I feel its time

I feel its time that I posted something to explain my behavior recently

I am worried and stressing every single day of my life except after  I've had a drink or puff.

money is tight, everything is in limbo, i got questions and problems with no answers to be found so as of now...right now i put it all in God's Hands...

im supposed to be leaving behind so many of my friends down here in Atlanta and moving to New York July 29th<--- to be honest this is the first time I've actually placed a date on my departure...

God Bless

-Hazey

New York, New York

I got my acceptance letter as of Friday...I'm still in shock of everything I'm excited, I'm hype, I'm happy but I can not lie...I am scared...I was accepted by St. Johns University in Queens, New York. Man...blows my mind just thinking about this whole thing. I'm moving to New York. A whole different lifestyle...I'm excited but I'm worried about home...I'm worried about adjusting to a new life...I gotta scholarship to help with tuition...I'm still waiting to hear back from the other school...I finally feel like my life has direction again...its strange knowing where you are headed...like i don't know how to prepare myself or even what to think...

idk...things are still in the air...

Imma keep it in Gods hands and keep my heart there as well...

til next time...

-Hazey

To the forgotten

To whom that may have forgotten

You have moved to another state. Found a new significant other. Basically began a new life with your own family. I ain't mad, shit in all honesty good for you cuz you were doing nothing but holding us back and holding yourself back. Even more. Now you are free to do whatever your heart pleases and be as irresponisble as you want to be.

First I'd like to thank you for teaching me distrust. That was probably the easiest thing for a young boy to learn about the people around him. Simple don't trust any of them and keep them away. So for many years that's all I ever did was keep people away. Second I wanna thank you for teaching me to pass judgement. Probably the third easiest thing for me to learn. Everyone is bad and wants to cause you harm. Pretty easy concept. Third I wanna thank you for teaching me the second easiest thing I've ever learned, that the first two applied to you. Your words are blades and your inheritly a bad person. My own flesh and blood...

Your other son could use some guidance. Your abscense in the crucial years can be the difference between life and death...I love him and I can't do it alone.
-Hazey


Sent from my iPod
Hassan Omar Jr

things I failed to mention

This is a list of things I failed to mention

• Sabrina apologized to me for the damage she did to me years ago
• this was interesting because we don't ever talk about these things. I guess what Chris said made some fucking sense after all. He said to her, "I am not Hassan, I can not love you from a distance." It wasnt until she repeated his words that I understood our relationship for what it was. I love her, she loves me, we love each other regardless of distance. She and I accept one another for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I guess it takes a person from the outside looking in to make some sense of what's happening inside the house of cards itself. 
• I have attained my associates Degree!
• However I have a dilema, if I withdraw from school, I would lose my healthcare coverage and not be able to afford my medication. And not to sound like a dope addict but I need it. I am literally better with it. 
• She likes John Mayer!
• WTF she loves all his music, why do I like the same type of women? Oh well, maybe this one and I can make something happen? Who knows. She told me listen to Why Georgia, gravity, and another song which slips the mind at the moment. She's straight forward which I like because I definitely need a person who gets to the point.
• I am starting to think Diana has a thing for me
• She eats with me and after me, hugs me, kisses me spanish style tho sometimes literally on the cheek, sometimes asks me to stay longer at work with her, grabs my hand sometimes too, she claims to not be touchy feely and not good with emotions but I see through it. She likes me and has my number but shes another cause I cant afford to invest the time into. She is focused on paying her grandmothers rent in mexico. I have no problems with that at all. shit I commend her for it but i can not get tied up with her. I feel like I'd be barking up the wrong tree. Do Not get me wrong Diana has some legs and skin and hair I would destroy given then chance but I just can not invest time into her.
• The pressure of moving is stressful
• this ones self explanatory lol
• I bought a webcam so if you wanna chat hit me up
• Hazey2890 on skype

til later

-Hazey

New Thoughts

Now that I am fully aware, I have new questions about going forward. I mean I knew I had issues before: deep trusting issues, constant reassurance, and some other odd ends. But now that I am fully aware of this*clears throat* disorder, what changes? How do I tell women this? I mean would any relationship ever work if I have this disorder? Can I continue to be successful if I can manage to get this under control? I'm confused about what happens now...

Now that I look back at things, the fights with loved ones, I can see that things weren't as they appeared in my eyes. All I can say now is, where to next? Can I have a relationship and it work? Is it possible? Or is it just going to be the same uphill battle? These thoughts are discouraging but not deal breakers...

Sent from my iPod
-Hazey

I fuckin knew youd do this bullshit

i knew youd fucking do this shit...and right before i get there...
you always do this shit...i wanted to say "to me"...you aint do this shit to me...
you did it to yourself...give yourself a barrier...idk...its time i got over you too...
My trip to New York is about to be the fuckin same as it always has been...
a gotdamn waste...idk wht to do...
all i want is my best friend...yet everytime i see you, it aint you!
its you and...I dont need the AND! I didnt fly 750 miles to meet some nigga...
i dont wanna be with you while you are busy not paying attention cuz your too busy on your phone with them...
this isnt a jealousy thing...its just I'm tired of coming between you and the people you are interested in...
I dont wanna be a third wheel...
you say I aint in the way but you literally just dont get it...
i just want my best friend...but its beginning to look like I need to let this friendship go...
because one day somebody will make that step...
and I'll have to disappear...
no matter how much it hurts me to do so...
I have to let you go...

i guess its true, men and women cant be friends...

i'm not sure what to say at this point...

-Hazey

A post on my recent thoughts

Recent thoughts....help me out I guess

The following are my options of schools to apply to, in order...

Ga State

UCF- Central Florida

St. Johns- Long Island New York

St. Josephs- New York

CW Post- New York

Kennesaw State- Georgia

Dowely- New York

MIA- Florida

FAMU- Florida

Decisions...Decisions...

Its clear to the world I have still not made up my mind on which schools to apply to...I get my associates degree in December and literally I'm in panic mode...

My best friend asked me a question no one has ever truly asked me before. "Where do you want to be?"

What's worse is that I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that I want to travel, a lot. My body is used to it because of my last job. I crave that desire to be on the go. So I believe I've found what I want to be doing with my life, foreign relations/international studies along those lines. So I guess my next step is to find a way to get involved with organizations that do that, right? That way I am getting more experience under my belt.

I think I might know...to be honest its better than saying I DON'T know...

Recently Ive been able to finally see that I love my freedom to do, come and go as I please. I love that I am single. I can say this for the first time in my life confidently, I love it, the switch up of women, but really I love the amount of freedom. Making a decision and only thinking of myself, literally. The moves I can make by myself the dreams of doing as I please for the rest of my life is enough...

I told my boy the other day, any amount of time in a cell is too long...I wanna go far and wide, I wanna go and yet still comeback to the people I cherish in my heart you know. I wish I had a companion to share the memories with but the journey in itself may be enough...

"I’m just riding round the city with my hood on and my windows down

Ask your girl, I’m the realest nigga she been around

When I pull up in something new and park it by the haters,

And when you get to talkin’ bout the greatest

I just really hope that

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

you’d think of me

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

I'm doin my thing

Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable"

My friend suggested I do YWAM...maybe..

Good Night world...

-Hazey

*sigh*

It's 12:20 on a friday morning,

*sigh*

I wont lie this week was a drag really. Tiring beyond belief I was ready to throw in the towel on wednesday. I have no idea how I made it through Thursday but thank God I did. I'm 20 years strong and 20 years lol....well I'm 20 years more informed. I wont say that I am 20 years wiser, to be real with you i still feel like I'm making the same mistakes even though some of my decisions are the best. Over the past few days I've been paying a bit more attention to everything, literally. Heres the run down of my week so you can see what I'm talking about.

Starting with last Friday...

My father was in town. He's a bit calmer. Like 6 years ago calmer, skinner, he even cut his hair low like mine...AWKWARD! I began to trust him a little. He purposely did somethings that made me so very uneasy. I spoke with him at dinner with my brother about everything. He's not to hard to talk with at first...I wanted to send my brother to Chicago and that I got another fucking ticket on my way to my last two finals, luckily I wont lose my license. He also gave us a bullshit answer about him going to Chicago, meaning he wont be going to Chicago to see his cousins and father. I also gave him specific instructions to pick my brother up Saturday at 10:30 while I was still home. I needed to go to work. He told me that he will try because he may not wake up in time....

I have a comment about this but I'll save it for the Sunday conversation...

Saturday

My brother was supposed to be spending the day with my father. He didn't show up like I requested. I was nearly late for work waiting on his ass. I still didn't trust him around my mother, he's lost that privilege. I told my mother to call someone to be here because I have to go. My aunt comes to watch, the same one who called the cops on him. My father shows his ass up purposely, in my mind, when I'm not there thinking my mother was going to be home alone, I'm not mad I didn't really wanna see his ass before work. Turns out he was mad my aunt was there. My brother over heard some dirty laundry of my fathers real reason for coming to GA. All I can say is He's my father I love cuz he's my dad, he isn't perfect.

Sunday

We are supposed to meet this man downtown at this restaurant that we've been to before. He asks us how was church, we simply explain we didn't go and that we were asleep. He shows his former self that I knew was still there. He says why didn't you tell me I would have came and seen you. I said I was asleep and why would I make you come to the house if I'm going to meet you now? He snaps because you are children I haven't seen you both in 8 months.

Here is my interruption of his bullshit


If you care so much about seeing us why didn't you come earlier yesterday to spend more time with your youngest son??? Truth is I couldn't count on him before and I can't count on him now...This endless cycle of bullshit families has to end with me.

Anyway food wasn't great like all the other times before. He asks me and my brother what do we want from him. Not only did we have a confused look on our face we really didn't have an answer when he did explain himself. I tell him you need to lead by example and not piss me off. My brother says I want to be able to talk to you in a conversation without being talked over, where everyone that inputs into the conversation is equal. Educated answer isn't it? lol You know I said the same exact shit when I was his age to my dad, he'll learn that aint about to happen which m father confirmed backhandedly.

He leaves back for Chicago.

Of course my mother and brother and I discuss everything like usual. I can tell my brother loves that from his earlier statement.

Monday

I'm stuck at work an EXTRA DAY! I'm pissed because I hated this damn job two years ago I hate it now.

It was today that me and dre talked about the future and how serious we gotta be about it...

Tuesday

I'm okay I make it through work okay I guess. My week feels off. My best friend tells me about her flight date to ATLANTA! Probably the only exciting day of this week. She's spending 5 days with me. I will touch on this subject in a second.

Wednesday

I'm tired as hell and my aunt is in the hospital. I won't lie she does get sick often but every time is scary. She has kidney failure on dialysis three times a week, and is diabetic. So she's weak all the time, plus she has 4 kids all my cousins. My mothers best friend and her rock in these hard times. Since I was 16 I've wanted to donate my kidney to my aunt. I can't blood type mismatch. My mother however is the correct blood type. All I can think is how much it could hurt if my mother never gives her her kidney and passes...

I left work early out two factors her level of sickness and my extreme exhaustion. I will say my exhaustion was more of a playing factor in my decision to leave, it makes me feel horrible, because I could have easily waited to see her after or even on saturday. We ate at outback that night to kinda bring us back together.

That's one thing I love about the hard times of right now in my house. We are closer, we may go and do our own thing but we are closer because we have space. We spend every Sundays together(usually) and I will miss that the most.

Maybe that's the reason I'm so off this week, no church and no full together family day

Then twisted Thursday

I woke up this morning late again! I'm tired but I truly try to prepare myself for the long day at work repeating myself and being hung up on every 25 seconds for 8 hours STRAIGHT by complete strangers half around the damn country. But today was different somehow. I went to work and I wasn't even on that monotonous study, I guess you could say I gotta break. I ended up sitting there with my usual group of people, the non-high-schoolers. The thing that got me today was I noticed their happiness when most of the non-high-schoolers had gone home from their ended shift. I missed my friends from high school. I mean really the original feeling was I miss having friends period. I spend most of the time alone, it sucks you know. I used to look forward to going places and shit but now I feel all outta place. All I do is work. I try to make plans to go places but they fall through.

A woman I was kinda feeling sat next to me today and honestly I'm over her, minus the fact I haven't heard from her since she got my number. Now I'm on to the next one, quiet one in the corner...lol...my momma always told me to watch out for the quiet ones....lmfao...they are dangerous...

I came home today and looked at my mom and said I miss having friends...She was like huh?..I said I miss having all the friends I used to have, and for some reason I intimidate people or I scare them away. It bothers me to be alone so damn much. She says you're an adult now you will probably only have a hand full of real friends and nine times out of ten you will only have 2 that you can always truly talk to without being judged. She also added this...when you are different, when you don't fit the mold people have set for you for what they see, they label you and most wont even approach you. The person who looks at you and can't put a pin on you isn't a bad thing. Some are intimidated by it or they like it enough to approach you to find out who you truly are. Not pinning a label on you just means they have to get to know you  to figure out who you are, you aren't shallow. Men do it all the time when picking up women.

can't lie dukes made me think...

Today ladies and gentlemen is Friday

I don't know what to say at this point I've felt off since Sunday really, I need something and I don't think its here in Ga. My life has a calling and everyday I'm stressed that I won't ever get the chance to leave and pursue my goals, no matter how hard I work...

The posts behind this one are my hidden posts.. from the week. Some wont be posted tho sorry just too personal...

Anyway this past weeks been insightful I guess

-Hazey

i've been gone for sometime now, I know, i know I'll be back I got some things cookin I'll fill you in soon enough...

have a listen for a lil bit...

Aight I'll give you a peek of whats to come...
Life has taken a turn down a road I was not prepared for but I'm happy with it...

And my good writing is comin real soon I think you'll like it...
until then

bezzy, one

-Hazey

father/discouragement/ VENTING

Fuck it man, forgive me again...

I feel like I have this father of mine

like his weakness and I are intertwined

I have some ability and will

I dont wanna be alone forever

I want peace of mine to know I can pay my own bills

I don't want to need anybody ever

but everyday is the same story

going to mom and killing my glory

my strength withers without fail

she says I want too much in my pale

I have no greed but to take care of self

I pray for guidance the ability to never need anybody else

call me prideful, call me ignorant

it matters not to me, as long as I pay my rent

feed myself and cover me

i want what I want don't you see

I never want to be him, who gave up

I never want anyone to call me a fuck up

a deadbeat, weak, or incapable

it hurts my soul to know Im still en-able

to sustain myself and my dreams alone

why is it so hard for you to see, I WANT MY FUCKING OWN!

-Hazey

I've been working hard, really hard, riding a bike to work to fix my car and get myself back on my feet. I put in 75 hours of work in the past 2 weeks. come to find out my paycheck is still gonna be short after taxes to cover the repairs on my car...it kills me...literally...im so discouraged right now its hard for me to finish this 7 page paper due tomorrow at 12noon...

fuck it man I try so damn hard for nothing...to get kicked when I'm down...I spent another weekend alone, not one of my friends called me(by the way all of em knew)...i dont know maybe this is my sign that my goal to get the fuck outta here just got concrete poured on it...

you know im so mad all I can do is laugh...I was so excited for my first paycheck too...putting in mad over time just to help relieve the stress of my car repairs swallowing my entire check...to know it...it was pointless...to know it was useless to know I wont see a dime not one dime of it...then whats worse is to know I still can't cover all the repairs on MY FUCKING OWN!...hahahah...

anyway have a great day and week everybody...
God makes everything possible...

-Hazey

???wow...

How many people can say they dated and idiot?
quite a few right?

How many people can actually say they regret it?
probably all of them? right?

 well it appears to me that I dated a racist bigot! My grandfather wouldn't have been proud of me for allowing the likes of this person in my life. I say this because he was in the civil rights marches. A respected black man who stood by God and his beliefs. I can say it bothers me so much that I allowed you in my life.

I am far from racist but to hear a white woman, whom claimed they loved black people, say words that should never be repeated. This is more than just the word nigger. This is a whole conversation that I was there to witness...

I don't think I've ever been so ashamed and pissed the fuck off at the same time...

yeah June 5th, could you get here faster please!

I don't have anything else to say...
-Hazey

Updates

Man most of you would slap me for even mentioning this shit on my blog if you knew the true in depth back ground behind all of this. *warning this is a very long post and I would love suggestions*

My bestfriends wedding...

He's marrying a woman I CANNOT STAND! Literally the reason me and him almost stopped being friends over. She's a bit of a whore and in my very own opinion, FUGLY! Like Hillbilly, busted teeth, dumber than to birds tryna kiss with no lips, with feet that look like they've been originally belonged to nomads who walked on glass. This is all my opinion by the way... Flash forward 2 years and three affairs with three or four men they had a kid. I love the kid but I step back because he looks like her but could never in a million years be denied by my best friend. She and him are now getting married. June **** 2010. Nevermind they broke up for about a two months where my best friend was the sole parent for their son. Now, I am far from perfect. But this individual brings drama in her wake every step of the way. Now after being broken up for two or so months. My home boy had to deal with her other ex boyfriend after getting back with her the very same day! When I say she ain't worth shit! I mean it. My best friend, I'm locked between a rock and hard place on this one, he's got what Katt Williams would call "Bitch-dependency", excuse me if I offend. He is attached to a woman whom, even he knows and admits he knows, is not worth it. What tops it off is he knows he can find better! Nonetheless, I fear he's about to make a mistake that will cast his son into a word of false family and discord as a fucking 11 month old baby. Now my best friend appears happy. Which everyone is at first but what I think is going to happen and I really hope doesn't. Is he gets married to her and figures out he made the wrong decision....

I'm a supportive best friend I always have been. I fight him, verbally and physically. I console him. I've watched his back since the day we met. He has always done the same in return. I'm at my wits end on this one though. I have to be there to watch make a mistake that I can not save him from. It bothers me because I know no one is perfect. I want him to be happy and all. I realize that is the mother of his child. But I know its going to be the hardest thing in the world to watch him marry a woman whose unworthy....

My next point!

Well you know what I think i've gone thru this already briefly but heres an overview.

Involved with chick whom deep down I don't have any feelings for. I like her, she cool, but there's nothing there. No desire not even lust. I told myself I wasn't going to do certain things with her and I still did. I feel guilty about everything I do with her in that light because I feel like there's no connection. No deeper meaning. No worth to it. It hurts me to say this. If she and I had done this a year ago it would have been a different story. I know I make her feel......worthless...I have to break this off without causing her any damage you know...I don't have the energy to devote to even being just a fuck buddy. Sad I know! I don't feel right when I'm with her. I value the friendship, she listens, she helps, shes funny, attractive, girl friend material but I can't make all jigsaw puzzle pieces fit...I wanna keep her around and all...shit she's good company a little crazy tho but its tolerable...shit "truth be told I'd rather be with her than alone"...but like I said earlier I can't force her to fit if my heart, mind, soul, and body won't accept...

My next point...

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SLEEPLESSNESS!
Everyday, day in day out 7 days a week...I can work out til my body gives out...I can spar until my vision is blurry and my arms feel like lead weights...regardless of what happens that day...I won't fall asleep until 3 am...

Next Point...

I have a job!..at my previous employer :[...I left that job because I hated that job. Now I'm back, literally I'm just going to reach a short term goal and "Shake"...

Next Point...

I saw the ex who defined my insecurities as a man, as a lover, as a multiracial individual, as an artist...Christena...I havent seen nor heard from her in almost a year...We had a fight and I told her to rot under her significant others left tit in the 7th layer of hell...those exact words....lol...that and don't speak to me again because I won't reply...Yeah we aint cool still but we have to work together and possibly walk together at this bullshit wedding. Reason, christena is a childhood friend of the whore-to-be, i mean bride to be...o well...I have to plan a jack and jill bachelor/bachelorette party with her... I 'll explain my infuriating argument in a minute...So yeah now I have to speak to her for the time being...

Next Point...

The whore-to-be, has made it clear that the party must be together with no strippers, no dancers, no other women what so ever and no other men either... I argued with her for two hours about the significance of my best friends bachelor party...How it has nothing to do with her insecure ass and how it has nothing to do with the strippers, the beer, the embarrassing photos, none of that. It's literally the last time a man has to be with just his friends before his life changes. It is a celebration of mans bachelor years and celebration of the marriage to follow. But no this dumb whore has him by the balls that have no use and I can only get drunk now...o well...

Next point...

I'm feeling better everyday despite this bullshit listed above. Shit if it wasn't for everyone elses issues I wouldn't be able to look at my life and thank God it aint like theirs!

So yeah check out the previous poetry, got some good feedback on it, leave love!
!bezzy! (pronouced b-z)

-Hazey

DIABLO!

before I get started I wanna say, if you are reading this, and you know who you are, this post reflects nothing upon you. Its me venting...stay the way you are...

these are my words...my fears...my hopes...my side of it all...understand me if you decide to read this...

1

aight I gotta get this outta my head before it explodes from the thoughts of things I know I do not need in my life. You and I fucked, period. It shouldn't have happened. I DO NOT REGRET...I told myself it wasn't going to happen and just like that I was in you. It was wrong, don't get me wrong it was good. SHITTT its been MONTHS since I've smashed so naturally I wasn't my usual self about the situation.

2

I wasn't using protection. I used the retarded rhythm method with a woman I know I have no business fucking. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if this ended in a shotgun. I seriously hate that I let my faults get the best of me again.

3

I...you...we aren't ready for a kid. SHIT, we aren't even together. These words hurt me to say because I know these were the words that my father said about me. He was unprepared, to be real he didn't even want kids, just like me...

4

I know that making us be together if said circumstances were to arise wouldn't help. It don't work without a kid. It wouldn't work if we had one.

5

I don't believe in abortion...

_________**______________
this isn't even about me or her anymore. In my head its about the kid...I'm not a dead beat...I'll take care of mine even if she wont. It just sucks that I've put myself in this position when I told myself I wouldn't. It hurts that when it comes down to it my lack of discipline and self control didn't even exist in that 45 minutes. I'm upset with myself now...on the same day I get my chance to stand back on my feet with a job. The same day I get the blessing I needed I fuck it up with something that is human to do. I'm human, I have needs. Its been months, I don't know if that was God's gift to me or the Devils bait. I'm working so hard on myself to get my shit straight. I try my hardest to do the right thing and be an example to my brother and pride worthy son to my mother and what do I do? How do I repay her for all that she's done for me? this is how?..makes me literally wanna cry...but tears have no value...and neither does anger...all I can do now is hope I pulled out in time...

Funny how irresponsibility can leave one's future within the confines of a few seconds...

"Making a mistake I fail to learn from"


Dear God,


I know that there are reasons for your actions even if you never show them to me. I know you won't lead me anywhere you can't protect me. With that said, all I can do is leave it in your hands as you walk with me...


amen


my friends say we're fine, nothing to worry about...but I don't know if that is your plan...

-Hazey

self control

One day the world will actually know what I'm talking about

Dont get me wrong it did take two
the thing was it happened so fast
and all I could think about was yo ass
no I havent learned from the past
but at the end of the day it really wasnt you
self control is what I need,
I told myself I wouldn't is what I did, indeed
I'm a man I have needs but thats no excuse
your a woman with like desires too
we did a bad thing and I played my part
the consequences are far greater and I knew that before the start
better yet when I saw the spark...
got damnit this is what happens when my self control falls apart

-Hazey

Mentally stuck

Lately my minds been, well kinda clogged. It doesn't want to move. There are things I wanna say but can't say them. Things I wanna feel but can't feel them. Things I'm dieing to do but can't do them.

Like I want a particular person, but I know I can't have them. Another person wants me but I know they can't have me. I want to have what I once had again, but I know I'm not anywhere near ready to feel any of that again. I wanna get my life back to where it was 6 months ago but I know I gotta be patient for all of this...

Problematic...got damnit...
this panic is a habit...
confused as a dude on shrooms...
mind spinning round the room...
the temper is rising...
and i'm still flying...
one day I'll come back to the ground...
but I'm soaring, please don't shoot me down...

-Hazey

Everyone has problems

I have to make room for this thought Ill post it a lil later. I must say my brother is my biggest worry. I see black men everyday go to jail, looking up to drug dealers, and seeing sports, drug dealing, and rapping as the only ways to become successful...and many women still idealize that...I just dont wanna lose him in everyway you know....

to be continued

Dream Killer

Dream killer

Chest rises and falls
As the wind blows
The birds call
My mind slows
As the tree blows
See my dreams leave
While the blood flows
All down the street
It's kinda crazy man
How I pulled the trigga
Leaving the chamber and,
Enterin my nigga
Kinda strange he looked like me
Just before he fell
Damn man he fell right to his knees
His life went from heaven to hell
I swear I couldn't tell
That, that was my dream
It looked so familiar, to me
But when I pulled it didn't seem
Or at least appear to be
That it was at one point apart of me...

-Hazey

My problem and my apology

I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
HIM
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."

Am I Worthy?

Never in my life have I ever had this issue or question ever cross my mind, I have no idea how to handle it. Its like seriously all wrapped up into one single question. Am I worthy of such a woman? Am I worthy enough to even know this woman? Do I have enough self worth as to be able to call myself her boyfriend? If you ask her family, I wouldn't know what to tell you. I'm hoping. I am. But it seems so hard to ignore now. Its hard for me to say this but maybe I'm not worthy of her hand. Maybe I'm just not the right person to make her happy for the rest of her life even for the next few years. I love her so much. I want doors to open up for us. I'm willing to wait and see what happens in March but somehow I have a feeling it won't be a great thing for me. I have this odd feeling it will be great for her in the long run. But it will leave me speechless and heartbroken. I don't know what to say about this but. I want to be with her. I WANT JESSICA Antonia Aybar Hernandez, and no one else. But God always has another plan for me and it always involves me being....single....solo...alone...and in turn...VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY MUY............
unhappy....


the even more fucked part about it is...when i'm single and miserable all i want is what I have now...i FINALLY HAVE someone that i truly feel is into me as much i as them...I feel like she loves me just as much if not more than I do her...and for some reason it never fails...theres always somethings topping me from being happy...you know i could say fuck it and go an attempt to be happy by myself but I don't want to, I want to be with her...I feel like Ive gotten into something that EVEN IF I EVER DID want to WALK AWAY FROM...my heart wouldn't let me...I'd keep running right back to her....I know in life nothing is perfect and nothing goes exactly as planned...but the fucked thing about it is...HER AND I NEVER PLANNED THIS SHIT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!! I'm sorry I fell in love with the most BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT HAS EVER GRACED ME WITH HER PRESENCE IN MY LIFE!....I apologize Lord I do...but even if I cant marry her...even if I cant make her a misses...Even if I cant make her the mother of my children...or travel the world with her...even if I cant fulfill her dreams....I know for a fact I will always wish I could have...I will always wish I could have married her...I will always wish I woke up next to her...I will always look back at my relationship with her and compare it to ever single one i had and have there after....whats the point of me ever moving on if all i'll ever do is look back and wish I was still with her?

Dear Lord,
Am I worthy?
Amen,
Hassan Omar Jr