Lesson learned?

So I recognize this feeling, this burning resentment and hatred, this lustful anger and borderline endearing thought. I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am angry...

what I do not know how to do is move on and let it go without being angry?

Fear....

When I enter a room all I want is you beside me or behind me.

Can I see you with me?

yes.

Do I love you? yes but without full trust can there be a fulfilling love?

I need your help bcuz I don't wanna push you away. i built these walls these defense mechanisms to keep women out of my heart.
I am afraid of you getting too close. I see why too.

I am afraid to trust a woman. deathly afraid! I want you, I know that I feel that in my skin but I just don't know how to trust again...

I don't...

my heart is so lonely. It's become used to be unhappy and alone. I became used to being let down. I became used to being unloved and unwanted. AND now its like all of a sudden there's this woman in front of me showing me love and calling me and texting me and making plans with me. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand how afraid I am of her and us and our future.

My fear isn't me saying I don't want it. I WANT IT, US, YOU! I want to trust you but I don't know how. I want to trust you before its too late. My fear isn't so great that its making me run from her, idk (,_,)

I am afraid of being FINALLY HAPPY...

I am so afraid of it not being what I believed it to be...

I just want to trust again, so that I don't push you away like the rest...

I feel like my heart is in love with heartbreak, God knows...I know he knows...

I know you know...

-Haze

amazing

a week of your love just isnt enough...

relapse

I cant do this to myself
I cant do this to my family
I cant do this to my God
I cant do this to my friends

I'm relapsing...

1 year wasnt enough to permenantly change me.
I am becoming weak, needy, emotional
I've lost my voice again
I can't hear God here
WHY!?

I have to change
I must change
I will change

I want to be the change the world needs
I want to bring change to this world
and being insecure, emotional, pouty, and weak is unattractive...

So this morning i am going to go back to who I was before i left NEW YORK

i left a man and I never want to go back to being a boy. I saw a boy in the mirror today...i saw it...I refuse to go back...

-Haze

Don't judge me

This song has been plucking the strings in my soul for a month now.

I could never really understand why, but I do now.

it applies to US.

• i have heard you will sleep with anyone
• i have heard you aren't really in to me like that
• i have heard you have done this with alot of guys where you are just going along with whatever we say because you don't know how to say you arent interested anymore
• i have heard you are dangerously unpredictable
• i have heard you are a cheater
• i have heard that kissing and holding hands is nothing to you, you can do it with anybody

i have heard so much about you....and I see everything you are capable of...
AND NOTHING I HAVE HEARD HAS CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT YOU!

I'm not sure if I am stupid, blinded, naive, foolish, or what.

But none of that matters to me...

• Does it make my eyebrow raise? YES!
• Does it make me question what I am doing? YES!
• Does my judgement come into question with you? HELL YES!

I shouldn't even be thinking about someone like you by societies standards.

BUT I CAN NOT JUDGE YOU! I CAN NOT. I have gotten to know you and I have seen that God has put you through alot, alot more than many others. the path that he has lead you down is not entirely your fault. You made decisions praying and hoping for the best. I can not say that you did anything in your past that is talked about with malice in your heart. 

I learned something tho, about myself, I am a person who gives second chances. My job was about changing lives, and let me be clear I am not trying to change you, I am trying to be the change in your life. I want to be that new difference that changes what people say about you.

I can see it in your eyes, in your voice that I am NOT WHAT YOU are used to. You are used to being used, being the facilitator, the man in the relationship, the controller of the relationship. I want to be that change.

I am not perfect, but I might be what you need because I believe that you are someone I need to experience...

-Haze

Haze

Guess what?
Deez nutz!

Its time I just admitted it to myself, I'm just a big ass kid at heart. Aren't we all? I'd much rather be a goof than a stiff...TAHA

I mean seriously youth is a state of mind and my generation is growing up too fast. We try to be older than we are and then shun those who we deem to be too serious or worse not serious enough. 

My life is funny, not perfect, its a constant contradiction and I am finally going to embrace that. 

Everyone is rushing to be married, or have kids, or find a career. i understand my future is important but dammit when I'm having fun is when I am the happiest and that is what is important.

I mean lets face it we rush into so many things and everything in this world is now! NOW, NOW, NOW!

Always trying to control our destiny and determine our fate by units of measure be in it years or dollars and cents. Be it in wedded relationships or the size of your apartment! I am DONE! I liked what I was doing in NY. Na, I loved what I was doing in NY!

Touching lives, Changing lives, trying to make a difference in the next persons life one person at a time and that is the way it should be.

It took me a year to realize that the path to my success would never be found in a university dorm room. i have never been a cookie cutter person. i have never been a person that follows the beat of the drum. I have always been an Individual! 

This time away from NY has done wonders for my spirit, it was needed!

When I am 56 years old I still want laugh lines! I want to be the old man that people get offended by because I will say anything! I want to keep my sense of humor and better yet make it even better! :P Shit, i wanna be me! not Hassan from accounting, Not Mr. Omar the CEO of some major corporation that has numerous enemies. I want to be Haze! you know the man I am today. The man GOD intended for me to be. 

Kay!?

       Kay?!

              Kay!!

       Kay??

Kay??

-Haze

damn...

I wanna say I love your attention

affection

gives me motivation

less tension more direction

The way I feel is so much more

but truthfully I see the bad news in store

visualize the lies I see thru em

but my heart has desires and I reach to em

Lord teach em...

teach me! please these dreams of what I need is guiding my every step

and heart break after heart break dispare is all thats left in their wake

and hate to say it but is following my heart this time a mistake?

shes there for me, she cares for me, how can you say its all fake?

what I hear and what I see is an illusion once again

my teams still losing?

Damn even my son says its true

I have to listen even though I know I don't wanna cut you loose

damn once again I'm letting every else talk for you

so tomorrow this is exactly what imma do

call you up and set the record straight

tell to calm down I need to know that her affection isn't fake

my hearts not a trampoline its not easy to bounce back

but if they tell me I can do better than I guess I have to take heed of that...

-Haze

right/wrong

You are always right...

and I am always wrong...

I always give the benefit of the doubt

and always end up hearing the same ole song

Just when I thought things were going to work out

here you come with a bad mouth, strong

I hate when you are right

I hate even more when I am so very wrong...

-Haze

My Donna...NOT MINES

Everybody has an addiction mine just happens to be you. 

Have ever felt like there is a relationship that you have to go thru? Like you know you will only end up getting hurt. You know they are no good for you. You know that it wont go where you would like it to go. you know for a fact that everyone has told you not but you are drawn to them. Moth to a flame kind of ordeal. 


Got fucking damnit, I sure know how to pic em...
 
:-/ from one heart break to another when will it END??????

-Haze

My Return

I hate Georgia!

I fucking hate this fucking place. I missed it so much and to return to it after 15 months hurts. It cuts so deep that I can't sleep! 

My mother is sick, my father is blissfully ignorant, my brother is EXACTLY LIKE ME. My debt clock is running like the country's. i have stress just like the rest of the fucking country.

I MISS NEW YORK. I miss Donna, I miss Sabrina, I miss Kareem, I miss my job, I miss my room in Tim's house, I miss putting money in my mother's account to help ease her mind. I miss the look of excitement that those damn kids had in their eyes about life, about just hanging out with me and Sabrina at work. I miss the fucking GYM. I miss complaining about my job! I miss the leaves. I miss the complete strangers. I miss the vast unexplored places that I had yet to step foot on. I miss being on my own and standing on my own two feet. I miss people seeing me and getting excited to see me. I miss having money. 

In short I am lacking what was. 

My mother has fallen ill and if anybody understands that she needs me its me. My brother might be lying to me and have joined a gang with my stupid cousin. 

All I want is for shit to go back to normal. I want my mother to get to 100% asap! I want my brother to get his head out of his fucking ass and stop fighting with every kid that opens his mouth towards him. I want my father to wake up. I want my best friend to open her fucking eyes! I want Kareem to realize that self destruction hurts the people around him just as much. I want Donna all to myself again!

Its so difficult to be present and effective where I am, when my heart and mind are in 2 completely different places than my body.

I have seen some amazing things in the past year and I am sure that the next year will be far more amazing than the last but right now, I feel so far from God's presence that it scares me. I fear, I question, I doubt, my faith is shaken right now. 


Since I have been back I have made only 1 of the same mistakes out of the numerous mistakes of the past but I think this mistake is for the best. I kissed her, I showed her that I care, that i will give her some of my time. I pray that she doesn't fall in love. I refuse to give my heart away. Danielle had it and never claimed it, Donna holds it and puts it back but keeps coming back to write her name on it again. 


I hate georgia....I miss New York...


-Haze 

1 year later

I have been away for a while. Let me apologize right now.

Would it be conceited to say i have been away doing the will of God? In the past year I have built and grown so much that I can not fully describe to you what I have gone through.

I can however say,

I have learned that there is no such thing as coincidences. That thinking can be just as dangerous as doing. That doubt can cripple a man to a chair. No amount of material items or interpersonal fame will ever satisfy. The desires of the flesh are insatiable. Sometimes having no plan is just fine. Most importantly God is ALWAYS there.

In a few months I plan to move to Chicago temporarily.

I havent written poetically in a long time...
I believe the reason is because I have no reason, no emotion, no pain, no joy, no sorrow, no happiness, no love to express in any form.

In the past year I have fallen in love, I have dated , I have been baptized, I have made changes to my life and taken risks. I have impacted lives in a ways I could never foresee.

I wish I had more to say but I don't for now...

take care,

When God shows up, build an ALTAR.....
-Hazey

primal

When I look at you I have this inner drive to act
but my doubts hold me back
from showing you my true passion
and all that my lifes lacking
is you

This raw power and force
makes me as stubborn as a horse
she straddle me in my dreams
but truth lies to it seems
im craving it too

This primal urge to make love
is frowned on from above
but my dreams I can't control
and I just want to let you know
but you aren't blind

you can choose to ignore it
or shake it off as unimportant
but even this can bug you
just say whats on your heart
so I won't have to hide my lonely spark

in these last few days I've been trying to think less
but when I see you my heart falls out my chest
at first with excite to run and embrace you
but the doubt makes it stop short of the truth
this isn't lust...

this is primal...


-Hazey

I think I fell

whoops...

/-:

now if you  know me, you know I need control. My job is about control, but I can not control what my heart feels. Now I am not saying I am a control freak and need to control everything!? Cuz quite frankly I don't want nor need to control everything, tho it would be nice some times. But I do however feel as though I should have some control over myself, meaning most importantly my heart, my mind, and my body. However, I think I fucked around and fell in love...I feel so fucking stupid, so fucking blind, and so naive to have let myself fall again. She hasn't done anything to make me fall in love. She hasn't even been intimate with me, she's never kissed me, she's never mentioned having any romantic feelings for me at all. SO WHY THE FUCK AM I IN LOVE? She's been gone for a little while and has been on my mind the entire time. All I want to do is call her, text her, ask her how she is doing. She calls me and I smile, I try to hide it but I usually fail. I just had a flash back of looking her in the eyes.

I am so pissed off I fell in love (-__-) this isn't good. She loves me the best way that she can, but she isn't in love with me. She has told me she finds me attractive but doesn't have any romantic feelings for me like that. WHY AM I IN LOVE?
Patrice O'Neal put it best this is a man in love --->  /-:

aside from the immense amount of anguish I feel for this woman I also miss her dearly. She is content with where she is, she is happy with her life right now, she feels she has everything she could ever want right now, and honestly I do not even remotely feel the same way. So what am I to do...

I don't want to be in love...

but damn it I am...and shes amazing...

-Haze

Open

Honestly you've got me open
To the thoughts of you and me
And all that we could ever be
I'm open to the idea
Waking up and you're here
Of holding you when you're near
And kissing you out of fear
Releasing all of my doubts
Throwing away my cares
Starting a life with you seems fair
I'm open to the notion
I'm so open to feel your motion
In my eyes you can see all the facts
But my hearts open so don't you go holding back
-Hazey

its been about 2 months

 It been about 2 months, HAPPY NEW YEAR! MERRY CHIRSTMAS!
Christmas was awesome I was able to give so much this year and didn't expect anything in return which felt good. The new year was spent with a few friends drinking to our recent troubles..I went home for 9 days and it felt like I didn't belong in my own home. I had nightmares every night in my own house, in my own bed. When for the past 6 months Ive had 2 bad dreams sleeping in a bunk house barn.

yesterday I had my coworker read my blog considering I forgot that I had some posts on here about her..talk about embarrassing...hopefully our relationship doesn't become awkward...

we went to church a few days ago and ever since then my BIPOLAR II disorder has been staring me in the face...

the depressing thoughts I have just make matters worse and all I can think about much of terrible bastard i am..I mean how am I ever going to keep someone happy if my emotions are always up and down? how..no why?! would anyone put up with me...this moodiness...
this rolleroaster of emotions from one minute to the next is terrible...but i refuse to take lamictal to deal with this..

you know what I find hilarious?
the woman who loves business, the same one i cant stop thinking about, has similarities that remind me of my father...in a good way...

i sit here alone in the administration building...
a million things are on my mind
school, work, my recent trip home, moving off the ranch, the boys here, GOD, the consequences of my actions, my lack of faith in God when it comes to my love life, my immense loneliness at times, the relief that I have brought to so many people around here at the ranch, the hearts I broken and the ties that I have severed, the people I have left in the dark and those who left me at the curb, the moments where everything made sense and where my heart fits...

just once I would like to be able to hold someone and feel at home...and know its just for me...
yes there are women out there who want to be with me...yes if i am so unhappy I should just go find my happiness but none of those women make me feel at home and honestly I don't know where to begin to look...for the past 3 going on 4 years I have been focusing on making me happy to find out I cant...

the only way I can be happy is my giving, and working towards putting a smile on someone elses face...maybe thats why I am here...

I just hate to know that some people have that one special person to turn to when they need a real moment of comfort and sometimes I feel like I don't...

that sounds so selfish because I can call people, my phone works, my best friend cares...but I need more than that...and I don't know what its called but when I find it...boy when I find it, I hope I have enough strength to let it go...
-Haze

I feel like a fool

I hear people talking but I just never listen...I keep walking towards you because I'm hoping you'll be different...my hearts heavy over you and I can't quite explain it...you make me a better man even if I never say it...you ain't even my woman but in my soul I see the truth...you're a real woman that's why I feel I must pursue you...you ain't got a heart but somehow you captured mine...dumb niggas always get caught up with the same lines...your beauty isn't matched because somehow all I see is you...in a crowd of 100 people my eyes always seem to drift to you...sometimes I think you want me...but I know better than to fall for your kindness...but the man in me can't help but walk towards you in pure blindness...these words to you are empty and probably mean nothing...but you deserve better than the man who came along before...I've said it once and I'll say it once more...I know you don't want me but I'm a man that can show you what you've been waiting for... -Haze

Pursuing you in vain

I feel like everyday I'm getting closer But you are on a slow moving train My heart's saying keep going
But my minds saying each step is in vain
I've been told more than once your wasting your time
You're just going to get hurt don't drive yourself insane
But as much as I want to listen I keep walking towards her
In hopes that something will change

-Haze

Killing me softly

<p>She is the sum of what my sights see<br>
The totality of what might be <br>
The essence of beauty regardless of what you might think <br>
The phrase you are what I want is could make my heart sink <br>
Rejection is so common so numbing its a shame <br>
The killing of what could have been your exes are to blame <br>
I'm not man of fancy phrases to draw you in <br>
Sadly I'm the man you look past calling him just a friend <br>
Telling the world you can't see us, is an answer <br>
But to my ears the repetitive tone is like a cancer <br>
Killing without reason or even a early warning sign <br>
You killed the thought of us before you even tried <br>
I'm grateful for the thought but fuck it I'll move on
It just sucks to keep hearing that same damn sad song...

-Haze</p>

Wait

They've told me to wait for her
Just wait be patient
She'll come when she's ready
Arrive when my heart doesn't feel so heavy
The barrier of my soul and keeper of my spark
Will my heart fall and drop into the dark
The blinding sight of heartbreak can make a man see
The terrible scars of loves battle can make a man weak
And the memories of what was can silence a man speech
She can make him strong like the mountians or feed off him like a leech
She can be my love bird or the hateful bat of deceit Loves a war won by few who ever cast a stone
The goal isn't be triumphant as sit upon the throne
Because the victor is a killer and victim is a martyr
The flame engulfed everything who cares who's the starter
The winners are the ones who travel the thin line
Balancing each others weight with a thin twine
With God as the center everything should be fine
A true man with true strength is very hard to find
A real woman with raw beauty not just on the outside
So here I am impatiently waiting for the bus
The bus is a metaphor for us
The issue with us is it requires you to be here
I'm a man of one number and its always the same
I'm waiting for your move, show me you are more than a name...
-Haze

1 Timothy 6:8

His words to me is learn contentment...because I have been given everything, everything and I'm still ungrateful for all he has given me. The blessings I've been given are truly Blessings and my ungratefulness: Over being so far from home, thinking i dont have any friends, saying that all I look forward to is sleep, over being single, thinking that I am ready for this and that; this thinking is what is causing this discontentment. I look around and see all these happy people in relationships or with children, they have cars, and homes, they go out and party with there friends and I ask myself where's mine?? Where's my joy and contentment that show that I am blessed? And ungrateful and envious me took for granted the blessings that God had planted in my life...

The roof over my head, the bed I sleep in at night, having 2 jobs in a terrible economy, the clothes on my back, the food and water I have everyday, the loving people around me who don't know me but love me anyway. Its time I took a good look in the mirror and saw that when God is ready, not when I think I am ready, but when God is ready will he bless me in ways unforeseen. I mean take a look at what he's already done...I never saw any of what is happening now coming...

I understand, now it's time to show what I have learned....

-Haze