Showing posts with label lose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lose. Show all posts

Monday, January 11, 2010

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"
The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

to my readers

Dear readers,

At the moment I'm at a complete lose for words. My much younger cousin has passed away. He was 5. I'm at a lose for words...

Life is precious, enjoy every moment, laugh when you can, smile when you don't have to, tell the ones you love that you love them everyday, God is real....

-Hazey

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

my speechlessness

Silence, the calm over takes everything...
My heart beat is gone yet still pumping...
my hands run glacier cold...
bone shivering chill over my soul...
I have lost nothing lately...
except my will to speak to anyone...
behind these eyes I lay patiently...
for literally just one...
one simple phrase to be...
three words, syllables each...
I sit in silence to the confines of my mind...
surrendering all ability to have clarity of whats mine...
my eyes may show the raging war within my spine...
the cannons in the medulla as the soldiers stand...
the artillery sounds off in the pituitary gland...
the napalm shells hit the ground surrounding what was...
it hit that portion left of what I used to believe what was us...

-Hazey

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My problem and my apology


I am just too fuckin scared
I am too needy
I ask to much of you
I want to much from you
I give you the impression I don't trust you
I hurt you everyday
I make you sad everyday
I make you feel like you will never be good enough
I focus too much on him and not enough on you
I don't listen to you
I make you feel like I am never satisfied
I am a horrible boyfriend
and I don't deserve you
:'/
I'm not worthy of you
He deserves you
He is focused on you
He understands you better than I ever will
He is my problem that I fear like the Apocalypse
I try to look past him but I can't
I hurt you time and time again and you don't deserve anything that
I have put you through
and I would understand if you left me
I don't want you to leave
but I would understand
:'/
I'm sorry for all the damage that I've brought with me
I'm sorry I cause you so much pain
I'm sorry that my apology won't suffice to make things easier for you
I am to blame for every single time you have gotten yourself into some bull shit
you wouldn't normally get yourself into
I'm sorry for the thing with your parents, they wouldn't have done that to you if I had used restraint
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle between him and me
I'm sorry for becoming a rift between those you love and happiness
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I could take away everything that I've caused
If I knew how I would
I feel like shit
I feel like the scum at the bottom of a lake
I feel low
I want to be with you
but at what cost to you
all I do is cause problems for you
I love making you happy but it doesn't seem like I do enough to off set the bullshit I put you through
I don't know what else to say other than I love you
I really do
but I'm starting to believe I don't deserve someone like you

The thing about you is
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are multifaceted
you are everything I wish I could be
you are strong in ways I wish I could be
you are gorgeous
you are one of a fucking kind and you are a blessing to even know
you make everyday I spend with you a blessing
you are the last good thing I can find in Atlanta
If I lost you I don't know what I would do

You have never done anything to breach my trust
I pray you never will
I understand why you trust him
I do
I wish I could
I don't know what to do or say just know it frightens me to think of him and you in the same place without me
it bothers me
not cause I don't trust you
but because he could take advantage of your friendship
you say he won't
I really hope he doesn't....

Jessica Aybar, I Love You

Monday, January 26, 2009

My awakening

So today I awakened myself to the truth
the truth of the matter
the got damn inevitable truth
HIM
so yeah now I'm sitting just absorbing
this all in.
He is gonna take her back from me
I'm doing all this fighting and hanging
on and he's gonna make her fall for him
all over again...he's gonna come down here
and just be himself and she's gonna walk right
back into his arms. He won't do anything really.
I'll get really self conscience and it'll turn her off.
She'll say to me after all this time you still don't trust me
and she's gonna ask herself whats it gonna take
and is there a point cuz she wont see a way for us to be
together anyway cuz of her parents
and She'll see him.
She'll end up wanting to chill with him.
She'll finally be able to physically be with him.
She'll finally have the relationship she always wanted with him.
She'll have the opportunity to be with him and be happy.

and yet again "I'm such a great guy to have but never to keep...."

20sb

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