Lesson learned?

So I recognize this feeling, this burning resentment and hatred, this lustful anger and borderline endearing thought. I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am angry...

what I do not know how to do is move on and let it go without being angry?

Fear....

When I enter a room all I want is you beside me or behind me.

Can I see you with me?

yes.

Do I love you? yes but without full trust can there be a fulfilling love?

I need your help bcuz I don't wanna push you away. i built these walls these defense mechanisms to keep women out of my heart.
I am afraid of you getting too close. I see why too.

I am afraid to trust a woman. deathly afraid! I want you, I know that I feel that in my skin but I just don't know how to trust again...

I don't...

my heart is so lonely. It's become used to be unhappy and alone. I became used to being let down. I became used to being unloved and unwanted. AND now its like all of a sudden there's this woman in front of me showing me love and calling me and texting me and making plans with me. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand how afraid I am of her and us and our future.

My fear isn't me saying I don't want it. I WANT IT, US, YOU! I want to trust you but I don't know how. I want to trust you before its too late. My fear isn't so great that its making me run from her, idk (,_,)

I am afraid of being FINALLY HAPPY...

I am so afraid of it not being what I believed it to be...

I just want to trust again, so that I don't push you away like the rest...

I feel like my heart is in love with heartbreak, God knows...I know he knows...

I know you know...

-Haze

amazing

a week of your love just isnt enough...

relapse

I cant do this to myself
I cant do this to my family
I cant do this to my God
I cant do this to my friends

I'm relapsing...

1 year wasnt enough to permenantly change me.
I am becoming weak, needy, emotional
I've lost my voice again
I can't hear God here
WHY!?

I have to change
I must change
I will change

I want to be the change the world needs
I want to bring change to this world
and being insecure, emotional, pouty, and weak is unattractive...

So this morning i am going to go back to who I was before i left NEW YORK

i left a man and I never want to go back to being a boy. I saw a boy in the mirror today...i saw it...I refuse to go back...

-Haze

Don't judge me

This song has been plucking the strings in my soul for a month now.

I could never really understand why, but I do now.

it applies to US.

• i have heard you will sleep with anyone
• i have heard you aren't really in to me like that
• i have heard you have done this with alot of guys where you are just going along with whatever we say because you don't know how to say you arent interested anymore
• i have heard you are dangerously unpredictable
• i have heard you are a cheater
• i have heard that kissing and holding hands is nothing to you, you can do it with anybody

i have heard so much about you....and I see everything you are capable of...
AND NOTHING I HAVE HEARD HAS CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT YOU!

I'm not sure if I am stupid, blinded, naive, foolish, or what.

But none of that matters to me...

• Does it make my eyebrow raise? YES!
• Does it make me question what I am doing? YES!
• Does my judgement come into question with you? HELL YES!

I shouldn't even be thinking about someone like you by societies standards.

BUT I CAN NOT JUDGE YOU! I CAN NOT. I have gotten to know you and I have seen that God has put you through alot, alot more than many others. the path that he has lead you down is not entirely your fault. You made decisions praying and hoping for the best. I can not say that you did anything in your past that is talked about with malice in your heart. 

I learned something tho, about myself, I am a person who gives second chances. My job was about changing lives, and let me be clear I am not trying to change you, I am trying to be the change in your life. I want to be that new difference that changes what people say about you.

I can see it in your eyes, in your voice that I am NOT WHAT YOU are used to. You are used to being used, being the facilitator, the man in the relationship, the controller of the relationship. I want to be that change.

I am not perfect, but I might be what you need because I believe that you are someone I need to experience...

-Haze