Idk

I'm bored, kinda bummed, and well...i say this feeling extremely vulnerable about it...lonely...

so Here are a few selections from my past that I'm not sure made it to the Blog yet...memories can be kinda painful...anyway enjoy

Words I try to remember...(2008)

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... she's loved before; she will love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you're not either. If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She's not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you CAN break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you"- anonymous

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To a former lover(2008)

When your phone rings do you hope its me?/
When you look me in the eye, who do you see/
I'm not hard to please/
As you can plainly see/ [lol]
From the pineapples to the step brothers/ [^ ^]
the various shit to yo stomach/
I keep it 100, and thats just the simple truth/
sayin what i mean and meanin what i say to you,/
is all the really matters when you smile/
laugh and giggle, only known you a while/

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To a Painful memory*(2008)

You, You are the reason,
that I dont believe in finding the love that I need and.
You are the reason,
i'm not dropping to my knees and.
You are the feeling,
that what i need is the real thing and.
And you are the reason,
that a smile left my face.
You became the reason,
that i write name on ever place.
Stop talking of her,
and put your name in her place.
You are the reason,
I find it hard to sleep at night and,
when your near i find it hard to say whats really right,

So i stay quiet and trapped within my mind.
theres no one to really talk to in there.
just like on the outside

[* I think this one has a few words I still feel today *]

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One Sided(2008)

I try and try yet can seem to figure out-
if the woman of dreams is really what i’m about-
i love her and i tell everyday-
but the issue is now idk if she even feels the same way-
i’m the only saying it-
man joe aint that some shit-
got damn i’m still all torn up inside about this bitch-
got damn joe i love her and think thats it-
i care to much and theres the problem right there-
since i care to much i cant pretend to not even care-
so with that being said i will vanish into thin air-
fuck it, fuck love, and fuck life itself-
i’m always the one getting the belt-
they walk away unharmed even in the slightest-
i hate who am i now and that shit i mean to tee-
yes becuz of a girl i now hate me-
i feel like she wants another-
i feel like she found another lover-
and all i am is a ride-
fuck joe, i got that torn feeling inside-
and you can tell when you look me in the eyes-
that my pride has taken a dive-
and soul ready to die-
and my heart speaks what my eyes cant cry

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That Feeling(2008)

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/

You feel like your fucking up/
Your heart beats' still/
Your back's got chills/
Emotionally your shooken up/
Kinda paranoid wondering what the answers gon' be/
Are gon' stick by my side or are you gon' leave?/
Man I get the verdict and it can't be/
The only time I'm truly happy is in my dreams/
I fall asleep on time, ready to die, ready to leave/
My dreams are happy they are where I wanna be/
I awake late, tired, and unhappy/
Then the pain kicks in/
My mind bends/
My world spins/
And I really can't comprehend/
Why I feel this feeling in my chest/
How long must I wait to get rid of this weakness/
How long must I suffer through such heartache and distress/

That uneasy feeling deep in ya gut/
Like you may have just fucked something up/
Your heart races/
Your hand paces/
Your mind traces/
Everything you ever said/
So you just lay there staring at their number laying in bed/
And for some reason you know its over but you can't get them out of your head/

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Last one I promise lol at least for tonight

My angel(2006)

you call me your angel/
well then your my passion/
you keep me from catchin' hell/
your my purpose and my mission/
your my soul,..no your my heart/
you drive everything/
your what i think about in the mornin' when i start/
so in a since if im your angel then u r what keeps me living/

Anyway thats all I have tonight...leave some love yo...

much love to ya

-Hazey

Clouds

I wasn't too sure about posting this but hey what the hell right?
why not post it? Idk how it compares to the other things I've written but...
ahhh who cares enjoy :}

Silence surrounds you and your friends,
your stomping ground looks as though it will never end,
silver linings trace your very shape...

The bit of hope is in your face,
the sun is just there to light up your place,
but like your counterpart your time is limited...

I know that your presence is a gift,
so I live in your moment til it quits,
hanging on to that moment and its take...

I remember you like the world is wrong with out you,
as I think of the world, my memory always has a place for you,
blinking once you are gone and one still feels that you are apart of it....

Why'd you have to go?

-Hazey

Forgiveness

Its 3:27 am on Sunday the 17th 2010,

Yesterday...this weekend...so far in this year...I've found a new puzzle to try and figure out. How do I forgive myself for my actions and how to put it behind me. For years now I've hated someone for their short comings, for their inability to be dependable, for their lack of understanding, for their uncanny ability to fuck up every last dream I've ever had. I winced and shook when people would speak of our similarities.

Today I admitted that the man before isn't perfect and that in many ways I am just like him. I will never be just like him but I seem to have made a very similar mistake. I held so much against him for being so controlling, untrustworthy, insecure, and childish. Now that I look back I see I was just like him.

Showing me I am all but clean. My hands under the correct lighting are stained...

"I know why I am where am I, through no faults of your own. I hope that one day you and I cross paths again. I hope that one day I can be that friend you once confided in. The one you believed would not write your secrets on a dagger and stab you with them. The friend who doesn't dig constantly. The one who doesn't need constant reassurance that you are there with them because you actually want to be there. The one who gives you the benefit of the doubt and expects nothing from you at all.

Life has always been hard on you. I wanted to be a person you could come to, to escape those stresses of the world. Instead I became a world of additional stresses that became hard to escape...

I know you've probably forgiven me long before this, at least I hope so. I hope that all this is far from being at the front of your mind. I hope this and all that happened is but merely a memory and a stepping stone to much better things to come. I also wanted to say I'm sorry for not realizing this when you showed me yourself. This maybe the furthest topic from your mind. You, however cross my mind every single day."
-Personal writings

Nuff said
-Hazey

Wasn't sure what to call this

"Why am I always writing?... I've been having a lot of headaches lately...I've been sick for a few weeks now...Because I'm always thinking... ...Maybe I need to take a break from a few things..."My own mind" is at the top of my list. It seems like last year was really tiring..."

- From my personal writings

I found this thought in one of personal writings on my itouch today (after a bit of editing). I guess in some ways when a person thinks that to themselves in class at 7pm on Wednesday you kinda take a hint. So I'm gonna to do that, a take a break from writing on my blogger and just focus on school for a little while...Be back in a few weeks i guess...

I think somebody's helpful hint finally sunk in now that I think of it....

I'll post a few personal thoughts in the mean time tho...

For Sean and My Grandfather

*Notice*

"Before you read this post I want to let you know that this is probably the most personal bit of information I have ever posted in my life. You don't have to read this post, I would understand if you didn't but I had to post this for my own reasons"

The song playing right now if you can hear it is Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton. Its not only for them, but for me too. If anything the man before me and the man after me have shown me to keep God in my life at all times. Enjoy the song and this post if you choose to read it and listen as well...

I don't know where to begin really. March 1, 2009 I guess is where I'll begin. It snowed like crazy here in Atlanta, Ga. I was at work all day really. I was in a good mood but my mom text me saying we gotta talk when you get home. She told me news that shook me in ways that I still feel today. I have to say I look up to that man, I don't look up to NOBODY! But that man I always did and always will. I feel like this entry is so very late in paying my respects to him.

Chansie Gibson Sr. left a Legacy that one can never forget. Born December 9th 1918 in Albany, GA. He grew up under what is called Jim Crow laws here in the south. He owned 6 pieces of land with homes and families in them. He owned his own construction company with only a 3rd grade education. I gotta say I admire him every time I think about it. What's more astonishing is the family he left behind. He had 22 children, 106 grandchildren [including me] and 107 great-grandchildren [and my younger cousin Sean] and 6 great-great-grandchildren.

He used to call me is lil billy boy...hahaha...He passed a week before I got out of school to ride down there to see him (I hadn't seen him alive in over 9months to my knowledge). It kills me to know he had been asking about me...He had a stroke behind his eyes early in 2008 and was legaly blind because of it. That didn't stop him from driving to church every sunday hahaha...He died on a Sunday in fact. I heard he was all smiles that week before and that sunday as well. He went to church he had been going to that church for over 40 years, He was a Deacon at that church which he still drove himself to hahaha, and he came home made his usual sunday dinner of Chicken, greens or green beans, a side that would change from week to week, corn bread and a slice of cake. He took a nap afterwards and he left us. I have to say thats an enviable way to go...

My younger cousin Sean Banks was 5 years old. It makes me so very mad that he's gone I can't really stand to think about it. He was born premature with only one functioning lung. He wasn't as strong as the other kids but he never slowed down. He always wanted to be free and play. He wasn't supposed to make it to 5 to be honest and its a blessing he made it to Kindergarten this year. He passed in the emergency room of a collapsed lung. I guess he got tired...

The day Sean passed was three days after the icy weather here. I remember telling Alex(a close friend of mine) right before it snowed, "I hope the snow doesn't bring anything bad with it." She asked me what I meant, I told her the last time it snowed here, I lost my Grandfather. Three days after the icy weather here with some roads still slightly icy, I lose my younger cousin. I remember him always smiling as well, he loved cars last time I saw him was at thanksgiving dinner playing with a lil red truck. He never ate much for someone who loved to run around like that.

I went to church that day(in reference to Sean) and the words that struck me the hardest through his entire sermon was, "God has the power to show you, HE IS GOD." It seems to me he showed me 1-10-2010 again that he is God. I'm not the most religious person in the world. I've never fully read the Bible. The year my Grandfather passed I hadn't been to church in over a year. I have to say, the man up stairs always knows how to bring you back to where you started.

I believe I've said enough about this to the world...

REMEMBER THIS IF NOTHING ELSE, if you read this post...

Make your last memory of a person a good one, meaning don't leave an arguement as the end, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them, because tomorrow is NEVER promised...

-Hazey

*PS- I would appreciate it if you are going to apologize, NOT to, its not that I don't appreciate your prayers and your feeling towards me, I DO. Its just I would rather not attempt to reply to them because I really don't know what to say. The post preceeding this one was a blow to the heart that I just didn't need. Thanks for reading, God Bless...