings for me at all. SO WHY THE FUCK AM I IN LOVE? She's been gone for a little while and has been on my mind the entire time. All I want to do is call her, text her, ask her how she is doing. She calls me and I smile, I try to hide it but I usually fail. I just had a flash back of looking her in the eyes.

I am so pissed off I fell in love (-__-) this isn't good. She loves me the best way that she can, but she isn't in love with me. She has told me she finds me attractive but doesn't have any romantic feelings for me like that. WHY AM I IN LOVE?
Patrice O'Neal put it best this is a man in love --->  /-:

aside from the immense amount of anguish I feel for this woman I also miss her dearly. She is content with where she is, she is happy with her life right now, she feels she has everything she could ever want right now, and honestly I do not even remotely feel the same way. So what am I to do...

I don't want to be in love...

but damn it I am...and shes amazing...

-Haze

Open

Honestly you've got me open
To the thoughts of you and me
And all that we could ever be
I'm open to the idea
Waking up and you're here
Of holding you when you're near
And kissing you out of fear
Releasing all of my doubts
Throwing away my cares
Starting a life with you seems fair
I'm open to the notion
I'm so open to feel your motion
In my eyes you can see all the facts
But my hearts open so don't you go holding back
-Hazey

its been about 2 months

 It been about 2 months, HAPPY NEW YEAR! MERRY CHIRSTMAS!
Christmas was awesome I was able to give so much this year and didn't expect anything in return which felt good. The new year was spent with a few friends drinking to our recent troubles..I went home for 9 days and it felt like I didn't belong in my own home. I had nightmares every night in my own house, in my own bed. When for the past 6 months Ive had 2 bad dreams sleeping in a bunk house barn.

yesterday I had my coworker read my blog considering I forgot that I had some posts on here about her..talk about embarrassing...hopefully our relationship doesn't become awkward...

we went to church a few days ago and ever since then my BIPOLAR II disorder has been staring me in the face...

the depressing thoughts I have just make matters worse and all I can think about much of terrible bastard i am..I mean how am I ever going to keep someone happy if my emotions are always up and down? how..no why?! would anyone put up with me...this moodiness...
this rolleroaster of emotions from one minute to the next is terrible...but i refuse to take lamictal to deal with this..

you know what I find hilarious?
the woman who loves business, the same one i cant stop thinking about, has similarities that remind me of my father...in a good way...

i sit here alone in the administration building...
a million things are on my mind
school, work, my recent trip home, moving off the ranch, the boys here, GOD, the consequences of my actions, my lack of faith in God when it comes to my love life, my immense loneliness at times, the relief that I have brought to so many people around here at the ranch, the hearts I broken and the ties that I have severed, the people I have left in the dark and those who left me at the curb, the moments where everything made sense and where my heart fits...

just once I would like to be able to hold someone and feel at home...and know its just for me...
yes there are women out there who want to be with me...yes if i am so unhappy I should just go find my happiness but none of those women make me feel at home and honestly I don't know where to begin to look...for the past 3 going on 4 years I have been focusing on making me happy to find out I cant...

the only way I can be happy is my giving, and working towards putting a smile on someone elses face...maybe thats why I am here...

I just hate to know that some people have that one special person to turn to when they need a real moment of comfort and sometimes I feel like I don't...

that sounds so selfish because I can call people, my phone works, my best friend cares...but I need more than that...and I don't know what its called but when I find it...boy when I find it, I hope I have enough strength to let it go...
-Haze