Haze

Guess what?
Deez nutz!

Its time I just admitted it to myself, I'm just a big ass kid at heart. Aren't we all? I'd much rather be a goof than a stiff...TAHA

I mean seriously youth is a state of mind and my generation is growing up too fast. We try to be older than we are and then shun those who we deem to be too serious or worse not serious enough. 

My life is funny, not perfect, its a constant contradiction and I am finally going to embrace that. 

Everyone is rushing to be married, or have kids, or find a career. i understand my future is important but dammit when I'm having fun is when I am the happiest and that is what is important.

I mean lets face it we rush into so many things and everything in this world is now! NOW, NOW, NOW!

Always trying to control our destiny and determine our fate by units of measure be in it years or dollars and cents. Be it in wedded relationships or the size of your apartment! I am DONE! I liked what I was doing in NY. Na, I loved what I was doing in NY!

Touching lives, Changing lives, trying to make a difference in the next persons life one person at a time and that is the way it should be.

It took me a year to realize that the path to my success would never be found in a university dorm room. i have never been a cookie cutter person. i have never been a person that follows the beat of the drum. I have always been an Individual! 

This time away from NY has done wonders for my spirit, it was needed!

When I am 56 years old I still want laugh lines! I want to be the old man that people get offended by because I will say anything! I want to keep my sense of humor and better yet make it even better! :P Shit, i wanna be me! not Hassan from accounting, Not Mr. Omar the CEO of some major corporation that has numerous enemies. I want to be Haze! you know the man I am today. The man GOD intended for me to be. 

Kay!?

       Kay?!

              Kay!!

       Kay??

Kay??

-Haze

damn...

I wanna say I love your attention

affection

gives me motivation

less tension more direction

The way I feel is so much more

but truthfully I see the bad news in store

visualize the lies I see thru em

but my heart has desires and I reach to em

Lord teach em...

teach me! please these dreams of what I need is guiding my every step

and heart break after heart break dispare is all thats left in their wake

and hate to say it but is following my heart this time a mistake?

shes there for me, she cares for me, how can you say its all fake?

what I hear and what I see is an illusion once again

my teams still losing?

Damn even my son says its true

I have to listen even though I know I don't wanna cut you loose

damn once again I'm letting every else talk for you

so tomorrow this is exactly what imma do

call you up and set the record straight

tell to calm down I need to know that her affection isn't fake

my hearts not a trampoline its not easy to bounce back

but if they tell me I can do better than I guess I have to take heed of that...

-Haze

right/wrong

You are always right...

and I am always wrong...

I always give the benefit of the doubt

and always end up hearing the same ole song

Just when I thought things were going to work out

here you come with a bad mouth, strong

I hate when you are right

I hate even more when I am so very wrong...

-Haze

My Donna...NOT MINES

Everybody has an addiction mine just happens to be you. 

Have ever felt like there is a relationship that you have to go thru? Like you know you will only end up getting hurt. You know they are no good for you. You know that it wont go where you would like it to go. you know for a fact that everyone has told you not but you are drawn to them. Moth to a flame kind of ordeal. 


Got fucking damnit, I sure know how to pic em...
 
:-/ from one heart break to another when will it END??????

-Haze

My Return

I hate Georgia!

I fucking hate this fucking place. I missed it so much and to return to it after 15 months hurts. It cuts so deep that I can't sleep! 

My mother is sick, my father is blissfully ignorant, my brother is EXACTLY LIKE ME. My debt clock is running like the country's. i have stress just like the rest of the fucking country.

I MISS NEW YORK. I miss Donna, I miss Sabrina, I miss Kareem, I miss my job, I miss my room in Tim's house, I miss putting money in my mother's account to help ease her mind. I miss the look of excitement that those damn kids had in their eyes about life, about just hanging out with me and Sabrina at work. I miss the fucking GYM. I miss complaining about my job! I miss the leaves. I miss the complete strangers. I miss the vast unexplored places that I had yet to step foot on. I miss being on my own and standing on my own two feet. I miss people seeing me and getting excited to see me. I miss having money. 

In short I am lacking what was. 

My mother has fallen ill and if anybody understands that she needs me its me. My brother might be lying to me and have joined a gang with my stupid cousin. 

All I want is for shit to go back to normal. I want my mother to get to 100% asap! I want my brother to get his head out of his fucking ass and stop fighting with every kid that opens his mouth towards him. I want my father to wake up. I want my best friend to open her fucking eyes! I want Kareem to realize that self destruction hurts the people around him just as much. I want Donna all to myself again!

Its so difficult to be present and effective where I am, when my heart and mind are in 2 completely different places than my body.

I have seen some amazing things in the past year and I am sure that the next year will be far more amazing than the last but right now, I feel so far from God's presence that it scares me. I fear, I question, I doubt, my faith is shaken right now. 


Since I have been back I have made only 1 of the same mistakes out of the numerous mistakes of the past but I think this mistake is for the best. I kissed her, I showed her that I care, that i will give her some of my time. I pray that she doesn't fall in love. I refuse to give my heart away. Danielle had it and never claimed it, Donna holds it and puts it back but keeps coming back to write her name on it again. 


I hate georgia....I miss New York...


-Haze