The Evil thoughts and The Sermon

Evil Thoughts

Was it a mistake to say a thing to you?

I try to have faith but it slips and fades

throughout the day I show a different shade

I love you and you know it too

say it back but are your words true?

Do you understand what I feel

Do you understand what is real

Things that seem the same sometimes change

I know I said I don't expect anything

But would a text from you really mean anything?

a phone call or letter

talking about sex or even the weather

which is better?

a best friend who is unpredictable

or a lover whom isn't really believeable

damn...

-Hazey

Love is

The theme for this year is Love, Irony.

The sermon was on Love. The reverend told us to write down these 4 categories and grade ourselves OBJECTIVELY from 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. The categories were Pride, Envy, Rude Behavior, and Evil Thoughts.

The Reverend explained these categories one by one sorry I dont remember every word I just got down what I could catch that really stuck out to me.

"Nothing in the bible is as important and vital as love because God is Love."

First Corinthians 13:1-7

Pride- Love isn't prideful- anger or taking responsibility for your success- 5   

Envy- Love does not envy- comparing what you have to what others have- 5      

Rude behavior- love does not behave rudely- 6 

Evil thinking- Love does not think evil- suspicious thinking, dwelling on the thoughts of others- the ill natured thoughts of dwelling on the thoughts of others- 1  

God you just calmed my spirit with this sermon. Thank you Lord for answering my questions.  

What stuck to me the most was Evil thoughts because it was what I was dealing with all week. Recently I told my best friend somethings that I regret because I make them more complicated than they are. I have to tendency to dwell on other peoples thoughts and words and actions. Questioning the purity of there motives and actions. I have this unquenchable desire to find the truth when its just too good or too bad to be true. I don't take things as they are. My evil thoughts were strong enough to take me to a point where I questioned whether or not my best friend just felt sorry for me all these years or if she actually loved me, if so how much? Evil thoughts was where I scored the lowest it woke me up to be honest, and answered all my questions without a problem. In many ways I feel better about the situation I have before me and in other ways I feel as though I am in still in the dark. I guess I need more answers, Im not sure what else can be

do I deserve??

If I walk away, and pursue this dream, this lifestyle, this way doing things...

If I do what you wanted me to do and do what you can't...

If I walk away from this with my head high...

If I walk my life alone but with my brothers instead of you for now...

If I try my hardest to let you go and move on in ways I never thought...

If I travel the world and see all the things you didnt get to see...

promise me that you'll come back...

I hope that 6 years of work amounts to attaining your heart

I'm still asking myself do I deserve you?

am I worthy?

my answer is always...

no...

-Hazey

I know you still miss me...

OUCH...6-26-10

Sorry for bringing this up...


honestly I feel like im crazy...is it crazy to just miss a person???


OUCH...6-26-10

From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time

I do not feel betrayed

I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)

Missing everything about you...

asking myself would I ever hear from you again...

asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...

asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...

I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?

at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...

so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...

*sigh*...damn...

-Hazey

Your Charm

Your charm

Believe me it's not that I don't want to
It's not even so much that I don't want you
It's the fact that I know it's not you
I know better than to believe that this is true
Your heart seems sincere
And believe that in you is what i revere 
But I know my heart can never be yours
These words are gonna hurt or even worse
This isn't something i can do easily 
So sweety please believe me
But this has to end where it begins
It's sad that it's just begun and comes to an end
Just friends is something I can remain true
But I just can't allow myself to ever love the real you

Your kisses are luring
Your love is reassuring
It's not your ways
It's not your waist
It's not your face
But everytime I kiss you
Everytime I miss you
All the times i hold you
I shape and mold you
To one day believe we could be
In my heart I have nothing but sympathy


Sympathy is that feeling you get when,
You know you understand more than them,
Or worse you know the position they are in...

-Hazey 

I Miss That Feeling

I miss that feeling

The curves that corvettes never bested
A touch that made a man stronger
A smile that was all but lovingly familiar
A modest woman, but never appeared flat chested
A love that lingered and stung longer
Longer than any touch, nothing felt realer

Don't get me wrong it's finished
But I am a man who knows what he wants
And will take nothing lesser or diminished
A powerful love, incomparable to any other
I know how it feels, so i know it's real

It may sound silly, but I know what I want to feel
Life is short, beautiful, and dangerous
Why shouldn't the one I turn over to be just as furious?

-Hazey

Break Even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no


Mom one day I'll take all those tears you let fall bottle em and sell them back the asshole who made them fall in the first place...

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"

The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...

my speechlessness

Silence, the calm over takes everything...
My heart beat is gone yet still pumping...
my hands run glacier cold...
bone shivering chill over my soul...
I have lost nothing lately...
except my will to speak to anyone...
behind these eyes I lay patiently...
for literally just one...
one simple phrase to be...
three words, syllables each...
I sit in silence to the confines of my mind...
surrendering all ability to have clarity of whats mine...
my eyes may show the raging war within my spine...
the cannons in the medulla as the soldiers stand...
the artillery sounds off in the pituitary gland...
the napalm shells hit the ground surrounding what was...
it hit that portion left of what I used to believe what was us...

-Hazey

Dear Mom

The song playing on my page at the moment are the words from my mother. I gotta say she feels so much right now. Her heart is strong but I will say it does bleed. She doesn't want to do this alone but she has no choice.

Mom, this one I wrote just for you,
I understand you better than you may think I do.

Yes you have to be strong,
but who said strength means you are heartless?
Yes you have to stand on your own two feet,
but that doesn't mean you are tearless
Strength doesn't mean you don't cry
Strength doesn't mean you don't hurt
Strength doesn't mean you are fearless
Those who shed tears from their eyes
they are not weak, but merely tired from the work
Those who are strong bleed too, they aren't weak
No your tears are not anything less nor anything more
than words from your heart that your mouth dare not speak

love
-your son Jr

>>>[ Blame It On Me- Chrisette Michele]<<<

Hope...

Hope...
 
There is something symbolic about hope..
It's like a sprinter...
No matter hard the road ahead gets...
She must, must keep running...
She must continue to endure no matter the visibility...
For without her we are all but lost...

I believe hope is a woman because she gives birth to inspiration...

-Hazey

I know You're Out There

I know you're out there
on a back porch somewhere
Staring at the moon in the summer nights air.
Hair blowing to the wind
Praying and begging God to find the strength within
If not that then help from a being in skin
Storm clouds rolling in, thunder and lightening.
You too find an attraction to power
The one nature uses in flowers
birds and bees and black rosaries.
You wish it would one day take you
Whisk you up above to a place of peace
To where your power is not an equal but unique
And the rules of love and pain can never be reversed.
Yes you can recall this to the last verse
Nobody knows the pain nor the hurt
Forever and Always, never came first


-Hazey





_________________________*________________________
Here is a response by Daurie :)
And so you found me
Staring through a midst of trees
up at a pale moon shining down on me
It's light is almost painfully blinding yet it's equally beautiful in that the light is binding with the dark
and such is life
You're right
I prayed and asked God to find the strength within
and He sent me you "a being in skin"
and when the storm clouds roll in, I know who to call
Him who stood by me through it all
So I thank you for not only looking
and seeing through the pain that's yours
but for opening the doors that have been locked for years
and drying the the never ending tears
looking past and seeing me
setting the sparrow free



_______________________________________*___________________________

My response

Free Sparrow

I know you're out there free
Beautiful song bird singing to me
Night air is crisp but refreshing
Flap your wings in excite, just to express it
or to express this
The feelings that you had while being locked away
I came to your heart, brought the key, you ran astray
I feel alone and still trying to find you
Your song gives me direction, I walk as if I were blind to,
The fact that you seem to be so far away
I take twelve more steps and she flaps further away
Trying to grab a hold of you is so damn hard
Who knew falling in love could leave such scars

-Hazey

The path that runs west of the moon and east of the sun

The path that runs west of the moon and east of the sun

If you are taking the path in between I guess I'll head towards the moon/
At least there I can see the stars and make it monsoon/
The galactic universe at my finger tips/
Rearrange the stars into the shape of her lips/
Pull the black holes into the shape of her eyes/
Grabbing supernovas and twist them into her smile/
Reshape the storms into the flesh of her face/
Find a way to bring back her smell and her kiss her slow/
Grab her by the waist and hang on to her thighs/
Let the flavor of her soul linger for a while/
And settle down on a distant moon some place/
Stare at my creation and feel her glow/
Feel the love she once had for me/
Feel complete once again as she drifts into sleep/
Gaze at her on my shoulder as we cruise the stars/
The nights still young and my heart's still full, dear God this feeling is the only one that makes feel free to once again drift to sleep/

-Hazey

Dear Mom

Dear Gloria Renee Gibson Omar,

There is no doubt that you are the most influential person in my life. No questioning that. Your words to me over the past few days were stern and bit on the motherly side but needed I suppose. I have to admit something to you. I have some issues I need to have worked out. You are right I don't tell you much. I have to say that mom I am a man. That is something you of all people must understand. Men have egos even broken men have a since of pride. So I find it difficult when you ask of me to explain things that put my pride on the line when I am trying so very hard to save what is left of it. I find that I save my words for they are all I have left. Yes your son has hit rock bottom and you watched me sink. There is no doubt you saved me from drowning within myself. I'm not sure if you can talk your way into this fight. I'm sinking again. This time on a different playing field. I don't know if you noticed but my pride took a serious beating the last time you saw me sink. The one thing that was left of repaired was my self esteem. I can't fault you or blame for that you can only do so much for you are only human. I love you so much for being there and hanging in there when things are rough when it comes to me. There is a debt there that I could never ever pay and trying to would be insulting. I want to make you proud. Though you and I know it has to be on my terms. I will make you proud. One day, you are a proud, strong, mighty woman and I love you for it. You played both roles for a long time and I can never tell you how much I am thankful that you did and do. Times are hard on you and things are tough. I want to help you in whatever ways I can. So I do as little within your four walls as possible and clean up behind the other two when I am paying attention. I'm not the perfect son, boy I know I'm not. I know you ask me to do things several times before any of it gets done. What can I say other than sorry, and I love you and I'll try harder to listen the first time. :) Mom I love you so very very much and am thankful for everything you have ever done for me. And no amount of words, presents, money, cards, jewelry, or a combination of such could ever show that gratitude that is there. I talk about you with such a high regard and respect in public, best believe I do represent you well mom. I really do.

Love always and Forever,

Hassan Omar Jr.









p.s. I don't remember what it was that you asked me to grab before I left earlier in the day but I remember you telling me. Its a start right? :/

I wish I was...

>>>[Got to Get My Heart Back- Keyshia Cole]<<<
{WIP}
Believe it or not this picture was taken of me by you almost a year ago. I have to say I wish I was still this man. I wish I could still be him, I wish I could still be this man because you loved him so much. You had a passion and desire to be with him. He felt that you loved him. He felt secure in his relationship with you. He wasn't worried with trivial things. He wasn't disheartened when he heard your ex's name. His face didn't frown up when you left his side. You would call him every morning and every night. You would make sure he was your first and you last every night. You were scared but you trusted him with your heart. He was the first person you thought of when you woke up. You were the first thing he thought of when he woke up. You and him got along so easily back then. You two just worked. There was no effort. You were willing to work out all differences you may have had between each other. He had a love affair with you heart that I am so jealous of. He could reach you, not in a physical sense but on an emotional level. You two were inseparable. He was your turtle. He made you believe in love. He was far from a closed chapter in your life. Your heart wasn't so torn between two men as it is now. He had a hold on you that never made you fight yourself about being with someone else. I wish I was him again. I wish I could meet you tomorrow. I wish I could, I'd love you so much better, I'd do so many things differently. I wouldn't be where I am now. It hurts so much to know I am not him anymore. It...I...I wanna be him, I wanna be me again...I want to be him for you again...I wanna put you back together and you put me back together just like we did the first time.

Now I feel like I can't even so much as get you to understand me or how I'm feeling anymore. I feel like I can't reach you, I feel so out of touch with you and your heart...Let me know if you feel the same way...


{to be continued}

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my lovin'to you.

God those lyrics ring in my head as if they were trying to tell me something. Oh yeah I know,
Tomorrow, Jessica, I will in fact miss the hell out of you. I always do.....

deadly plea

Call this message a death note
begging god to kill me, suddenly close my throat
my heart is fuckin' weary so very hard to cope
there's no one left here to hear me, please send this last note
Tears run outta my eyes and nothing to catch em with
No time for jokes or wit
I swear god come get me I can't take it here no more
I know the heavenly gates aren't open but please make room for one more
And if not in your hands then send me to the other man
I feel it suits me much better, black clothes and wasted lands
fire brewing as far as I can see
burning for the rest of eternity, so much better than trying to sleep
I been asking you to kill me for quite a long while
Rain, sleet or snow Father please come get your broken child
Black heart and no play is keeping me at bay
If not kill me at least send me some way
to look in someone eyes and see some kinda of hope
give me a baby girl, through her I'll learn to cope
Worth more to the world than pure gold,
Her value unlimited I swear I'll never spend it
If I can't have that, then I don't wanna be alone crying in Lenox...lenox...lenox

[I'm not suicidal...]

tale of the fisherman

Ladies and Gentlemen I now present to you the extent of H.a.S.'s free and unlimited mind
please feel free to laugh, cry, question, doubt, argue any thing you want with me after reading the entire entry.
I now present:

The Fisherman's Tale

It's 6:29 am on Sunday, September 29th 2013 and I am pulling my small but roomy boat into the lake. Its time to catch myself some dinner. I have been craving myself some fish for about a good week now. Understand that I am an older gentleman, 53, to be exact. I have been fishing in this same lake since I was sixteen. I see life to be so much like fishing sometimes its not funny. Life is calm and peaceful if you make it that way. You can make it fierce and violent if you so choose. Although for the most part life is but a fishing trip. When the trip is over either you have something to show for the fruits of your labor or, well, you don't. I will say that there is one part of life that is so much like fishing that its not funny. You may or may not agree with me but through all my years I have come to a conclusion about the most important aspect to our existence. Love is what I'm talking about. It's a confusing little number in everyone's life that no one really knows how to navigate. It seems like an impossible river for some to even fathom to cross and to others its not so bad, tough, but nothing too extreme. Now I say love is like one aspect of fishing for many reasons.
{line of my fishing rod snags and begins to reel away}
And this my friend is the reason I compare Love to fishing. At that split second in time was literally what really defines Love to me. When your fishing line begins to reel out. I bet you are asking yourself what in the world is this old man getting at and why will he not get to the point?! Well here it goes. I as the fisherman have only two options when that line snags much like in love. When that line tugs, I can either "A" let the line reel until the fish snaps the line or "B" fight to reel that fish in. When I decide to make a choice I have two more options and two consequences to deal with. Those two options are as follows. If you let the fish go then you don't lose anything but line and a hook. If you decide to fight this feisty Lil' fish, you then have to realize that you can lose this fish by fighting too much and not fighting enough.

But there is one thing I would like you to keep in mind while all this is happening. That fish for whatever reason became attracted to your lure and hook, once hooked you begin to hurt them.

Now, naturally you're hungry so you are going to fight back! So you are fighting this hurt Lil fishy and they are fighting for their lives and after a while that fish either has enough strength to swim away or get reeled in. Now lets assume you reel your Lil fishy in, okay? You have two options. Eat the fish or let the fish go. Now why on earth would you let the fish go right? That's for you to determine. Now let me get down to the nitty-gritty of what all this means. Your fishing line is your attractiveness to lure the opposite sex. The hook is love. Now if you are following this you should have already caught on so don't spoil it for me I like telling my explanation. Now once this fish/person is hooked it hurts like hell. You have them in ways they never saw imaginable regardless of their own independent emotions love HURTS! It's not a painless game. Your fishy then has to decide on whether or not it wants to allow the hook to reel them in what ever direction or fight to get away. Much like many people out there these days, the minute they get close they run for the freaking hills. Now if the fish fights the fish could snap the line which is what attracted them to you in the first place and get away or they could be reeled in. Being reeled in is literally a chances game. I, as a fisherman, may wanna toss them back and find another. The fish literally has no choice once its given in. The poor Lil thing is tired and in a lot of pain. Now lets go back to our earlier comparison. If you as a person become attracted to a person then get hooked with love the reason you hurt is because you are vulnerable. The fish feels the same way. The fish's fight or its life is you fighting not to be so vulnerable. Your fishing line is what attracted them to you in the first place, so if it snaps then obviously the person no longer finds you attractive. But my true question is in the split second when the line tugs and the fish realizes it's hooked when and where does the fisherman's state of mind and the fish's state of mind become tied and the efforts of one is the same goal as the others? Where in that split second do we has lovers decide to fight to love a person and decide to just let them go? Where in that extremely tiny lapse of time do we as the hooked fish to give in? The fish has options too you know. Now with all that said if the fish doesn't snap the line and the fisherman decides to reel in the fish the two are then working in unison for a common goal to reach a certain destination. When the two arrive at their destination is when all the pain and damage done to one another is realized. Sadly someone must get hurt. How so? Well either the fisherman eats or starves, or the fish lives or dies. No where in the equation does the fisherman keep the fish for a pet(except when you are working at an aquarium). Love is like fishing my friend, it hurts, its tough, its a desicion that could change your life for ever, literally! But mostly it has to happen, unless you are a hunter but I don't believe in hunting with a gun...bows and arrows are my fortay. Yes I'm half Native American.
Anyway its now 12:00 pm and its getting hot, time to change the bait. I love that saying there's plenty of fish in the sea problem is you don't hook every fish in the sea ;)

terrible mistake

Please note this is not an apology*
I know you don't want one*

What do you do when you made too many mistakes?
Turn around and start from a different place
put on a new facade, yeah a different face
I gotta say things got outta hand it was the way things went
I was mad in love and everything was new and different
I can safely say the same things went through you
I can see it in your eyes, baby I miss you too
I made so many mistakes and I can't take em back
I can't promise to not make em again, that's a fact
But let it be known nothing you ever say will change that
I will always feel like we were made for each other, remember that
We met on a sunny day, yeah in math class
you came in clumsy and mad late, couldn't help but laugh
but for some odd reason I couldn't keep my eyes off of you
I saw real love was what I could offer you, and true
things took off real fast but slow enough that we could grasp it
That way we took a hold of things and knew it could last, shit
and now that I'm looking back it was a beautiful thing
the places we went to and the simple things
you were always my good girl and never left my side
and I can't believe after this pain I let you cry
I dried your eyes when we had our first fight
sadly over the same shit but on a different night
we had the same damn argument over and over
and yet it never got through, that you wanted me and us and all that we do
I guess I still gotta grow up it still hasn't changed much
I'm trying to be the man you need and dream of and such
but instead I play on your heart and cause you to shut down
just when things were going good, I made a bad and you frowned
and Ma all I ever wanted to do was make you happy and make you smile
and all I've ever brought was, pain, confusion and a bad smile
I'd drive a thousand miles just to get you take me back
but I fuck up so much on the same shit, why would you ever do that?
I think I've said my piece on whats happened and whats going on
this a song for you boo boo, sweetheart, lil pececita of mine

I been thinkin bout
I been thinkin bout
I been thinkin bout u lately
Thoughts take me to when we were close
Addicted 2 your love, feel i need another dose
I know it's a feeling
That should be long gone
Things seem to come up
when I hear our song
Golden brown girl, it seem so long
Since i heard your voice
where did the king go wrong?
emotions that that they linger on
i guess cause i never knew a love so strong
so many hotgirls
i need your warm
the taste of your mouth
girl i need your warm
good food and love
i need your warm
this here was made before we were born
a dreamer, so i'ma keep dreamin on
it's kinda like the breakup of jen and vince vaughn

they say you don't know know know
what you got
til' what u got is gone
yeah i write such and such yo alot

but the feelings not as strong
we were like 2 birds
that were able to fly
i try to pick the right words to say to the sky
somedays i would try but wasn't able to cry
i never been good at sayin goodbye
i take a deep breath when the times is hard
when i reminisce over u, my god
i spent many years tryna be the heartthrob
i guess it's only right that i got my heart robbed
the scent of a room that reminds me of u
a hint of perfume it remind me of u
take a look at the moon it remind me of u
hope the stars and the gods
align me and you

We do what we do
and we do what we live
i luv this way
cause i got it as a kid
wit so much to give from it
i never hid
the love that i wrote on the mirror it got smeared
my friends say it was a change for the better
but i say, girl u changed my forever
relationships they can be as strange as the weather
rain or sun
we can sang this together

Thoughts to a song

Thoughts about you....damn they seem to be getting me in trouble
they seem to be making me hurt and happy and mad and sad and
the emotions do nothing but swirl in my head and heart and never
seem to stop. Its like things will never just work out for me sometimes
the fukktup part is that they always do for me and I don't deserve it.
She completes me damnit. She is that quake that wakes me up, she is
that fire that burns ever so constantly in my heart and soul. Her smile
makes me capable of moving, her voice drives me home. She's literally
number three and its hurts so bad to know I can't do anything for her
It kills me to know she is in this situation and as much as I want to help
I feel like I'm making things worse. I've never felt this way about anybody
I've never had a bond like this. There is something here that makes me stay
and honestly its deeper than love. My heart sings when she kisses me
my soul cries when she calls me baby my heart breaks when shes gone
I miss her all the time. I check my phone every fucking minute almost in
anticipation on her response to whatever I say to her. She makes me want to
be the best man in her life. Her love makes me stronger and tears me down
at the same time. Her tears nearly kill me even though all I do is stare at her
when she cries. This whole situation just makes me wanna cry and give up
on life and love and hope itself. I've never looked at woman like this. I have NEVER
EVER been able to look at a woman and say I wanna give you children and a house.
This relationship has taken its toll on both of us and I understand why its
never going to be a good idea to try again. I understand why we could never truly be
but my heart has never been so open before. I've never had a woman love me like
she LOVES me. I swear to God if the winds of change make things possible for me
and her to just be together and happy. I'd be forever grateful. I wouldn't ever doubt
her again. I wouldn't worry about her feelings for another man. I wouldn't ever dare
look at her things again. I'd trust her with all my heart. This whole situation just makes
me weak to my soul. I'm tired Lord, I am. I know in my soul my fate is intertwined with hers
and it will be for a little while longer but anymore time with her beyond that would be
nothing short of a God given blessing. God I would make her the happiest I ever could
I'd give her all of me, I'd get on my knees everyday and thank you for everything you have ever given me. I'd never leave her side. I'd stay by her side longer and more faithful than I ever have to anyone. I don't wanna beg. I don't want her given to me and be a nightmare. I just wish things would work out for us. Her heart is so torn and her soul is so wary I see it in her eyes. I just wanna take that pain and suffering away from her. I've never loved so deeply and yet so fearful at the same time. I fear I don't know the true her yet. I fear that she isn't the woman I fell for many months ago. And the part that nearly kills me is that I secede to the God given notion that she could quite possibly be that woman and lover and friend made for me. The unearthly feeling that somewhere back in time our paths crossed and we were the same way. That some how or another we are(and I say this with hands shaking) we are...written in the stars...we are like the characters in hancock, the lovers in westside story, the two lovers in every single cheesy movie and story that everyone knew was destined to be something powerful, that we are bound and woven together by a higher power...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU LOVE ME...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU HOLD MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS...

You Complete Me lyrics
:Keyshia Cole

Can you hear me out there?
Have you ever had someone who loved you
Never leave your side?
I know you'll be here because you love me, yes, you do

I'm givin' all my life and all my love if you
Promise me that you'll be here forever
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you everything
If you promise me you'll never leave me

What my friends say don't matter
You'll be right here from the start
And I'll get on my knees, I'll give you all of me
If you never leave my side, because

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can
Baby, you love me, yeah, oh yes, you do, yeah

And no matter what they ever say about you
I'm gonna stay by your side
Promise me no matter what they say about me
That you're gonna be here until the end of time

'Cause you held me down when nobody was around
And gave me all the love I need
So give me more, don't you ever leave
'Cause you complete me

I know, you love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

'Cause you, give me my heart back
Give me my love back, baby
I want it all because it's never enough
Give me my heart, give me my love back
I want it all because it's never enough

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

And it's okay
I know you do, I know you do
Yes, you do, I need you, too
Yeah, I love you, baby, ohh

A testament to what was

Here it goes,

This is a living testament to you and us and our love that once was.

Dear God where do I start, Sweetheart you were amazing. You were literally like a dream. You made me so very happy during that short period of time. When I said you were special, damnit baby I meant that shit. You made me the happiest man I had ever been in my life. I honestly wanted to see us go very far together in life. Damn I never thought I'd be sitting here after all this time and just reflecting on everything about us. It was so beautiful it makes me smile from deep within something I couldn't even fake. We went through a lot in that short period of time. Honestly if I could go back I would have kissed you longer, held you tighter, texted you more, called you more, smiled more, done so much more to show you how happy you made me. Shit even my mom noticed how happy you made me, when I went to lunch with her she was like "Where's Jessica? I was expecting you to bounce in here with her and a smile on your face." I'm looking the picture frame you got me for my birthday and how much it touched me when you got it for me. I'm looking at our new years photo and saying wow, Hassan you had a wonderful girl who loved you and cared for you more than any other woman you ever met. She, you, were the best I ever had, you were literally what a man wants to have as a wife and as a life partner. You make my heart weak just thinking about everything you ever did for me. Its like you were the biggest blessing to ever cross my path. I wish I had more time to love you and hold you and kiss you and everything. He said it best, you are gravity. You held me down and loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. I regret some things but those aren't things I can change.

I'm choosing to close this chapter of us.
I let you down, I realize this. I read this blog a while back and it nearly made me cry. It was about this woman and how her marraige made her and her life a black hole and lost everything about herself almost. It made me think of everything I put you through, nearly killed me inside.

here it is if you wanna take a look
( http://on2ndthought.wordpress.com/on-divorce/ )

I'm not mad or upset or even heartbroken to be honest. You still have my heart though I may never have yours again. I realized I lost myself in this relationship as well. I realized that maybe it isn't fair to say we lost ourselves but that we decided to go against what we once believed in.
I wanna say this I was fearful of someone you told me I shouldn't fear, because you don't want this person. I didn't believe that, reason is because of all that I had been through and that you were a lot like me. When it comes down to the wire I will be honest he was endangering our relationship and honestly all I really wanted was for transparency and for you to stop talking to him so much. The reverse happened actually you talked to him more and more and never answered his phone calls in front of me. In all honesty I doubted you because you left too much room for reasonable doubt. Then again I am also to blame for things too. I never would've reacted that way a year ago. Searching through a persons phone, reading their shit isn't me at all. Honestly, me freaking out like that was even me, it wasn't turtle, it was hendrx now that I think of it. I am different now I don't want to do what I once did. I will admit I am still afraid of you hurting me but I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. I am sorry for changing into a monster that made you suffer through constant questioning and invasion of privacy. That isn't who I am. I became a monster who smelled something all too familiar and I freaked out. I knwo you don't want an apology but I apologize to you sweetheart.

US:
Man we were something to admire, I will miss people stopping and staring. I will miss looking into your eyes. I will miss meeting you halfway. I will miss driving to alpharetta and giving you a big kiss and hug and saying "Bebita!!!!!". I will miss going to school with you holding my hand. I will miss us in general. I really wish I could have given you that one year anniversary, it would have been a night to remember. I gave you my all, literally I gave you my heart, my love, my affection, my time, my patience, my endurance, my understanding(as much as I could), my ears(eventhough they don't always work), my friendship, my car, and I wanted to give my name and children. But hey God has a different plan, I guess. We made so many memories together and I will never forget a single one of them. I will always want to go on another adventure with you. I am hoping one day the roads east of the sun and west of the moon will lead me back to you and you back to me. I have never been given so much love by any one other than my mom and I thank you for all of it. I thank you for being my ice(lol).

Now:
They have arrived here in Atlanta. You are happy and I'm happy for you. I will say that you have everything you need now. You can be happy and just live your life. You have your mom talking to you again, you have him again, you have Soozi, and are still in school, and you have a strong will to do what must be done. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I will always wna to be with you as your man. I made many mistakes but I guess I still need to grow. I am taking my leave. You don't need me coming in between you and your loved ones anymore. I can't do that to you anymore. Who knows maybe you and him can work this time. Who knows maybe your mom will accept him one day, she and your family will never accept me. You love him so deeply and honestly you can't tell me you don't. You have your old life back and honestly there's no room for a young troublemaker like me in it. You are moving on and forward with you life and I don't want to hold you back anymore. I will try to be happy and do my best in this world. If our paths are supposed to cross again they will. If not keep you head up! You are way to beautiful to be looking at the ground.

I am so thankful to have met, and loved such an amazing person as you and you were literally the best I ever had. I will always want to be your man. I changed for you and for myself. Maybe one day you can see I can be trusted and that things are different.
Sweetheart I know you are thinking I thought he would give me the quarter, I am. I am also giving you more. I'm giving you your life back, your heart, and your time back. I took too much. I know you probably don't have anything to say to this but, I love you and if you ever want to try again regardless of what you have done with anyone else, I'm here.