its been about 2 months

 It been about 2 months, HAPPY NEW YEAR! MERRY CHIRSTMAS!
Christmas was awesome I was able to give so much this year and didn't expect anything in return which felt good. The new year was spent with a few friends drinking to our recent troubles..I went home for 9 days and it felt like I didn't belong in my own home. I had nightmares every night in my own house, in my own bed. When for the past 6 months Ive had 2 bad dreams sleeping in a bunk house barn.

yesterday I had my coworker read my blog considering I forgot that I had some posts on here about her..talk about embarrassing...hopefully our relationship doesn't become awkward...

we went to church a few days ago and ever since then my BIPOLAR II disorder has been staring me in the face...

the depressing thoughts I have just make matters worse and all I can think about much of terrible bastard i am..I mean how am I ever going to keep someone happy if my emotions are always up and down? how..no why?! would anyone put up with me...this moodiness...
this rolleroaster of emotions from one minute to the next is terrible...but i refuse to take lamictal to deal with this..

you know what I find hilarious?
the woman who loves business, the same one i cant stop thinking about, has similarities that remind me of my father...in a good way...

i sit here alone in the administration building...
a million things are on my mind
school, work, my recent trip home, moving off the ranch, the boys here, GOD, the consequences of my actions, my lack of faith in God when it comes to my love life, my immense loneliness at times, the relief that I have brought to so many people around here at the ranch, the hearts I broken and the ties that I have severed, the people I have left in the dark and those who left me at the curb, the moments where everything made sense and where my heart fits...

just once I would like to be able to hold someone and feel at home...and know its just for me...
yes there are women out there who want to be with me...yes if i am so unhappy I should just go find my happiness but none of those women make me feel at home and honestly I don't know where to begin to look...for the past 3 going on 4 years I have been focusing on making me happy to find out I cant...

the only way I can be happy is my giving, and working towards putting a smile on someone elses face...maybe thats why I am here...

I just hate to know that some people have that one special person to turn to when they need a real moment of comfort and sometimes I feel like I don't...

that sounds so selfish because I can call people, my phone works, my best friend cares...but I need more than that...and I don't know what its called but when I find it...boy when I find it, I hope I have enough strength to let it go...
-Haze