Showing posts with label gathering my thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gathering my thoughts. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

when i need a reminder

this post was actually going to be a long drawn out compliant about my life and it s frustrations but instead im going curve this muthafucka and take a look at the people, the moments, and the opportunities being handed to me by God


  • I have gained 5 of the best friends I'll probably ever have as an adult
  • I have gained a sense of self
  • I have gained a standing point for who I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
  • I have gained a stronger bound with my mother and even stronger bound with my brother
  • I have become closer to my friends than I ever have before
  • I understand my own thought patterns
  • no kids
  • no criminal record
  • a job(which i will soon be quitting :])
  • good health
  • good looks(i have an ego too you know)
  • and EVERY MOMENT  IN MY LIFE that has improved my life thus far(travel, education, certain people)
  • I have gained a car that I will most likely have until i am much older
  • I have gained the chance to break new grounds on who i am as a person in another state
  • I have gained a much broader picture of what it takes to really be successful in life
  • I have learned so much about myself since graduation that this move to NY on the 9th of August(bought my ticket saturday the 9th of July)


though I may feel as though i am failing at it now, i know with God my path is only bound to be an enlightening one...

In this life I have been asking for too little which is why I am always disappointed in the outcome of things, I learned to ask for more than what you want, because that way you are more likely to get exactly what you want...

i have much to complain about, but in the bigger picture of things its small...very small compared to literally anyone... I could complain about my job, my pay, my lack of the ability to save a dime, my excessive drinking and smoking, my paranoia with moving, my guilt when it comes to my mom and bro, etc!


But tonight I'm just going to say Thank You! and remember the list up there
-Hazey

Monday, November 1, 2010

commitments and passion...

you know im a typical mothafucka!!

Its getting close to the wire and honestly, i think im catching cold feet...
I have commitment issues you know...i know nothings ever certain...and nothing lasts forever...
but would it kill you to give me something that lasts forever...
I have all these decisions to make that honestly arent helping me accomplish anything yet...i want to be something but I can't find anything...

New York... my best friend...

Florida... my best friend and a career involved with music...

Chicago... living in the Windy

Here... Life as it is...

i still have no idea where i should be in life... im deathly afraid of moving to florida and becoming nothing...following a dream that i even question...im an artist i know this...I fear doing music and no one liking it...no one feeling what im saying... I havent been at this music thing my entire life...more like off and on...

my problem is ive never devoted myself to anything...ever...thats why its so hard for me to go through with this i guess......................damn...my answers just like that...

ive never commited to anything...ever...all iver ever done is get bored and move on...from people....situations...passions ive had momentarily...

no wonder somethings always missing...

I have no passion for anything...nothing that makes me feel good just doing...nothing that brings a smile on my face without shame...

I need to find you...whatever it is you are...
the one thing no one and nothing can ever take away from me...
something i crafted with my own research, devotion, skill, know-how...

everyone has goals, but ill never reach them if i never find what it is that makes me tick...
I need to find my undying commitment, my passion...

what ever that may be...

-HaS & Hazey

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Southern Breeze

This is a response to a challenge that I stumbled upon during my lostness after a night of confusion and a weekend of fun with pockets of anger in the midst of such...

 I live in the South, Atlanta to be correct...

Probably the Souths epicenter if you ask me...

Racism...let me rephrase that...Ignorance is still alive...Atlanta is changing slowly but surely...While watching the video she posted I nearly cried...Not because of the injustice of what was happening but because that hurt my soul to know that things like that happened, and could have happened to me or a relative of mine...My grandfather(RIP) whom marched in the civil rights marches in Albany, Ga. comes to mind...I'm emotional and I hate it because people say I think too much but the real truth is I FEEL too much...My emotions get the best of me and seeing this, experiencing racism first hand and knowing that ignorance has no conscience...

when a person or group of people act against another where racism is playing a role in whatever the situation may be...why is it that there is no guilt? shame? notion to stop what you are doing because as children of God, we are all specifically told "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...racism, bigotry, ignorance of any level literally breaks my heart,

I watched the movie Robin Hood the most recent film created, and Robin is asked by King Lionheart what do you think of my crusade? He responds saying "...when we were ordered to bring our swords down upon women and children, I looked in this womans eyes. I did not see fear, hatred, but Pity. That once that order was cast we all became godless." or something like that lol....i think you get my point...

none of this makes any sense and if God decides to turn his watchful eyes away in 2012...with the way the world is and has been I could not be upset...

-Hazey

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Dreaming

Dreaming

I've washed these sheets a thousands times, yet every night I still smell you. I go out and have a great time, yet I still see you. In banners and windows, cartoons and tattoos. Everywhere I look I see some sign of you. At first it hurt and made it hard to move on. That hurt to turned to a pain of heartache that weighed on my brain. Whilst you live the life you want to live, my mind remains trapped here with what was. Every time I think I've broken free your memory simply reminds me. That I'm not done healing and that I still have much work to do. It's almost as if everyday I fight to piece me back together and escape this image. Yet every night I go to sleep and I quickly remember everything I tried so hard to forget. My dreams are of you, as creepy as that may seem now going on 6 months. Within my mind or at least in my heart you never left. Maybe this is why my dreams aren't sad or angry or confusing. No, not at all, all they are, are movies of me and you.

So tonight girl, it's only you and me....



-Hazey 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

What do I say?

Today I read a message in my inbox on facebook. Now I'm not hurting, crying, sad, upset, distraught or anything of that nature. Not even so much as heart broken. Although the words do seem to bother me a little. She said to me:


I have no fuckin clue what your talkin about. I have not felt the say about you way befor he died that was just the last thing i could take. I hate to tell you this but i dont think that i every loved you. I was happy with you but i was no in love. ****** never left the picture hassan never once. There were just a months that ****** did not get to call me. I will always love ****** and i will always be with ******. Im engaged hassan, I never felt heartbreak with you hassan, i wanted to love you like you loved me then but i knew i coldnt so i became even more angery with you. I dont know what you wanted out off this but im sorry to make it clear. i never loved you.
Two things:

-they can not make a clear sentence.

-horrid spelling i mean seriously computers have spell check

On to my point, I will make it clear not once did I say I wanted this person or to be with this person, nor did I say I wanted this person back. They are trying to make it seem like I want them, I DO NOT! But seriously how do you just say that to someone?

and WHAT THE FUCK was I say back to them???

_________

On to my next thought, it kind of makes me wonder if anybody else ever felt or feels this way? Not particularly towards me but towards anybody? If so why on earth would you say the final words, "I never loved you."?


I don't know fuck it...case closed

-Hazey

Saturday, October 31, 2009

damn...


I gotta say this image makes a man think...post secret is awesome...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A movie, a book, a question

Investigating Sex is probably one of the most intellicual movies I've ever watched. It's so very intriguing. Almost equally intellicually attractive as it is funny. It to me literally does show how men viewed sex in 1929. Yet at the same time showing a window into why men think the way the do now about women, orgasms, and of course making love. To be honest I want to read the book although in French I feel as though it would actually be a great read.

In a portion of this movies depiction of the books view begins to ask about love and how it effects sex. The two women in the movie are kind of funny. It also touches on the traditions and culture of America at the end of the 1920s. When I say the cultures and traditions of America in the 1920s I mean the Protestant Christian traditions and values that were common. 

In a scene containing Zoey and her nameless lovestriken and insecure lover. He makes a statement, "Love! Is when a man and a woman want to settle down, have children, and grow old together. When they make love they do such in as Adam and Eve did it!" It raised a very serious question to me. Why is love depicted as such a, very unemotional yet such a romantic emotional and phyiscal attachment? I just don't understand it.  Somewhere in time love and sex became intertwined. I would like to know why love and sex were cast together. Why is it that we see sex as such a necessary yet dispicable and sinful deed. It is seen as beautiful yet at the very same time so very distasteful. I just don't understand that. The novel inspired movie does however raise a few points. Why is it that once we have begun sexual activity, as men, that we can not stop?

On a side note, I will say that Freud can not and should not be the last person to have theories about sex. 

Watch the movie for yourself

Investigating Sex 

Now for my inquiry to the world. So many people today and in times past have spent so much time and energy into finding that perfect one. I will say yes I have been in love. My question is why? Why is it that so many people spend so much time and energy into finding that perfect one. The funny part is that many people have this preconcieved image of what their ideal partner looks like. The thing that is really intriguing is that the mass majority of peoples true mate may  not even fit that image in any way shape or form. But isn't love supposed to be blind? If so, why do we have these preconcieved images? Or better yet, why do we subconsciously seek these people out?

Love is supposed to be the tool used to determine wether or not sex should ever be considered, correct? That it is what I've come to deduce, now with that said. Shouldn't we as humans stop looking for these preconcieved images and actually consider that the mate for us may not and probably will never fit that image?

Just a few questions until next time...
-Hazey  

Friday, September 25, 2009

worse?

I don't know what's worse.
The fact that you realize that you are still not over a person?

The fact that you catch yourself hoping to hear from them?

Or the fact that you know your hopes are pointless?

Seriously, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to desire your presence. I don't want to think about you as much anymore. I don't want to miss you as much anymore. I don't want you to have had such a hold on my heart like you do. I don't want to hope to hear from you. I don't want to desire your love and affection anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to, want to be apart of your life anymore. I don't want this or to want you or us anymore. I'm sick of missing you...

but lately and sadly I just can't seem to stop.........

I want to go back but I knew then and I still know now I have to let this and you go. You are NEVER EVER coming back. You made me so very happy and to be honest with myself I'm not sure if I can be that happy again. NO, I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone like I loved you. You couldn't...do some of the things I did and some of the things I couldn't do either. But to be honest I don't want to live my life looking back over my shoulder every know and then to see if you're there. Especially when I know that you can NOT ever truly be there the way I wish and want you to be. I have so much going on right now from my parents divorce and my mothers safety, my brothers mental, my fathers well being ;to my the confusion my family has. but the one thing I wish I had right now was you. You made the room stop spinning my piece of chilly ice that held my reptilian ass to the ground in a sea of confusion and deception you were my piece of ice, see through with no deception, no smoke and mirrors, no lies, no not you. You were and still are the best but not permanent and sometimes I believe my heart won't let you go because I truly believed in my heart that I had found the woman of my dreams, the woman to whom I could hang on to because you and I worked so well together and the fact that when I speak of you to this VERY day I will NEVER EVER say a negative thing about you. Also the fact that I wanted to buy you one of these. And because I wanted that for you, for us, I just can't believe its done and over with. Maybe I just still haven't dealt with my feelings for you I have no IDEA! BUT The one thing I want at this very second is to let go of hope that one day we'll cross paths again, that or hear your voice again [,_,]...but even the foolish dream just like the hopeful.....


I don't know maybe someone else out there can read this and make sense of my feelings....

-Hazey
>>>[Little Bit- Drake ft. Lykke Li]<<<

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Can I?

Can I? Can we? Heal?
The truth of the matter is I'm not sure if that is real
Can time fully heal those wounds?
Can you undo what you did too soon?
Can I truly fix you like new?
I have no answers for you or me
Just a little hope that you and I can, heal
trust and believe what I say is real
and that its not something I can go through again
The sleepless nights, the hunger strikes, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain
shedding no true light all of the pain
you and I both know it well
The dark rooms, the lightening, the terrible feeling of hell
as though it swept cross us and tore us in half
yes that feeling that feeling is the one I can not have
no, not again, so please be true, be honest, be real
don't lie to me, can you really do that, can we really heal?

-Hazey


_____________________*_______________________________________

A response by Dauri

Yes love.
We've been hurt one by the other
we let the love we had for each other go
even though we both know or knew the pain it would cause
the blood it would draw
the tears that would fall
but u were there to catch every one
and I was warming your heart like the sun
I think if we rekindle what we once had
the love that often made us sad
but mostly made us glad
if you would look into my eyes
and see the passion that never died
my heart can finally sigh
a breath that's been waiting to go free
finally
we're back to you and me

Monday, May 25, 2009

RE:Remembering full version

Remembering
The article

-HaS
*
I am a military Brat as people will call it. My family is made up mostly servicemen or former servicemen. My uncles, my cousins, my great uncles and there nieces and nephews. All the way down to my very own parents. You can still see the service with in them today. It changes a person. Disciplines them even. My own parents however do not want me to enter the armed forced in any fashion whatsoever. Now they never said I couldn't. They just feel its not a necessary route for me to undertake. I understand that. The amount of service and dedication you have to put into being in the armed forces puts a strain on your family and in times like these its best to avoid anymore strain. I have an inner and utmost respect for men and women within the military. Not trying to say anything by this next statement but many of you know it to be true. When people say they have a respect for them often times its is a tad cliche, often people respect them for the simple fact that they themselves couldn't push themselves to do it. My respect however comes from experience I should say. Many people don't know what it's like to watch one of your parents in a uniform and rifle headed off to another country for months on end. Many people don't know the mental strain it places on couples and their families not just immediate but the entire family. I on th other hand am able to keep things at the front of my mind without it hurting too much as others tend to push it to the back in hopes things work out for the best. I guess I can do that because well I had to. My father,yes the man I love but have a horrible relationship with, served in Korea and in the Gulf war the first one.
I have a few pictures of him and all its kinda funny, I can see why he says I remind him of him {lol}...the truth of the matter is I have never really said this but there are a few times very fair and wide they maybe that I have a really high respect and pride in what and where my father has gone in his life. Those moments are rare and I try my hardest to hang on to them. Thats what this post is about.
me and my father

My father and his brothers

*

I do agree with you. The sad part my own family which has mostly military men and women involved look at it as just a way to kick off the summer. At the current moment my uncle is serving his 6th or 7th tour overseas going back and forth from IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. My father served in the first gulf war my great uncles served in WWII and another one of my uncles served in Kuwait at the start of the war. My mother being of also a military background acts the way the rest of the nation does even though the war itself effects directly more than most.

So in agreement, Yes today is a day of remembrance....

Friday, April 17, 2009

Acts :1

think, breathe, or act alone
let you talk stupid or let you stand on ya own
Its kinda funny how I let my loved ones get the best of me
to let em know I care I neglect them heavily
try to keep them at bay
try to push them away
hoping they never feel the pain
and never let them see the smile leave me face
if I let em know I care it jeopardizes me my place
and I regret saying so but things come tumbling down
and yet I never give in, I show no emotion but sometimes you can see my frown.
a bad boy in on my face, a G in my mind and lover in my soul
hopefully someday somebody will see my fucking halo

the one and only for me she seems to know different
somehow she can see what's going to happen from the present
I guess she saw me coming and knew what would happen
I guess she saw this running and didn't I'm clapping
applauding her performance and cheering her on
I'm pretty sure she knew I was to be the best she had ever loved on
and now that loves gone I guess she saw it too
Maybe its just me or its this fuckin' room
My mind is spinning I see something in my view
Its definitely got me confused
Its like I see what's inside me and its in you
We both try to see what's coming and we both lose
I did the same thing and was proved wrong by whom
maybe if you gave it try you'd see it to be true

We all try our best to make those around us proud
but instead looking inside selves we look around
but the fucked up part about it is if we stay true to who we
are those we care about will always be proud....

Monday, April 13, 2009

tale of the fisherman

Ladies and Gentlemen I now present to you the extent of H.a.S.'s free and unlimited mind
please feel free to laugh, cry, question, doubt, argue any thing you want with me after reading the entire entry.
I now present:


The Fisherman's Tale

It's 6:29 am on Sunday, September 29th 2013 and I am pulling my small but roomy boat into the lake. Its time to catch myself some dinner. I have been craving myself some fish for about a good week now. Understand that I am an older gentleman, 53, to be exact. I have been fishing in this same lake since I was sixteen. I see life to be so much like fishing sometimes its not funny. Life is calm and peaceful if you make it that way. You can make it fierce and violent if you so choose. Although for the most part life is but a fishing trip. When the trip is over either you have something to show for the fruits of your labor or, well, you don't. I will say that there is one part of life that is so much like fishing that its not funny. You may or may not agree with me but through all my years I have come to a conclusion about the most important aspect to our existence. Love is what I'm talking about. It's a confusing little number in everyone's life that no one really knows how to navigate. It seems like an impossible river for some to even fathom to cross and to others its not so bad, tough, but nothing too extreme. Now I say love is like one aspect of fishing for many reasons.
{line of my fishing rod snags and begins to reel away}
And this my friend is the reason I compare Love to fishing. At that split second in time was literally what really defines Love to me. When your fishing line begins to reel out. I bet you are asking yourself what in the world is this old man getting at and why will he not get to the point?! Well here it goes. I as the fisherman have only two options when that line snags much like in love. When that line tugs, I can either "A" let the line reel until the fish snaps the line or "B" fight to reel that fish in. When I decide to make a choice I have two more options and two consequences to deal with. Those two options are as follows. If you let the fish go then you don't lose anything but line and a hook. If you decide to fight this feisty Lil' fish, you then have to realize that you can lose this fish by fighting too much and not fighting enough.

But there is one thing I would like you to keep in mind while all this is happening. That fish for whatever reason became attracted to your lure and hook, once hooked you begin to hurt them.

Now, naturally you're hungry so you are going to fight back! So you are fighting this hurt Lil fishy and they are fighting for their lives and after a while that fish either has enough strength to swim away or get reeled in. Now lets assume you reel your Lil fishy in, okay? You have two options. Eat the fish or let the fish go. Now why on earth would you let the fish go right? That's for you to determine. Now let me get down to the nitty-gritty of what all this means. Your fishing line is your attractiveness to lure the opposite sex. The hook is love. Now if you are following this you should have already caught on so don't spoil it for me I like telling my explanation. Now once this fish/person is hooked it hurts like hell. You have them in ways they never saw imaginable regardless of their own independent emotions love HURTS! It's not a painless game. Your fishy then has to decide on whether or not it wants to allow the hook to reel them in what ever direction or fight to get away. Much like many people out there these days, the minute they get close they run for the freaking hills. Now if the fish fights the fish could snap the line which is what attracted them to you in the first place and get away or they could be reeled in. Being reeled in is literally a chances game. I, as a fisherman, may wanna toss them back and find another. The fish literally has no choice once its given in. The poor Lil thing is tired and in a lot of pain. Now lets go back to our earlier comparison. If you as a person become attracted to a person then get hooked with love the reason you hurt is because you are vulnerable. The fish feels the same way. The fish's fight or its life is you fighting not to be so vulnerable. Your fishing line is what attracted them to you in the first place, so if it snaps then obviously the person no longer finds you attractive. But my true question is in the split second when the line tugs and the fish realizes it's hooked when and where does the fisherman's state of mind and the fish's state of mind become tied and the efforts of one is the same goal as the others? Where in that split second do we has lovers decide to fight to love a person and decide to just let them go? Where in that extremely tiny lapse of time do we as the hooked fish to give in? The fish has options too you know. Now with all that said if the fish doesn't snap the line and the fisherman decides to reel in the fish the two are then working in unison for a common goal to reach a certain destination. When the two arrive at their destination is when all the pain and damage done to one another is realized. Sadly someone must get hurt. How so? Well either the fisherman eats or starves, or the fish lives or dies. No where in the equation does the fisherman keep the fish for a pet(except when you are working at an aquarium). Love is like fishing my friend, it hurts, its tough, its a desicion that could change your life for ever, literally! But mostly it has to happen, unless you are a hunter but I don't believe in hunting with a gun...bows and arrows are my fortay. Yes I'm half Native American.
Anyway its now 12:00 pm and its getting hot, time to change the bait. I love that saying there's plenty of fish in the sea problem is you don't hook every fish in the sea ;)

Friday, March 20, 2009

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

retracing my foot steps

As I was ironing my clothes for church on sunday
a thought crossed my mind. Why didn't she notice all of my changes?
I remember the last time we argued about him. The day she walked away from me,
I told her and I looked her in the eye and I said I am changing, I didn't assume, I paused.
but you never gave me chance to ask why are they in there. You just assumed. Now I am looking back and noticing I was changing all along. I was trying and I was changing. Slowly but I was. nothing is overnight.I mean in between the time we argued and I promised to change my grandfather died. I was grieving for over a week. She gave me all of maybe two-three weeks, to completely change and honestly I have. I don't assume anything anymore, I don't dig anymore, I don't get mad when she speaks to him or even about him. To be honest I wonder if she remembers what happened on last wednesday. I don't remember me breaking my promise to her. That argument was started over me feeling forgotten and her not recognizing that it hurt. She barely kissed me, she didn't walk with me, she barely looked at me, she was so wrapped up in herself and her own problems to even notice I was hurting. When I reacted to things the way I did she took it as I don't trust her, that I'm assuming things, that I'm still digging and that I don't understand. The problem I was having was(now that I can put it into words) was that I had just gotten back from burying my grandfather, I was still weak, on the saturday and monday i got back I remember being all over her cuz I was vulberable and weak. I couldnt even make love to her cuz i was still weak, on tuesday she just str8 up forgot about me, didn't say anything to me. I understand that she didn't want to take it out on me but its unfair to say I didn't change. I was hurting. She says it wasn't that she forgot me it was that it was a very hard day for her. I understand that but she failed to just see I was hurting. In this whole ordeal I have been apologizing and apologizing but the thing is I kept my promise. I actually did. When I looked in her phone in class that day I looked to see, yes I will admit that I was looking in her text messages but I still did not assume she was going outside of our relationship. I looked in her outbox to see how many times she text people the day before. I know that can be missleading but I feel like she is a little clouded in her head right now, and didn't really ever have time to sort out the chain of events. I kept my promise, I didn't break it. If she disagrees I would love to talk about it.


"I did change for you babe I did. I do trust you and love you. I know you're closed up now but maybe after reading this you can find someway in you to let me gain your trustback. The monday night that you spent with me was the best night of my life and after that day I fell deeper in love with you. I know you're not as in love anymore but maybe you can sort things out in your head after reading this and find it in your heart to see I kept my promise to you."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I wonder

sometimes I wonder if I am just running from the truth
sometimes I wonder if my fears aren't really what's pushing you
sometimes I wonder if I just so fearful of you hurting me that I push you to do it
sometimes I hurt myself with thoughts that make me doubt it
us, and everything inside me
I love her so much
I just opened my eyes
and I will pull this love back together if it kills me

♫♫so can you do me a favor/ if i pull it together/make it sooner than later/ we wont be here forever/ and i realized i waited too long/ but please dont move on/ you dont need no one else/♫♫

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What I had slapped in my face

I talked to you today
you gave me peace of mind
you gave me a reason to relax
you gave me the strength to pull myself together and get a hold of myself
you made me feel like a fool but it was well deserved
you are my best friend in the world and you mean so very much to me
I want to thank you
I've let you down a few times in the past and I tried my best to make up for that
You reminded me of who I am
You reminded me of how I am
You reminded me that I am strong, that I am strong in will
You reminded me that I need not hang my head in shame
You reminded me that I am FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'
You reminded me that we have a similar relationship to what is going on
and if ANYTHING, I should understand her more than anyone
You reminded me of what and how I used to be
a MAN
You reminded me of what I have always been like
and how I have let the rear view mirror steer me in a forward direction
You have never left my side Sabrina,
you broke my heart but you have always been there for me and I appreciate it
When I'm hardest on myself, you're always there to lend a helping hand in the ridicule lol
and for all its worth you will always have a tiny piece of my heart and that will never change
I won't lie I know you and I will always have each others back when times get hard
and that when its all said and done our kids will play together ( lol insider)
sometimes I feel so alone
I feel like I'm wandering
I feel like I'm wasting time
I feel like I'm not important to anyone
I feel like I'm just taking up space
and you remind me that if I die you're going to kill more bitches (lmfao)
Through the years I have seen our relationship go from friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends to lovers to friends
and honestly it makes me smile from deep within
and it makes me understand everything even more so everyday
I can't wait to go out and club with you
and do everything we wanted to do so very long ago
it makes me smile
and I know that's how my woman feels for him
I know its a short lived thing and you remind me that I have nothing to worry about
she'll get past what she's feeling now
You reminded me of all that she has said to me and how it's what I need to believe
because she has done nothing to betray me
You reminded me of how I love and how I AM FAR FROM NEEDY
so yeah I miss you so very much
I can't wait to see you

[Freeze! don't change don't leave don't go, baby just Freeze!]

Sunday, February 22, 2009

90s baby :)

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.

It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.



You're a 90's kid if:

You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs.

AAAAAAAH real monsters.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!

You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."

You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.

You remember when, 2Pac and Selena died.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

You remember when super nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool.

when you were grown up when you turned 7, cuz you could watch are you afraid of the dark because it was tvY7!

You remember those Where's Waldo books..

You remember when Mortal Kombat Was "Da Bomb"!

U remember eating Warheads.(those sour candys)

You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.

U remember Ring Pops.

U remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge.

if you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little paper fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

...Furbies.

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

And Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles.

You had a favorite New Kid on the block, and you knew all of there names

Michael Jordan was a king.

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Growing Pains.

Carebears and The Gummy Bear show.

Gak was the coolest thing invented.

Lambchop's song never ended.

The old dollar bills.

Silver dollars, were cool that have.

You remember a time before the WB.

You collected all the Troll dolls

You owned a portable tape player.

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.


You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.


"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You know the significance of the number 23.

You went to McD's to play in the playplace.


You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.






When we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy...

Before the Internet & text messaging...

Before Sidekicks & iPods...

Before MIKE JONES...

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...

Before Sponge Bob
...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.


When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs .

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

when it was all about N64.



WHEN YOU TRADED POKEMON CARDS FOR A LIVING

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My problem and my apology


I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

RE: Love

Friday, January 30, 2009

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;
In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;
In halls, in gay attire is seen;
In hamlets, dances on the green.
Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,
And men below and saints above;
For love is heaven, and heaven is love.
~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)



For yours is heaven and heaven is yours
Your love is the water that helps the seed
The force beneath my feet and rumble underneath the sea
swaying back and forth I feel its power
amongst the trees never seizing, never stopping, even in the darkest hour
from my feet to my head to my back from my chest
your love flows through me; north to south; east to west
-HaS

20sb

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