OUCH...6-26-10

Sorry for bringing this up...


honestly I feel like im crazy...is it crazy to just miss a person???


OUCH...6-26-10

From the pit of my soul and the lining of my heart

I feel like I wasted so very much of my time

I do not feel betrayed

I feel foolish but I can say I gave you what I believed to be the truest form of the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that i could muster...

Its been a year...and honestly after thinking of your ass every single fucking day(yes this sounds obsessive)

Missing everything about you...

asking myself would I ever hear from you again...

asking myself WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER THINKING OF YOU, when clearly I never cross your mind...

asking myself why is it that it looks like I havent moved on from you...

Explanations are pointless...

Hurt feelings are stupid...

being mad would be childish...

I will not lie the relationship I am over...

but you as a person...

I am not...

I believed you were a better person that what I have seen thus far...

I ask myself everyday do I deserve this silence?

at the end of it all I hoped one day we could be friends that SPOKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON...

instead you act as if I don't exist...

maybe this is the grown up thing to do and just let it go, move on from it right?

history repeats itself, why because we as damned human beings are insane and proceed to do the same things over and over expecting a different outcome...

so I will be human and make the same damn mistake again and say this to you [even though my words are pointless because you never see them...]

I miss you in ways i never thought were imaginable but thank you for giving me the necessary push to get my life going where it should be...

*sigh*...damn...

-Hazey

Break Even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no


Mom one day I'll take all those tears you let fall bottle em and sell them back the asshole who made them fall in the first place...

Idk

I'm bored, kinda bummed, and well...i say this feeling extremely vulnerable about it...lonely...

so Here are a few selections from my past that I'm not sure made it to the Blog yet...memories can be kinda painful...anyway enjoy

Words I try to remember...(2008)

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... she's loved before; she will love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you're not either. If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She's not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you CAN break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you"- anonymous

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To a former lover(2008)

When your phone rings do you hope its me?/
When you look me in the eye, who do you see/
I'm not hard to please/
As you can plainly see/ [lol]
From the pineapples to the step brothers/ [^ ^]
the various shit to yo stomach/
I keep it 100, and thats just the simple truth/
sayin what i mean and meanin what i say to you,/
is all the really matters when you smile/
laugh and giggle, only known you a while/

________________________________________________________________________________________________

To a Painful memory*(2008)

You, You are the reason,
that I dont believe in finding the love that I need and.
You are the reason,
i'm not dropping to my knees and.
You are the feeling,
that what i need is the real thing and.
And you are the reason,
that a smile left my face.
You became the reason,
that i write name on ever place.
Stop talking of her,
and put your name in her place.
You are the reason,
I find it hard to sleep at night and,
when your near i find it hard to say whats really right,

So i stay quiet and trapped within my mind.
theres no one to really talk to in there.
just like on the outside

[* I think this one has a few words I still feel today *]

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Sided(2008)

I try and try yet can seem to figure out-
if the woman of dreams is really what i’m about-
i love her and i tell everyday-
but the issue is now idk if she even feels the same way-
i’m the only saying it-
man joe aint that some shit-
got damn i’m still all torn up inside about this bitch-
got damn joe i love her and think thats it-
i care to much and theres the problem right there-
since i care to much i cant pretend to not even care-
so with that being said i will vanish into thin air-
fuck it, fuck love, and fuck life itself-
i’m always the one getting the belt-
they walk away unharmed even in the slightest-
i hate who am i now and that shit i mean to tee-
yes becuz of a girl i now hate me-
i feel like she wants another-
i feel like she found another lover-
and all i am is a ride-
fuck joe, i got that torn feeling inside-
and you can tell when you look me in the eyes-
that my pride has taken a dive-
and soul ready to die-
and my heart speaks what my eyes cant cry

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That Feeling(2008)

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/

You feel like your fucking up/
Your heart beats' still/
Your back's got chills/
Emotionally your shooken up/
Kinda paranoid wondering what the answers gon' be/
Are gon' stick by my side or are you gon' leave?/
Man I get the verdict and it can't be/
The only time I'm truly happy is in my dreams/
I fall asleep on time, ready to die, ready to leave/
My dreams are happy they are where I wanna be/
I awake late, tired, and unhappy/
Then the pain kicks in/
My mind bends/
My world spins/
And I really can't comprehend/
Why I feel this feeling in my chest/
How long must I wait to get rid of this weakness/
How long must I suffer through such heartache and distress/

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/
And for some reason you know its over but you can't get them out of your head/

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Last one I promise lol at least for tonight

My angel(2006)

you call me your angel/
well then your my passion/
you keep me from catchin' hell/
your my purpose and my mission/
your my soul,..no your my heart/
you drive everything/
your what i think about in the mornin' when i start/
so in a since if im your angel then u r what keeps me living/

Anyway thats all I have tonight...leave some love yo...

much love to ya

-Hazey

Dear Christena

Dear Christena

It's taken me almost three years to figure out what happened.  I guess I'm ready to tell you now. It was right after your grandfather passed away, me and you started talking as usual. I don't care what the fuck you have to say but Christena back then you did love me, you were just scared. Anyway it was a long day you and I hadn't spent much time together because I was grounded and couldn't stay out long. To he honest all I wanted was a little time with you. All you ever wanted to do was go your own way. It was one night where you said to me on the phone, " you felt like you were wearing the pants in the relationship." All of this was croc of bullshit, you felt that way because I wanted to be with you. You however were going through alot with the loss of your grandfather. That night on the phone I said something and I don't remember what but it hurt you. It hurt you alot. The next day you gave me a red note with the lyrics apologize on it. You had been calling Kim ever since.  

Since that day you and I were never able to be the same. I loved you christena, you loved me. My favorite memory with you has to be at your grandparents house. We'd sit in some room in think it was your grandfathers office or something like that. We'd watch tv and goof off. That's what happened. From there on out you hated me. You never knew why, I always did. From that day foreward you took ever ounce of who it was that I am and crushed it. You crushed myself esteem, my heart, my pride, and made fun of it. You destroyed me, it took me almost a year to realize the extent of the damage you caused me. 

Anyway you asked me this a year ago, here's your answer. I broke your heart.

-Hazey

Siempre, y Nunca

Tal vez me he encontrado con la chica perfecta
los problemas son totalmente diferentes de lo que yo nunca pensé que podría ser
Me refiero a primera vista que ver lo que sé
A primera vista, lo que ir tras ella también
diciendo que ella está bien maldito
ella es inteligente maldito
pero todos los demás que a su vez nigga y ejecutar si supieran lo que yo sabía
Creo firmemente en la importancia de su
que vale la pena la lucha
no se trata de mi orgullo
pero en esta chica que no sólo renunciar a
ella me enseñó mucho sobre mí misma en el poco tiempo que he conocido su
de lo que debo considerar en mi mismo a otros modos de vida
Me siento como que está a punto de ayudar a mí en la dirección de mis padres no podían
No estamos diciendo que es [Dios], o cualquier cosa, pero ella está haciendo cosas que me i cant incluso comenzar a explicar
mi corazón estaba confundido sobre las cosas que nunca había pensado en be4
Recuerdo decir a su "Yo no es que estás acostumbrado a"
Lo gracioso es que ... ella ha estado diciendo que a mí
ella me hace sonreír de manera que nadie nunca ha
i like it
alguien nos dijo hoy
"Ustedes dos están en el amor"
ella respondió antes que yo
"YEAH! Somos!"
nunca antes había que
nunca había alguien que sabía wasnt va a ninguna parte
nunca había alguien que quería que yo allí no me necesitaba allí
nunca había sido capaz de escribir sobre alguien como este antes de

Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una chica en mi thats tanto como yo a ella
de lo que veo, ella es
Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una chica que puede ser con amigos y amantes
de lo que veo, ella es
Yo siempre solía decir que quiero una niña que se reunirán a mitad de camino me
de lo que veo, lo que hace

Me asusta la forma en que ella es gran me
Me asusta lo cerca que estamos ya
Me asusta i casi dejarla pasar por mí

My problem and my apology

I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

dearly 633 70v3D

Dearly 633 70v3D,

I know how things may look and things seem so very bleak and hopeless. I see the pain and the heart ache that you suffer through. I wish I could make it go away. I wish you didn't have this problem. I know God doesn't give us a problem we can't handle. But sometimes I wish I could take the heat for you. I wish I could somehow change your mind. I see everyday that's impossible. I feel so very alone and lost. I know that you hearing this hurts but I'm only human baby. The same situation keeps coming up because you have done nothing to change that. And doing as they say solves nothing. It compromises everything about you. My love you are so very strong. So very strong. I wish I could take away the hurt and the pain but I can't. If anything follow your moms example. She still hasn't faced your dad. I believe you know where I'm going with that thought. I understand that they are your family and leaving would sacrificing a lot. But I don't want you to stay for me or for us. I want you to stay because you have so much more here you can do. You never know you could one day open up a shelter for women. I mean you have endless possibilities here in the US that you have worked so hard to attain. I admire your drive in the world so very much. When I met you I saw you had many strengths I also(over time) saw where I could give you strength and support that you don't have. I felt like I could make you whole. And in return you could also make me whole too(#,_,#). I know I don't have to make such a choice but I have been faced with it many times before and every time I fight for them. ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IN THIS WORLD IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! NOTHING IS JUST GIVEN TO YOU! and sometimes you have no other choice but to just take it. Love is one of the basic human rights set forth by the united nations I believe. You didn't make a mistake in loving me and letting yourself fall in love with me. You are not at fault. They are. They just want to control you and tell you what to do. They don't care if you fall in love or not. They don't care if you love the guy you marry. If they approve of him its because they like him and approve of him and your choice, NOT of you. I know you want their love, pride, and approval. But I think you are putting too much of yourself on the line for them. I believe if they loved you, if they cared, and approved of you and were proud of you. They would see all that you have accomplished and done for them so far and tell you. They wouldn't react they way they do. They are doomed to teach what they were taught. They didn't learn from it. They didn't question it as you do. You have taken the boldest step of them all. You opened you eyes to see their faults. Don't punish them for them. But also don't kill yourself trying to be what inevitably maybe an unattainable want. I'm in a tight spot too babe.I'm faced with a problem. I have a wonderful girl friend whom I hope to "WED" one day. She is in a FUCKED UP situation and I can't let this go. I could walk away and pretend like I don't care. I could just be done with you and never speak to you again. I could get angry and curse you out and break up with you and blame everything on you. I could do so many things. But I know my place is right here with you. I wish I could reach in your head and flip a switch that says open mental and spiritual eyes but I can't. I have to say the correct words in the correct combination to do that.
My love, my heart, my soul mate baby there is no such thing as love being wrong it can't be. No matter what they say. They love each other, whether they say you can or not, it aint true. You can love me, if loving you is wrong then I'll be wrong i don't want to be right.(no cliche intended). They fought for their right to be together. So should we. My love you and I have been building something worth fighting for. Love is not something you can abandon and expect it not to haunt you. I love you so very very much with all my soul. We can do so much. I do believe if we work together, assuming you stayed, that your family may not approve at first but one day they would see you in the news paper and realize the truth. That one day your parents may have to eat their words. I believe that you can do that. I believe that you can make them proud. I believe that you could possibly get your family back.

Love Letter to the broken

You gave it your best run,
let it go.
You gave it your all,
let it go.
You sent your words to my eyes,
you sent your message to my legs,
you sent your Phone call to my bones,
you left voice messages to my peace of mind.
You have showed me that you meant it.
You have shown me that you didn't deserve,
what happened.

When that day finally came you showed the side you promised me you would.
When the chips were down and all looked lost you didn't crack,
you held it together.
You have done your dirt, you have dont the things you said you never would.
You have no regrets.
All I want to say is

I'm proud of you,
-HaS

Demons....

I rule your nightmares and conquer your day dreams
turning ever wonderful thought
into what I so may deem
Crawling in the confines of your mind
I leave doubt and despair behind
I leave questions and no answers
Answers to riddles you never even heard
I put that little drop of possibility in your cup of new aspirations
I tug and pull at all of your motivations
and all of your dream driven destinations
do you remember me now?

I think we've met before yes I think we have
that some one who made stay up at night and laugh
through the pours of my eyes
the words my heart can't cry
you were one that tried to fore see the future
with false tales and lies
yes its you, you i do recognize
The one i catch creeping up on me
the one formerly known and as great memory

sraet

What amount of strength does it take?
What is it that I have to do?
Why is it that it seems nearly impossible?
It seems as though my heart is just ripping up
It wants one thing so badly but it seems like it will never happen
Its funny cuz through the years I never thought
I'd be asking for something so simple
Something that never ever crossed my mind as a problem
Now Its my number hope and my number one dream

Its hard loving a person and knowing you may never
have them. It even harder knowing how hard it is on them
So times a brother just needs a guaranteed Christmas wish
My God would that make my world so much more easier
I will never change my mind until she herself gives up
but until then...its incredibly hard