Let it Out Monday's

I stumbled across this letter on Fai's Blog

Dear Friend,

I had trouble addressing you as "friend," since I don't really consider you that anymore. I'm sorry for that, but I just don't think that we are. I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong, because I know that I had a part in it. I'm sorry that I didn't handle things the right way when I did finally stick up for myself. And I'm really sorry that it took me so long to do so.

I do, however, think that there a few things that you should be sorry for as well. The list goes on and on, but I'm trying desperately to forgive you for all of it, so I will keep it short. I wish that you had apologized for all of the times that you tried to rob my joy. I wish that you would apologize for all of the times that you pretended you didn't see my frustration and my hurt when you manipulated me. I wish that you would apologize for all the times that, because of your many insecurities, you tried to make me insecure as well. I am happy to let you know that even now, it hasn't worked. Despite your hardest efforts, I haven't let you affect my confidence. I wish that even after I confronted you, and laid everything bare so that we could work it out, that you had actually listened, actually apologized for your fault in the situation (I don't claim all of it), and that we would have been able to reconcile.

I am really sorry that we haven't been able to be friends lately, and that I doubt that we will ever be again, but I don't regret distancing myself from you. It has been one of the best things that I have done for myself, and after 20 years of letting you walk all over me, I vow never to let you, or anyone else do that to me again. Thanks for teaching me that, it was obviously a lesson that I really needed to learn.

Sincerely,

Me.

I needed that.

These words make a man think twice about the words he lets fly out of his mouth.
For instance today I sorta kinda told a woman off for letting some disrespectful words fly out her mouth about my BEST friend.

Now this person I have dated before, I'm starting to sound like a whore already, anyway I dates this girl before. I broke up with her because of a conflict of interest. She wanted a long term relationship and I didn't want to be in that type of relationship with her, to say. I liked her but I was just 16, I mean seriously. At that time she was about to turn 18, I also have a strange attraction to older women :/, anyhow, I broke up with her and that same day my BEST friend knocked on my door.

NOW I was living my life going through Gang affiliation and Drug related bullshit that I had no business getting involved in. I met some friends for LIFE by going through all of that. I have friends in jail,who doesn't right? I have lost friends, not from bullets but from them living a life I wasn't proud of myself living with them. I had a job during all of this shit. I've had friends being shot at. I've seen alotta coke deals. I've been in the damn room as people weighed weed, sold zannys, popped rolls, done triple Cs, robo trip, I've even purchased weed myself(as many of you know, BTW I QUIT that shit...). My BEST friend would take me to work on days my mom couldn't afford to. She would also pick me up there. I got her a job there with me. The woman that I broke up with also worked there. LITTLE DID I KNOW she had told everyone there that we dated and broke up and all this. I NEVER KNEW!

One of the managers hated me and I never knew why. Well I found out three years later. My life was hell at my previous job because I was in love with another woman in front of her. For three years she believed she was ugly and that I dumped her for my BEST friend.

When someone told me KARMA WAS A BITCH! Why didn't someone tell me it would come in such a strange way. I broke up with that girl three years ago in September. Three years later I hang out with her and she tells me how much I hurt her. The thing was I didn't mean to cause that much damage.


It is said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I learned that one the long way.

Now to what I said, even one of my boys from way back said I came off like an asshole about it.
I said to JB, " Sabrina..."

Salvy said, "You mean that white bitch?"

I snapped, " Look I'm only going to tell you once, don't talk shit about her in my face, I won't let anybody talk shit about you in front of my face and I damn sure ain't gonna let anybody talk shit about her in front of mine."

She said, "Damn its like that."

I could have said it better, but she also didn't have to get disrespectful with it either.

That note and that situation just made me think about the way I handle situations and the people close to me, especially my family and friends.

Take my words for what they are worth, do with them what you will.

-Hazey

Opening Pandora's Box

Opening Pandora's Box

A mistake I might add
Just by opening my mind
Allowing words to grace your drums
And drive your lovers mind mad
Why did I begin this time?
Why did I start this machines hum?
To see you squirm of course
Watch you shake and rattle some
While I am un-phased by your words
My mind won't stop asking why
Why, why, why did I open this?
For what reason did I really have in beginning this?
Hahahah man I finally get it
You see you were the box of misery
The dreadful case that caused me pain
Three years later after a full recovery
It is your peace of mind I came to claim
Revenge isn't my game nor dish
At least not to serve.
But sorry Pandora, in love one always gets what they deserve...

Case closed

-Hazey

Movie Reel

Movie Reel - Written November 28th, 2009 4:10 am (honestly people I have Not slept in a week)

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my mind...

Memories play like old movie reels
Burning in and out all day
Often times replaying the same shit
The same kiss
The same words
The same smile
The same feelings, just as they were
They are comforting memories, well sometimes
Often times reminding you of how very alone we are on the inside
And many times reminding us of how lonely we are on the outside
They take you to a time and place
Back to a time when no one could wipe that smile off your face
You know that ONE moment that we all have that makes us feel special
Makes us feel Important, not only to our lives but to someone else's
For some it's utterly heartbreaking to even think about
For others it's something they can never think on
Let alone admit to themselves it's really over
While some pick up the pieces
Others leave them there and try to forget about them
As the reel begins to play at odd moments in your day to day life
You can't help but remember what every last moment ever felt like
Then the fucked up thought that it's never coming back crosses your heart
You thought you were confused before just living day to day, right?
Now imagine the depth of confusion you would have if you literally couldn't stop the reel from playing
Morning, noon, and night...?
Remembering every smile and every fight
Every phrase and every phone call before you sleep
Imagine knowing things were never what they seemed
Imagine seeing a sign of how wrong you were every SINGLE day?
With all that in mind, could you ever call?
Could you ever speak to that person again?
Could you ever stop the reel from playing?

Honestly I don't know,

For now I'm just tryna watch another movie...or at least finish the one that's playing...

-Hazey

What do I say?

Today I read a message in my inbox on facebook. Now I'm not hurting, crying, sad, upset, distraught or anything of that nature. Not even so much as heart broken. Although the words do seem to bother me a little. She said to me:

I have no fuckin clue what your talkin about. I have not felt the say about you way befor he died that was just the last thing i could take. I hate to tell you this but i dont think that i every loved you. I was happy with you but i was no in love. ****** never left the picture hassan never once. There were just a months that ****** did not get to call me. I will always love ****** and i will always be with ******. Im engaged hassan, I never felt heartbreak with you hassan, i wanted to love you like you loved me then but i knew i coldnt so i became even more angery with you. I dont know what you wanted out off this but im sorry to make it clear. i never loved you.

Two things:

-they can not make a clear sentence.

-horrid spelling i mean seriously computers have spell check

On to my point, I will make it clear not once did I say I wanted this person or to be with this person, nor did I say I wanted this person back. They are trying to make it seem like I want them, I DO NOT! But seriously how do you just say that to someone?

and WHAT THE FUCK was I say back to them???

_________

On to my next thought, it kind of makes me wonder if anybody else ever felt or feels this way? Not particularly towards me but towards anybody? If so why on earth would you say the final words, "I never loved you."?


I don't know fuck it...case closed

-Hazey

Dear Christena

Dear Christena

It's taken me almost three years to figure out what happened.  I guess I'm ready to tell you now. It was right after your grandfather passed away, me and you started talking as usual. I don't care what the fuck you have to say but Christena back then you did love me, you were just scared. Anyway it was a long day you and I hadn't spent much time together because I was grounded and couldn't stay out long. To he honest all I wanted was a little time with you. All you ever wanted to do was go your own way. It was one night where you said to me on the phone, " you felt like you were wearing the pants in the relationship." All of this was croc of bullshit, you felt that way because I wanted to be with you. You however were going through alot with the loss of your grandfather. That night on the phone I said something and I don't remember what but it hurt you. It hurt you alot. The next day you gave me a red note with the lyrics apologize on it. You had been calling Kim ever since.  

Since that day you and I were never able to be the same. I loved you christena, you loved me. My favorite memory with you has to be at your grandparents house. We'd sit in some room in think it was your grandfathers office or something like that. We'd watch tv and goof off. That's what happened. From there on out you hated me. You never knew why, I always did. From that day foreward you took ever ounce of who it was that I am and crushed it. You crushed myself esteem, my heart, my pride, and made fun of it. You destroyed me, it took me almost a year to realize the extent of the damage you caused me. 

Anyway you asked me this a year ago, here's your answer. I broke your heart.

-Hazey