right/wrong

You are always right...

and I am always wrong...

I always give the benefit of the doubt

and always end up hearing the same ole song

Just when I thought things were going to work out

here you come with a bad mouth, strong

I hate when you are right

I hate even more when I am so very wrong...

-Haze

My Donna...NOT MINES

Everybody has an addiction mine just happens to be you. 

Have ever felt like there is a relationship that you have to go thru? Like you know you will only end up getting hurt. You know they are no good for you. You know that it wont go where you would like it to go. you know for a fact that everyone has told you not but you are drawn to them. Moth to a flame kind of ordeal. 


Got fucking damnit, I sure know how to pic em...
 
:-/ from one heart break to another when will it END??????

-Haze

My Return

I hate Georgia!

I fucking hate this fucking place. I missed it so much and to return to it after 15 months hurts. It cuts so deep that I can't sleep! 

My mother is sick, my father is blissfully ignorant, my brother is EXACTLY LIKE ME. My debt clock is running like the country's. i have stress just like the rest of the fucking country.

I MISS NEW YORK. I miss Donna, I miss Sabrina, I miss Kareem, I miss my job, I miss my room in Tim's house, I miss putting money in my mother's account to help ease her mind. I miss the look of excitement that those damn kids had in their eyes about life, about just hanging out with me and Sabrina at work. I miss the fucking GYM. I miss complaining about my job! I miss the leaves. I miss the complete strangers. I miss the vast unexplored places that I had yet to step foot on. I miss being on my own and standing on my own two feet. I miss people seeing me and getting excited to see me. I miss having money. 

In short I am lacking what was. 

My mother has fallen ill and if anybody understands that she needs me its me. My brother might be lying to me and have joined a gang with my stupid cousin. 

All I want is for shit to go back to normal. I want my mother to get to 100% asap! I want my brother to get his head out of his fucking ass and stop fighting with every kid that opens his mouth towards him. I want my father to wake up. I want my best friend to open her fucking eyes! I want Kareem to realize that self destruction hurts the people around him just as much. I want Donna all to myself again!

Its so difficult to be present and effective where I am, when my heart and mind are in 2 completely different places than my body.

I have seen some amazing things in the past year and I am sure that the next year will be far more amazing than the last but right now, I feel so far from God's presence that it scares me. I fear, I question, I doubt, my faith is shaken right now. 


Since I have been back I have made only 1 of the same mistakes out of the numerous mistakes of the past but I think this mistake is for the best. I kissed her, I showed her that I care, that i will give her some of my time. I pray that she doesn't fall in love. I refuse to give my heart away. Danielle had it and never claimed it, Donna holds it and puts it back but keeps coming back to write her name on it again. 


I hate georgia....I miss New York...


-Haze 

1 year later

I have been away for a while. Let me apologize right now.

Would it be conceited to say i have been away doing the will of God? In the past year I have built and grown so much that I can not fully describe to you what I have gone through.

I can however say,

I have learned that there is no such thing as coincidences. That thinking can be just as dangerous as doing. That doubt can cripple a man to a chair. No amount of material items or interpersonal fame will ever satisfy. The desires of the flesh are insatiable. Sometimes having no plan is just fine. Most importantly God is ALWAYS there.

In a few months I plan to move to Chicago temporarily.

I havent written poetically in a long time...
I believe the reason is because I have no reason, no emotion, no pain, no joy, no sorrow, no happiness, no love to express in any form.

In the past year I have fallen in love, I have dated , I have been baptized, I have made changes to my life and taken risks. I have impacted lives in a ways I could never foresee.

I wish I had more to say but I don't for now...

take care,

When God shows up, build an ALTAR.....
-Hazey

primal

When I look at you I have this inner drive to act
but my doubts hold me back
from showing you my true passion
and all that my lifes lacking
is you

This raw power and force
makes me as stubborn as a horse
she straddle me in my dreams
but truth lies to it seems
im craving it too

This primal urge to make love
is frowned on from above
but my dreams I can't control
and I just want to let you know
but you aren't blind

you can choose to ignore it
or shake it off as unimportant
but even this can bug you
just say whats on your heart
so I won't have to hide my lonely spark

in these last few days I've been trying to think less
but when I see you my heart falls out my chest
at first with excite to run and embrace you
but the doubt makes it stop short of the truth
this isn't lust...

this is primal...


-Hazey