do I deserve??

If I walk away, and pursue this dream, this lifestyle, this way doing things...

If I do what you wanted me to do and do what you can't...

If I walk away from this with my head high...

If I walk my life alone but with my brothers instead of you for now...

If I try my hardest to let you go and move on in ways I never thought...

If I travel the world and see all the things you didnt get to see...

promise me that you'll come back...

I hope that 6 years of work amounts to attaining your heart

I'm still asking myself do I deserve you?

am I worthy?

my answer is always...

no...

-Hazey

I know you still miss me...

DIABLO!

before I get started I wanna say, if you are reading this, and you know who you are, this post reflects nothing upon you. Its me venting...stay the way you are...

these are my words...my fears...my hopes...my side of it all...understand me if you decide to read this...

1

aight I gotta get this outta my head before it explodes from the thoughts of things I know I do not need in my life. You and I fucked, period. It shouldn't have happened. I DO NOT REGRET...I told myself it wasn't going to happen and just like that I was in you. It was wrong, don't get me wrong it was good. SHITTT its been MONTHS since I've smashed so naturally I wasn't my usual self about the situation.

2

I wasn't using protection. I used the retarded rhythm method with a woman I know I have no business fucking. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if this ended in a shotgun. I seriously hate that I let my faults get the best of me again.

3

I...you...we aren't ready for a kid. SHIT, we aren't even together. These words hurt me to say because I know these were the words that my father said about me. He was unprepared, to be real he didn't even want kids, just like me...

4

I know that making us be together if said circumstances were to arise wouldn't help. It don't work without a kid. It wouldn't work if we had one.

5

I don't believe in abortion...

_________**______________
this isn't even about me or her anymore. In my head its about the kid...I'm not a dead beat...I'll take care of mine even if she wont. It just sucks that I've put myself in this position when I told myself I wouldn't. It hurts that when it comes down to it my lack of discipline and self control didn't even exist in that 45 minutes. I'm upset with myself now...on the same day I get my chance to stand back on my feet with a job. The same day I get the blessing I needed I fuck it up with something that is human to do. I'm human, I have needs. Its been months, I don't know if that was God's gift to me or the Devils bait. I'm working so hard on myself to get my shit straight. I try my hardest to do the right thing and be an example to my brother and pride worthy son to my mother and what do I do? How do I repay her for all that she's done for me? this is how?..makes me literally wanna cry...but tears have no value...and neither does anger...all I can do now is hope I pulled out in time...

Funny how irresponsibility can leave one's future within the confines of a few seconds...

"Making a mistake I fail to learn from"


Dear God,


I know that there are reasons for your actions even if you never show them to me. I know you won't lead me anywhere you can't protect me. With that said, all I can do is leave it in your hands as you walk with me...


amen


my friends say we're fine, nothing to worry about...but I don't know if that is your plan...

-Hazey

to my readers

Dear readers,

At the moment I'm at a complete lose for words. My much younger cousin has passed away. He was 5. I'm at a lose for words...

Life is precious, enjoy every moment, laugh when you can, smile when you don't have to, tell the ones you love that you love them everyday, God is real....

-Hazey

Mi corazon and my strength

Mi corazon and my strength

A dia I learned the wounds I have may never truly heal. Quite honestly because my heart is just wanting answers to the questions I will never have answered. I have no focus, I'm scared, I'm not as confident as I once was. I have truly fallen to a place I'm not sure that I can ever get back up from. I have so many thoughts that cross my mind in a day it's weird. I'm sure other people feel the same way, I'm not trying to say my problems are any bigger or more complex than anyone elses. I will admit that I do need some help. I can't do it all on my own. I want so very much to be self-reliant. As I listen to yellowcard my heart kind of feels like I'm not alone. I know of other people out there like me, lost in need of some kind of breakthrough. I can't focus on anything still. I still find myself making excuses, and honestly I know I'm better than that, I know I don't have to make excuses. I'm just scared...I'm scared of failing. I've had my dreams shattered like so many people out there. I don't hope for much, I rarely get excited anymore. To be honest I've literally forgotten how to just be happy. I don't smile often, I'm normally alone, I want so much more out of my life but I'm so very afraid. You know yesterday I heard my lil brother say to me "When I think of a strong man I've always thought of you, not dad. I never have thought he could protect us, I always thought you could." You know what ladies and gentlemen. I found my strength...

Thanks lil man :,)

-Hazey

even in the midst

I wanna be angry I wanna be hurt
but whats the point of doing all that work
if you will never notice nor take a peak
a forgotten memory, newspaper from last week
to know in such a short time I was replaced
to know that you have already drawn over my face
A solemn look of disappointment and pain
You can't be the one, the sun shines but my eyes see rain
drops falling from chest cardinal colored to the tip
grittin' my teeth, banging on the door, screaming I can't get a grip
I got a ticket to place I thought was special and for the few
maybe I got a cheap knock off and he, well he got to the real you...

-Hazey

who I used to be

I forgot who I used to be
That nigga with crips the only GD
7-4 til world blow, and All is One
fuck almighty the Creator is a better one
the 6 sides of t he 6 point star
love life loyalty knowledge wisdom understanding
the alphabet the meaning behind our star
Everything...I forgot everything

There was a point in my life that honestly many people will never understand but those who were involved. It was last night, that I remembered where I came from. I was, well I am A Gangsta Disciple. I am not a Crab. No I am not Crip. I am not apart of an 8 ball alliance. That shit don't even exist. David and Tookie and Budha grew up that same time and at no time during growing up could they afford to or even possibly met the crips on the west coast. I know the Meaning of the Golden Pitch Fork. I know Larry Hoover betrayed our king to take power. I know shorty was a LT and led the BDs against us. I know the year we were created. 1974 on the corner of **** and Brown. I swear I know too much and that part of my life is a closed chapter. I am however glad its over. I know we originally banged the color brown... But that side of me is closed and done and just recently I remembered the stupid shit I was once involved in. I'm glad I mad it out...many people can't say the same...

-Hazey

Can I?

Can I? Can we? Heal?
The truth of the matter is I'm not sure if that is real
Can time fully heal those wounds?
Can you undo what you did too soon?
Can I truly fix you like new?
I have no answers for you or me
Just a little hope that you and I can, heal
trust and believe what I say is real
and that its not something I can go through again
The sleepless nights, the hunger strikes, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain
shedding no true light all of the pain
you and I both know it well
The dark rooms, the lightening, the terrible feeling of hell
as though it swept cross us and tore us in half
yes that feeling that feeling is the one I can not have
no, not again, so please be true, be honest, be real
don't lie to me, can you really do that, can we really heal?

-Hazey


_____________________*_______________________________________

A response by Dauri

Yes love.
We've been hurt one by the other
we let the love we had for each other go
even though we both know or knew the pain it would cause
the blood it would draw
the tears that would fall
but u were there to catch every one
and I was warming your heart like the sun
I think if we rekindle what we once had
the love that often made us sad
but mostly made us glad
if you would look into my eyes
and see the passion that never died
my heart can finally sigh
a breath that's been waiting to go free
finally
we're back to you and me

Thoughts to a song

Thoughts about you....damn they seem to be getting me in trouble
they seem to be making me hurt and happy and mad and sad and
the emotions do nothing but swirl in my head and heart and never
seem to stop. Its like things will never just work out for me sometimes
the fukktup part is that they always do for me and I don't deserve it.
She completes me damnit. She is that quake that wakes me up, she is
that fire that burns ever so constantly in my heart and soul. Her smile
makes me capable of moving, her voice drives me home. She's literally
number three and its hurts so bad to know I can't do anything for her
It kills me to know she is in this situation and as much as I want to help
I feel like I'm making things worse. I've never felt this way about anybody
I've never had a bond like this. There is something here that makes me stay
and honestly its deeper than love. My heart sings when she kisses me
my soul cries when she calls me baby my heart breaks when shes gone
I miss her all the time. I check my phone every fucking minute almost in
anticipation on her response to whatever I say to her. She makes me want to
be the best man in her life. Her love makes me stronger and tears me down
at the same time. Her tears nearly kill me even though all I do is stare at her
when she cries. This whole situation just makes me wanna cry and give up
on life and love and hope itself. I've never looked at woman like this. I have NEVER
EVER been able to look at a woman and say I wanna give you children and a house.
This relationship has taken its toll on both of us and I understand why its
never going to be a good idea to try again. I understand why we could never truly be
but my heart has never been so open before. I've never had a woman love me like
she LOVES me. I swear to God if the winds of change make things possible for me
and her to just be together and happy. I'd be forever grateful. I wouldn't ever doubt
her again. I wouldn't worry about her feelings for another man. I wouldn't ever dare
look at her things again. I'd trust her with all my heart. This whole situation just makes
me weak to my soul. I'm tired Lord, I am. I know in my soul my fate is intertwined with hers
and it will be for a little while longer but anymore time with her beyond that would be
nothing short of a God given blessing. God I would make her the happiest I ever could
I'd give her all of me, I'd get on my knees everyday and thank you for everything you have ever given me. I'd never leave her side. I'd stay by her side longer and more faithful than I ever have to anyone. I don't wanna beg. I don't want her given to me and be a nightmare. I just wish things would work out for us. Her heart is so torn and her soul is so wary I see it in her eyes. I just wanna take that pain and suffering away from her. I've never loved so deeply and yet so fearful at the same time. I fear I don't know the true her yet. I fear that she isn't the woman I fell for many months ago. And the part that nearly kills me is that I secede to the God given notion that she could quite possibly be that woman and lover and friend made for me. The unearthly feeling that somewhere back in time our paths crossed and we were the same way. That some how or another we are(and I say this with hands shaking) we are...written in the stars...we are like the characters in hancock, the lovers in westside story, the two lovers in every single cheesy movie and story that everyone knew was destined to be something powerful, that we are bound and woven together by a higher power...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU LOVE ME...YOU COMPLETE ME...YOU HOLD MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS...

You Complete Me lyrics
:Keyshia Cole

Can you hear me out there?
Have you ever had someone who loved you
Never leave your side?
I know you'll be here because you love me, yes, you do

I'm givin' all my life and all my love if you
Promise me that you'll be here forever
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you everything
If you promise me you'll never leave me

What my friends say don't matter
You'll be right here from the start
And I'll get on my knees, I'll give you all of me
If you never leave my side, because

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can
Baby, you love me, yeah, oh yes, you do, yeah

And no matter what they ever say about you
I'm gonna stay by your side
Promise me no matter what they say about me
That you're gonna be here until the end of time

'Cause you held me down when nobody was around
And gave me all the love I need
So give me more, don't you ever leave
'Cause you complete me

I know, you love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

'Cause you, give me my heart back
Give me my love back, baby
I want it all because it's never enough
Give me my heart, give me my love back
I want it all because it's never enough

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

You love me, you complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And it's okay 'cause I trust that
You'll be the best man that you can

And it's okay
I know you do, I know you do
Yes, you do, I need you, too
Yeah, I love you, baby, ohh

this ones for the pages

This ones for the pages
and ages
and all the pretty faces
that seem to have forgotten what it means to be a man
and what it means for me to stand
on my on two feet
not crying not begging on the corner of the street
Broken hearted yes I maybe
but maybe one day you'll come back and heart will be missing me
and asking yourself where on this earth I could be
I'll be at the corner of peachtree...

>>[Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move, Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand, Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am, Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man, I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do, How can I move on when I'm still in love with you... Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.]<<